Saturday, January 23, 2010

Can Stress Break a Family?

In short, yes it can! I'm still in shock about the series of events, that have unfolded in the last 26 hours. I'm probably just in shock. I can't believe that I feel this bad. Or that things have gotten this bad for myself. But I'm just one small part of this equation.

Somehow, complete strangers can see past the smiles. Past the strength I try to show. And they see me. The real woman inside. She's a shattered person. Somewhat representative of this woman that I once was. But so far away from that same person, it leaves me in shock. In complete shock!

The other part of my equation is my family. The same family that I am supposed to lean on and depend on. But I can't. Because I'm having to carry them along with me. I'm having to carry their burdens, their pain, and their anger. Why? Because I'm supposed to be the strong one. The one that fixes all their messes. The one that is supposed to make their wrongs into rights. But it's too much.

Do I think work is partly to blame? It sure is. Do I think all the extra family drama is to blame? Heck ya! The 1 extra person...that makes a big difference too! I don't care who you are, you also need your own space. Privacy. As a young woman, I couldn't imagine having to live with my parents again. You lack that privacy. In the same respect, how do they function with another person living with them? All this stress adds up. And it boils over.

If you are like us, we hold it inside. Each of us dealing with it differently. I hold it in, until I'm about to explode. I don't talk to anyone about the issues that bother me. I don't share at all. Until it breaks me. And I'm usually around J when that happens. He is my rock that I lean on. God Bless my friend. Because Lord knows, he has to deal with a lot! My mom, she also doesn't talk. Then one day, 1 thing goes wrong, and well...she just goes on this yelling thing. My dad, he calls me and unloads everything on me. And in any case, I'm the one trying to make it better.

Not only am I currently trying to hold my life together, but I'm holding every one's life together too. It's beyond difficult. It's more than just my stress. More than trying to put together $3 for bread and noodles. It's holding lots of lives in my hands. Trying to make everyone come out the other end. Making sure we are all OK when this blows over.

I'm too tired to deal with all of this at the moment. I'm going to start another 36 hour shift. Trying to make it until Monday. Scared out of my mind. But sure that God will be right at my side. Guiding me. And with that, I know we will all make it. Somehow, I'm still not sure how. But we will make it. ♥

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You Can't Win for Losing

Here I am. The 3rd day in a row, crying. Uncontrollably so. I can't decide if life is just too much at the moment. Or maybe, I'm mourning my internship. Because this week has sucked, in every single aspect that I can imagine. Failed friendships, failed dreams, and some guy trying to get in touch with me. For a date of all things. Seriously, I'm not in that place right now. I'm barely holding it together.

I'm at work almost 40 minutes early because I couldn't sleep. I was at the gym at 2AM. And I couldn't stand being in my house a second longer! School has been in session for a week now. I've had classes just twice. And I feel so empty inside. It's not even funny. February 1st, is my last day of work. I honestly don't know where to go from here. But I'm so miserable. I just can't imagine which way is up.

So I called my dad this morning. One of the only people that I know, that is awake at 4AM. I needed a little advice. What do I get? My dad talking about my brother needing a computer. Oh, and about the new politician throwing his hat into the governor's race. Honestly, I don't care about either right now. I'm sorry, but I just don't. I need some help. Someone to listen to me. To hear me. It's like I'm crying out for help, and no one cares to help me.

I guess, I just feel like I'm at a super dark place. I can't afford to buy a loaf of bread. Much less the almost $10,000 I need for my internship. My dad doesn't get how much I have had to lean on my music to make money. He just doesn't get how little I honestly live on. Or how miserable I am. The simple fact is, that since I found out that I needed to leave my internship, I'm becoming a hermit. Not wanting to be around people. Not wanting to talk to any. Pretty much, avoiding people whenever I can. Because it hurts too much. This is what I wanted to do with my life. Not only have I had to leave my music behind. But I'm leaving the medicine too!

Physically, I can't sleep. I don't care about eating. It's just not a priority right now. I honestly, could careless what happens next with my family. I just don't have the strength to pull everyone along any more. I'm just tired. For once in my life, I need someone to be here for me. And guess what, no one is here. No one is listening to me. Listening to my pleas for help. Giving me advice. Or just sitting here, while I talk about the jumbled mess in my head.

