You Can't Win for Losing

Here I am. The 3rd day in a row, crying. Uncontrollably so. I can't decide if life is just too much at the moment. Or maybe, I'm mourning my internship. Because this week has sucked, in every single aspect that I can imagine. Failed friendships, failed dreams, and some guy trying to get in touch with me. For a date of all things. Seriously, I'm not in that place right now. I'm barely holding it together.

I'm at work almost 40 minutes early because I couldn't sleep. I was at the gym at 2AM. And I couldn't stand being in my house a second longer! School has been in session for a week now. I've had classes just twice. And I feel so empty inside. It's not even funny. February 1st, is my last day of work. I honestly don't know where to go from here. But I'm so miserable. I just can't imagine which way is up.

So I called my dad this morning. One of the only people that I know, that is awake at 4AM. I needed a little advice. What do I get? My dad talking about my brother needing a computer. Oh, and about the new politician throwing his hat into the governor's race. Honestly, I don't care about either right now. I'm sorry, but I just don't. I need some help. Someone to listen to me. To hear me. It's like I'm crying out for help, and no one cares to help me.

I guess, I just feel like I'm at a super dark place. I can't afford to buy a loaf of bread. Much less the almost $10,000 I need for my internship. My dad doesn't get how much I have had to lean on my music to make money. He just doesn't get how little I honestly live on. Or how miserable I am. The simple fact is, that since I found out that I needed to leave my internship, I'm becoming a hermit. Not wanting to be around people. Not wanting to talk to any. Pretty much, avoiding people whenever I can. Because it hurts too much. This is what I wanted to do with my life. Not only have I had to leave my music behind. But I'm leaving the medicine too!

Physically, I can't sleep. I don't care about eating. It's just not a priority right now. I honestly, could careless what happens next with my family. I just don't have the strength to pull everyone along any more. I'm just tired. For once in my life, I need someone to be here for me. And guess what, no one is here. No one is listening to me. Listening to my pleas for help. Giving me advice. Or just sitting here, while I talk about the jumbled mess in my head.

But that's always been my life. I'm supposed to be the strong one. The glue that holds this entire mess, that we call a family, together. I'm supposed to fix what's broken. And never ask questions. And I'm NEVER, EVER, EVER SUPPOSED TO SHOW WHEN I'M WEAK!!! I just can't do it any more. There is no reason that I should be doing without basic necessities, and working towards my goals, to just end up on the losing end.

Maybe all of this is God's way of making me tough. Preparing me for something bigger. Something that I can't see. Or can't even imagine in my future. But I'm truly at the end of my rope. Seriously considering a move, across the country. To get away from the drama. To have a fresh start. And to have a decent job.

Because I can't continue like this. I can't continue getting walked all over. I can't continue to be kicked. And I honestly can't handle any more of my dreams going up in smoke. I just hope that God gives me the strength to get through all of this. I know that he only gives us what we can handle. But sometimes, I'm not sure I can handle what is on my plate. ♥