But that's always been my life. I'm supposed to be the strong one. The glue that holds this entire mess, that we call a family, together. I'm supposed to fix what's broken. And never ask questions. And I'm NEVER, EVER, EVER SUPPOSED TO SHOW WHEN I'M WEAK!!! I just can't do it any more. There is no reason that I should be doing without basic necessities, and working towards my goals, to just end up on the losing end.

Maybe all of this is God's way of making me tough. Preparing me for something bigger. Something that I can't see. Or can't even imagine in my future. But I'm truly at the end of my rope. Seriously considering a move, across the country. To get away from the drama. To have a fresh start. And to have a decent job.

Because I can't continue like this. I can't continue getting walked all over. I can't continue to be kicked. And I honestly can't handle any more of my dreams going up in smoke. I just hope that God gives me the strength to get through all of this. I know that he only gives us what we can handle. But sometimes, I'm not sure I can handle what is on my plate. ♥

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

It Hurts Too Much

Have you ever heard that saying,
"If you love them, then let them go. If they love you, they'll come back to you."

I've heard that a hundred different times, a hundred different ways. But if pretty much means the same thing. I loved my friend, S with all my heart. Not in a romantic way, which caused a lot of friction, between a lot of people. But I loved him nonetheless. We met when I came to college. He was the first person to introduce themselves to me. I had been in school for almost 3 weeks when we met.

I showed up to a rehearsal that I had missed for the first 2 1/2 weeks of school. Because the times and days had been changed. And no one thought to post a note or anything. It took me going to the Dean's Office, to find out where and when this class was.

And like the good little student I am, I was 30 minutes early. With my homework for another class. I sat at a table, completely immersed in music theory. Not realizing that my fellow musicians were slowly pouring into the room. And when I looked up, Mr. Casanova himself was standing right in front of me. His arm was making it's way around my shoulders, to hug me. "Hi. My name is S. You must be new around here." Um, I didn't know what to say. But I knew instantly, I was in trouble.

Probably because every female in the room was hot for him. And I knew it instantly. Secondly, who in the heck comes up and gives you a hug when you are first meeting? In case you're wondering, I'm not a hugger! In fact, I enjoy personal space. A lot!

But S was persistent. I have to give him that much. By the end of rehearsal, he had written his phone number on the side of my music. Had sang one of my favorite songs, which left me almost unable to play. And invited me to go out to eat with a bunch of the other musicians.

Over the next few weeks, we became good friends. We saw each other at rehearsal twice a week. And I noticed S was in my building a lot more. I knew he wasn't majoring in the same field as I was, so I wasn't sure what that was all about. His best friend, G and his girlfriend L, they also quickly became friends with me. Before long, we were the 4 Musketeers. Sharing meals, laughing at S, and becoming friends. In fact, we even shared tears. That was the year that our entire world changed...9/11 happened.

These were people that I could trust. That understood when you only have $5 to your name. And who shared my passion for our culture...and music. I was asked to join a group that the guys played in, and the rest is history. In the next 3 years, we went to hell and back together. We would scrap up our nickels and dimes to eat beans and rice together. And then pack up our bags to fly across the country to perform. The guys and I traveled the same 40 something miles at least 8 times a week.

There came the big shows that we performed in. All the traveling. Even my lost luggage. We got through it all. And they even helped me get through some of my darkest days. My car accident. I'm still amazed that I survived that! When 2 very important ladies in my life were facing death. And my friends were there to hold me as God called 4 of my family members back to heaven. It was tough, but I always had my friends to lean on.

I'm the youngest of my friends. And when we all were asked to join the professional ranks of music, I knew I couldn't go. But I wanted for my friends to live out their dreams. Heck, S and I always talked about making it big one day. About working hard when we were young. And then, one day, walking away from it all to have a family. At that point in my life, S was the only person that really knew a lot about me. I had never shared a whole lot with people. I was used to being alone. But he knew me.

Even across the country, you couldn't keep these 2 good friends apart. We emailed, MySpaced, IM'd, video chatted, and talked on the phone. I flew across country to be in G and L's wedding. I loved every minute of being with my friends. And when S called me looking for advice, it was me that pushed him to chase his dream.

That was probably when things started to go wrong. I wasn't doing so well. He knew it. But I also knew this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. So I wished my friends well, and they began touring all over the world. I would get random gifts, letters, and pictures from everywhere...Japan, Italy, Spain, etc. And I was so excited for my friends.

But I was also miserable at home. I was trying to find my way. Trying to just make it. Struggling financially. Trying to stay afloat in every way I could. Let me tell you, it wasn't going so well. And then, I met Mr. "Southern Boy" himself. It was random. I was performing in Las Vegas. With the band. He happened to be there with some friends. It was a "Guys' Weekend" for them. I was just trying to make some money to pay for my books.

That chance meeting, turned into an amazing friendship. I think I've finally met someone who gets me. Again, I'm not looking for a romantic relationship. But this is someone who understands how I grew up. Who can understand feeling this alone in life. He gets that money isn't everything. That most of the time, it just means more problems. He gets that.

This man, became my friend. A good friend. Someone that I call when life is just so stinking miserable, that I don't want to get out of bed. Before long, I think he was making up gigs for our band. Trying to help me out. But it didn't matter. He was my friend. We are a very unlikely pairing of friends. Especially if you know us and know our backgrounds. But we are so similar, you would think we grew up together!

This didn't sit well with S. In fact, it created more problems than I could have ever imagined. S was OK with J. He knew that we were best friends. But this new guy, he was not comfortable with him. At all! And before I knew it, a storm was brewing. An evil one.

I'm that girl. The one that has a bunch of guy friends. But I'm also the one that is always trying to set them up. But I'm that girl. I work with nothing but guys. My best friends are guys. I just feel more comfortable with male friends. I don't have to worry about a whole lot when it comes to them. They just like to enjoy life. And they are extra security when I need it. Like the big brothers that I never really had.

Over the summer, S and I had a blow out fight. The kind that leaves you sick in your stomach. J felt bad about. In fact, I was mad at both of them. For a while. S mad me so incredibly mad. Because he made me second guess myself. I started questioning my actions. And I don't do that. He wanted me to himself. I was feeling like a possession. And I wasn't having it. We had a horrible fight the day before our friends' wedding. The kind of fight that had me yelling at him, while I stood in my driveway, shoes in my hand. I was so mad.

And I left. I got in my car, and I drove. We didn't talk for the rest of the weekend. Not 1 word to each other. That was it. Not even 2 months later, he was back. For my Goddaughter's birthday. Acting liking a fool. An older friend of ours, someone that is like a dad, also had a huge fight with him. I later found out why. And it had something to do with me. But that wasn't it. He was really looking for a fight.

And sure enough he got it. We were in rehearsal. Getting ready for a gig for the "Southern Boy." S was going to go with us. And I was late to rehearsal. Which was normal. I had to work at the hospital until late. And when I walked into rehearsal, you could feel the tension. Then, S started with the little remarks. And the "Southern Boy" wasn't having it. Neither were the guys in the band. And before I knew it, S was laying on the ground. The "Southern Boy" had just punched him. I'm going to spare you the details. But it wasn't good!

He left that night. And that was the last I had heard from him. I hadn't seen him. Or talked to him. I was really disappointed that my friendship, could take such a turn for the worst. G kept wanting to talk to me. But the time was never right. Until last night.

S, G, L, and I sat down for a talk. Actually, it started out just S and I. But before long 2 turned into 4 turned into 8. And I already knew what was coming. Way before it came. I just knew it. I had known for a while. Just by the way that G had been acting. I don't own S. And never wanted to. I in fact, wanted him to find an amazing woman out there, while he was traveling. But things went, um a little nuts. And G didn't appreciate it. Especially when I was the one catching all the hell. For something I didn't do.

To sum it up, S and I must have yelled at each other for a good 6 hours. I don't even know. We got it all out there. It's all on the table. No skeletons to hide. I had to actually physically protect him from some of our friends. I didn't want to. But I feared what might have happened if I didn't.

I didn't leave on a good note. In fact, it will be a miracle if we ever speak again. There were too many things said. Things that should have never left either of our mouths. But it's done. And I'm not sure I want to fight for this friendship any longer. I know, it sounds selfish and cruel. But sometimes, these things don't work. Even with the best of intentions.

I'm starting to second guess my ability to even have a good friendship. People who I've treasured as friends, they're the ones that have hurt me the worst. Off the top of my head, I can name 5 close friends, whose friendships have gone up in smoke. In the last 3 or 4 years! It's sad. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just trust the wrong people.

But it just hurts, deep down in my heart. I think it's time to close up my heart. At least for a little while. And let it heal. My poor heart, and soul, have been taking a beating lately. I'm raw inside. Left without the ability to show or share my emotions and feelings. I just think it's time for me to heal. To allow myself to love the person that I am. And to be a little selfish, and put myself first, for once in my lifetime. ♥

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Big Day

Today is one of those very important days in my life. I become a Godmother again. I don't take it lightly either. This is one of those really important days in a baby's life. The day that 4 adults begin the journey, with this innocent child. Guiding them through their religion. Teaching them about faith, life, and most

I don't know Miguel very well. He's going to be Emma's Godfather. But we've met and talked 3 times. He is a really nice guy. Very down-to-earth. And someone that will help to keep Emma grounded. We are all beginning this journey together. To make sure this perfect little girl grows up to love, respect, and believe in Our Lord.

One a day like this, we look past the beautiful white clothing, all the pomp and circumstance, past the party. Today is about our vow to God. We are all taking on the responsibility for this beautiful baby. That we will teach her and guide her as she grows. I'm excited about that. Excited to share Our Amazing Dear Lord with Emma.

And I'm also excited about all the physical aspects of today. I can't wait to go pick up Emma. To get her dressed. To finally see her in her little baptismo gown that I made. I can't wait to see her be completely dunked in the water. To get to light the candle for her. To make the promises for her and to her. For Emma to officially become Emma Grace.

Later today, we are also going to enjoy a big party. One that is especially for Emma. Celebrating her. Her birth, the little angel that she is. God is great! He blesses us with little angels like Emma, to remind of that there is love in our world. Today is about celebrating her. Celebrating the life that is to come. And our commitment to her and God. The 4 of us are making those promises today. I can't wait to officially become Miss Emma Grace's Nana!!! ♥

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Making Music

This weekend is one of those super busy ones. The kind that at first glance, you get really excited for. 2 weeks ago, I couldn't wait for this weekend. Because it's a holiday weekend. Then I realized I was going to be working all weekend. And I was playing in the symphony. Don't forget Emma's baptismo. It's very busy!

But as I quickly got dressed last night, I got really excited. It all of a sudden came rushing at me. I'm playing in the symphony again! OK, I'm going to be honest, it's not my favorite place to play. But I do enjoy it. A lot! There is just something about putting on your "Concert Black" and knowing you are going to be playing in a beautiful theater. It just makes all of your body fill up with love and happiness!

And last night, as I was double checking; making sure I had my passport card, my violin, and everything I would need, I just smiled. Because it might not be the most convenient job that I have. Or the safest. But it's honestly, one of the things I enjoy most. I feel so elegant, alive, and blessed when I take that stage. You are making music with at least 100 other musicians. Taking people back into time. Honoring our past, and building our future.

Music is the only real constant I've had in my life. The thing that I can depend on 100%. The place I go to when life becomes too tough. When I'm happy, I dance to the most lively beats. And when I'm sad, I'm not afraid to cry to the sad notes of years past. Making music is a gift, that I Thank My Dear Lord for every single day! ♥

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

It Just Might Kill Me

I've heard it many times, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." I know. And I'm a strong person. If people just knew half of the story.

But tonight, I think I reached an all time low. I need to buy some supplies for school. My classes start in the morning. And well, lately, I've been more than just strapped for cash. I'm someone who only deals in cold hard cash. I think it makes you much more responsible. But it doesn't make it easy to shop when you have no money.

While I was debating in the middle of Wal-Mart between 5 cheap notebooks, a loaf of bread, and a package of feminine products, it just hit me. I can't do this any more. Why can't I afford to purchase what I need. Why? I don't know. I almost broke down in tears. I'm sure you've figured out what I ended up having to buy. And well, I'm still hungry and I don't exactly know what I'm going to take notes on tomorrow.

I'm not the kind of woman that throws her money away on makeup, shoes, and clothes. No, I'm the kind that scraps every last cent together to put herself through school. And it ain't easy. Believe me! Lately, no matter how hard I try, I'm coming up short.

As soon as I got through the register, I made a bee line for the parking lot. Once inside my car, I fell apart. Thankfully, I was parked near the tire area. No one was around. And it was dark. But I'm not sure what all my sacrifices are for. I'm not getting anywhere. I'm "Spinning my wheels in the sand." And I'm not even happy with the path I'm taking. But that's life. And I have to learn how to deal with it.

I probably feel so bad because my dad and I had another fight tonight. Seems like a pattern to me. That's all we've done for the last few weeks. But honestly, he doesn't get it. I don't want to be like my siblings. I don't want to be 50 something years old, and still relying on other people to pay my bills.

I'm near panic attacks again. Definitely avoiding my friends as much as possible. Just trying to deal. And it's not going very well. I'm like millions of Americans, I was taking my medication incorrectly about 3 months ago. Because I was trying to make it last longer. Only to find, that was the reason my heart was hurting and why it was physically painful to breath. I just stopped taking it all together. Because I couldn't afford it. Believe me, that wasn't the right move. But the only thing I could do.

But on any given night. Walk into our hospital, and I'm the one that is trying to save your life. I've been held at gun point, dealt with members of the Cartel, and just had to deal with so much craziness at the hospital. But I can't afford to go on to be a doctor. I can't pay for my medication. I don't get paid for 100 hours of work a week! I pay them to let me do my internship there.

People don't understand. No one. Including my dad. ESPECIALLY MY DAD! And it's tough. It's tough when I've had a bad day, and then I call my parents to check on them. And we end up in a fight. I sit here crying and blaming myself. But I have no one to really talk to about this. No one gets that I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to be like the doctors I work with. Having to kill themselves. And then using 65% of their paycheck to pay for loans. While living in apartments that roaches don't even like. I'm not lying!

To be honest, I'm supposed to be in a class right now. A psych and counseling class. Graduate level. But I'm not going the medical route any more. And I dropped it a week ago. Along with 4 others. In all actuality, I'm supposed to be 300 miles away. I was supposed to teach field classes from today until Saturday. But I left my internship. It's tough. I can't lie.

It's like mourning. This is something that I've wanted to do for such a long time. And I'm really good at it. I've invested so much time and money already. But there is no way I can do this on my own. I can't continue living like this. Heck, I have $25 in the bank, and $4 and some change in my wallet. To last me until the end of the month. Explain to me, how is this worth it?

Now, maybe people can understand why it makes me so mad to hear other people cheat their way into the system. They lie to get food stamps and WIC. Then they turn around and sell the food. WTH? Honestly, I wish I could get help. Just last week, these ladies were complaining to me because the WIC checks were getting smaller. Hello? You sell the food. What do you care???

And my family. The same one that gets mad when I don't go home for a baby shower or someone's party. I just can't. I've been walking to school for almost 4 years. Trying to save a little money. I can't just go home because your kid is turning 7. Or because you're having a BBQ. I wish I could. But I can't.

There are just days when I get so mad. People don't understand how lucky they are. I never realized it. Until I moved out of the house. Until we had little to no gigs. And I wasn't making money. It's tough. There are nights that I go to bed at 8PM because I'm hungry and I'm cold. At least when I sleep, I don't think about these things.

So ya, I might be complaining on here tonight. But it's my blog. And I'm going to be straight with you. My life isn't easy. It's hard. I get mad when I hear someone say they've blown $100s on some stupid game. Or an athlete is making millions. Because here I am, saving lives and I can't afford to buy bread. I can't even afford to continue on the path to being a doctor. Why? Because someone out there thinks that my parents SHOULD be helping me with school because I'm under 30 and don't have kids. It's ridiculous!

And maybe my dad doesn't get it. But I have to prove to myself that I can make it in life without him. Let's face it, he's not young. And one day, I'm not going to have him. I don't have decades and decades to screw up, while he cleans up my mess. I don't. I have to learn how to do it on my own. I have to learn to depend on me. Because I don't have anyone else to depend on. My mom, yes I have her. But I don't have the kind of siblings that I can call up and borrow a few dollars from. Heck, I've had some of them ask ME for money! I can't even call them if I have a flat tire. It's me out here, all alone, in this big mean world.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


I'm one of those people, that remembers every detail of my dreams. Vividly. It's so weird! But I do. And last night, I had 3 very different, yet life like dreams. I think I might have slept too long. That could have been the reason for all my dreams.

Dream #1:

First, I dreamt that I was a cheerleader again. For any of my readers that don't know, I was a cheerleader for 5 years. I was on a competitive team. Trips to National competitions and all! But I had this dream that we went to our state capital. Like if it was today. All of us grown up. And we went dressed in our old uniforms. Girls who had cheered before and after me. We were going to perform some sort of routine.

All of my family was there too. Which is so weird. Because when I cheered, I only had 1 aunt and 2 uncles go to my games. My parents would go, but not the rest of my family. Oh no, not this time. The entire familia went. Had their picnic meals and everything! It was a little strange. Family that doesn't even talk to me. I don't know. It was just weird.

Back to the cheerleaders. We were all there. All of them were married and/or had kids. Except me. Which in real life, is pretty accurate. I don't know what to say. But one of my friends, Antoinette was there. We haven't spoken since we graduated. And she was showing me her adorable son. I, in fact, know that she has a little boy. I ran into her mom a few years ago. In my dream, Antoinette was going through some sort of drama. And I was trying to help her through it. hmmm....

But the thing I remember most from my dream; people know liked me, talked to me, and respected me. Very different from high school. I was extremely quiet. Very much to myself. And didn't really socialize with the cheerleaders outside of cheerleading. Come on, we spent our days in school together, then practice for a 3 hours a day, plus games. I didn't feel like we connected outside of cheerleading. Did I really want to spend my 2 free hours with them? Oh, and I was in good physical shape. So much so, my uniform was too big! :)

Dream #2:

I dreamt about a friend of the family...and me...married. WHAT?!?!?! Ya, I don't know where that came from. Totally out of left field. Maybe I am sleep deprived. And God knows what happened last night. My brain my have been short circuiting or something. But I had this dream that we had gotten married. In Hawaii. It was a small wedding. He worked and I stayed at home. Making our cute 1930 something house, our home. :) It was super sweet. Kind of like an old 1950s TV show. A garden, white picket fence, and an apron all included!!! It is so strange, because I can even tell you what the house smelled like. What I was cooking. How this man's eyes looked.

In reality, as adults, we have only seen each other maybe twice. Maybe mumbled a total of 20 words to each other. Including, "Hi" and "Have a nice day." So this was totally random. I woke up in a cold sweat. Looked around my pitch black bedroom. And tried to figure what the heck had just happened. I still have no clue why HE was in my dream. What is God trying to tell me???

Dream #3:

Starring HIM again!!! God, it's me. What message are you trying to send me? I know I work too many hours. I know that I want a family. Is this some sort of message. Or is 4 hours of sleep too much for one night? Maybe it was because I actually slept in my bed last night. That rarely, if ever, happens!!!

But ya, I had a dream that we were not only married...but we were expecting a baby. A sweet little bundle of joy. It was so strange. I tell you, I think my head is playing tricks on me. But it was a sweet little thing that played through my head. Because I would really like to find a man that can love me for all my quirks. Which let me tell you, there are quite a few!!! And I want nothing more than to be a mommy.

At the point of my dream, when the 2 of us were going through baby names and looking through our nursery, I woke up. This time, I was covered in sweat. Panicked. And my heart was racing. Needless to say, I didn't go back to sleep. It was just too realistic for me. And a bit weird. I could see dreaming about someone that I know and talked to on a regular basis. But this was just too much for me.

I just wanted to share some of the randomness that goes on in my head. It's very random, I know. But it's life. And I just have to deal with it. Now I'm going to get up. Maybe get my laundry together and head to J's. I know he will be up. And will appreciate a good laugh at 4AM!!! ♥

Monday, January 11, 2010

10 Thousand Hours

Dr. Sam told me today that it takes 10,000 hours to get really good at something. Funny! My handwriting has only gotten worse with each passing hour. But I know what he was getting at.

Let's see. I work at least 100 hours a week. Every week. For a few years now. That should be well over 10,000 hours. I see why Dr. Sam is frustrated. I've finally been perfectly trained. And now I'm leaving. I have weeks left.

But I can't continue this way. I can't afford to pay for my internship. Other than school costs (tuition, books, and fees) I pay almost $7500 a semester for my internship. It's a lot of money. And I've done fairly well with paying for everything. Until last semester. When our gigs became almost nonexistent. I knew I should have stopped my internship then. But I pushed forward. And tried to make it all work. I ended up borrowing money from J to finish paying off everything from last semester. And to begin now, in the Spring. That was $6500. And I already have a payment due next Friday.

Yes, it's tough. It's really tough. Especially when I know that I learn more at the hospital than I do at school. I wish I could take some time away from school. I would stay at the hospital. But there are times when you come to that crossroads. And you just have to pick a path to go down.

I guess in the back of my mind, I know that I could take out a loan. Or I could ask my parents for help. But I don't want to go through school to come out owing my life for it. My parents really can't afford to help me. And the money that I saved for school, well it's invested at the moment. So I'm pretty much on my own.

J has been a HUGE help. And I probably lean on him a little too much. But I work for him. At the end of the day, this is like a payday loan. I work, he keeps my checks until I pay him off. He's not pleased about it. He would rather me get through school. Then pay off my debt. But what kind of friend would I be??? Not a very good one.

But it still makes me mad to see how older people can qualify for financial aid. But I can't. That women get to go to school for free because they have kids. But I can't get help. Because my parents make too much money. And because I'm single and under 30, they base my needs off of my parents earnings. Ugh! Meanwhile, I'm on my own. But I'm struggling here. Even if I'm on the Dean's List.

There was an anonymous donor that is willing to pay the tuition base of the internship. But that leaves the insurance part. And my equipment. But you know, it's still out of my reach right now. I'm so grateful that someone out there wants to help me. And I wish that I could accept it. Right now, it's just not a possibility.

I'm going to miss the kids. That's the part that hurts. Because I really enjoy my job. I really enjoy what I do. I like the kids. I like spending time with them. And making them better. I'm going to miss NASCAR Sundays, movie night, the Monkey Munch, talking to the little girls, and holding the preemies. But I need to understand, that some dreams are too big. That some people need a little more than hard work and passion. That some of us, well we need some financial assistance.

These leads me to, I'm going to just go after my dietetic degree. I'm almost done with it. I'm dropping all my med courses. And I'm looking into transferring to the university in my hometown. Because when I graduate, I need to obtain my RD. It means I need to go there for more school. Ugh! I never wanted to go to school there. But I need to do it. And I hope at the end of all of this, that I will find a job. Let's not even talk about the crappy pay for RDs. But you know, I just need to suck it up. Eventually, I hope to be able to chase after my dream of being a doctor again.

This is part of growing up. These are the growing pains that you must go through. The hard decisions that I have to make as an adult. It's not easy. But I can still hold my head up. And I know that I'm doing this. As hard as it is, I'm doing this. One day, I will be stronger for all the sacrifices that I'm making right now. ♥

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Missing Slip

It completely slipped my mind. How? I'm not sure. But in a week, we baptise Emma Grace. I did good. I had her dress, bonnet, and booties finished in October. Before she was born. I was crocheting the set around the time that Anahi got baptized. I figured I was completely ahead of the curve. Not like my rush to find Anahi a dress. Which let me tell you, it's hard to find a baptismo dress for a toddler!

A few minutes ago, I realized that I didn't make the slip. It doesn't sound like a big deal. But my sewing machine isn't working. And it's at my parent's house. Over 250 miles away!!! My mom is trying to fix it. Now what? I need to go to JoAnn's and buy some fabric and lace. Then I'm going to make up my own pattern. And sew it by hand. I can tell you one thing, it's going to be one of a kind. But 100%, made out of love!!!

Being a Godmother, Nina, or Nana is a big job. It's starts with love and faith. At some point, there is a beautiful white dress involved. But most importantly, it's about loving the child that you are going on this journey with. I was honored when Anna Marie and Joe asked me to be Emma's Nana. Then they let me dream up her middle name. And asked me to make her baptismo gown. The current lack of a slip, is minimal. It's the love that counts! ♥

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I Could Have

In my life, there have been so many hard decisions to make lately. A lot of it has been because I've let my family treat me with disrespect. I shouldn't have. But I did. I'm a passive person. One that tries to avoid conflict. And sometimes that means, I just bite my tongue to avoid a fight.

Today was my cousin's baby shower. She is younger than me. But I can't remember her speaking 2 words to me since I was 10. She is generally a rude person. For me, it's not as easy as driving across town to get to the shower. It's more like driving 3 hours one way. Not an easy task. Had she been a little nicer to me, or even showed me a little bit of respect, I would have done it. Not so much for her. But for her mom, and her baby.

It's hard to feel like this. I hate it. I hate even blogging about it. But this is going to be a blog that includes the good with the bad. That doesn't sugar coat life. I'm not a perfect person. In fact, at this moment I probably have a few dishes in the sink. And I can see a stack of papers on my desk. I'm nowhere hear perfect!

But I'm working. Working all the time. And I just found out about the shower on Monday. Who does that? But people in my family are like that. Heck, they call you days before they decide to get married. But for me, I can't imagine traveling over 6 hours to go to a baby shower were people will treat me with disrespect. That's just not good.

As far as a gift, I'm sure I will come up with something to give the baby later on. Because that's the right thing to do. But let's be real here, I didn't have money for Christmas. And I don't have it to pay for school. This is definitely not a priority for me. And that, more than anything else, makes me sad. I try to live a good life. Following in God's ways. But some days, it is almost too much for me. I'll just pray. And ask for God to give me strength. And allow me to do the right thing. ♥

Friday, January 8, 2010

A Cardigan for Sarita

I seen this pattern a long time ago on Lion's Brand website. And I saved it. I'm not a 100% sure why. But I did. I guess I knew that someday, I would find a good reason to make it. Well, I've found a great reason to make it. For Sarita! I had wanted to make this in a dark red color. Something a little fun and Valentine's Day-ish. But something that she could wear after the holiday too.

Unfortunately, our 2 Wal-Marts no longer sell crafts. Therefore, the yarn stock is also very much depleted. I should have remembered to pick up the yarn when I went to go visit my brother. Or even when I went back to my hometown. But it slipped my mind. Completely! I don't need much yarn. Although she is 4 years old, she only wears a 2T. And sometimes, that is even too big for her!

I figured 2 skeins of Caron's dark reddish yarn would be more than enough. But the Wal-Marts here, don't carry Caron brand yarn any more. I didn't have time to go to Hobby Lobby. Because I had to go to work. And as usual, we have these weird long breaks of down time. So yesterday, I decided to look through my yarn stash. At work! Yes, I have a drawer of yarn. Because I make the kids toys.

At the very bottom was a skein of "I Love This Yarn" in Mid Green. It's darker than the picture, but not quite a sage green. I decided to try this pattern out. I know Sarita will be in town for about 10 days. Maybe I can get it done before this weekend. I like the color. But it's still not the red color I was looking for. I guess I can try to find yarn between now and then. AnI still want to make it and send it to Sarita at the hospital. A girl can never have too many sweaters!!! ♥

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Shopping: His Way

Last night, my brother had to go shopping. For some of the basics. Yup, our hometown is a little chilly. And he isn't quite ready for the weather. So we all got into the car and went to Wal-Mart. My brother seemed a little overwhelmed to be quite honest. I wanted to help him, but at the same time, I think it was important that he do this without all of staring at him. Like he was an exhibit or something.

So I convinced my mom to come with me. To pick up a few things that we needed. It's a good thing my cousin's baby shower is coming up! My mom and I went to the baby department and looked for a little while. We also made our way to the fabric department. Had some material cut. And picked up some odds and ends. Oh, and we went to get some donuts with my dad.

My brother, well he was trying to get as much as he could for his dollar. I could see he wasn't only overwhelmed, but a little stressed. I felt bad. But it was good for him to get out there and get these things done. To buy stuff that he needs. And to start his new life.

This is only the beginning for him. There is so much to come in his life. Lots of change. I think a lot of things will change now that he got some shopping under his belt. 2 hours of Wal-Mart and a basket full of stuff, we made it to the register. I could tell he was really excited when we left the store. And was super excited to try some of his new stuff on.

Unlike the rest of my family, when we got home, I stayed up. They all went to bed. And I sat and thought about our trip to Wal-Mart. In fact, I live not even a mile from a Wal-Mart. And I never think twice about having to go pick up something. OK, I do think twice. Because I'm a cash-strapped college student. But what I'm getting at, I don't think twice about going to a store, a restaurant, or wherever. I just get up and go.

But tonight, I realized, not all people have that ability. To just get up and go. It was nice to see my brother doing this. Getting to pick out some clothes. Looking through racks. Trying on belts and looking for a jacket. Doing a little shopping. And getting the things that he needs, or maybe just wants. I think it's a really important step. It's all about the baby steps right now. ♥

Sunday, January 3, 2010

My Big Brother

It's after 11 at night. A Sunday night. I'm in the middle of nowhere, desert land. I barely have an internet connection. But I'm so anxious! I get to see my big brother tomorrow! :)

We're not your typical brother-sister. He's the oldest, I'm the youngest. In a blended family of 9. I didn't grow up with him. There are over 30 years between our births! He did live with us for a little while, when I was 5 years old! But we just never had that type of relationship. We have weathered quite a bit together. The loss of our grandma, our crumbling family, his 2 divorces, his career in the USMC, when he went to war, and his move.

But tomorrow is a very special day. He is moving back home. It has been almost 9 years since he left. I guess if we get real technical here, it's been 8 years and almost 8 months. I've been without my big brother. We've talked at random, on the phone. I've written to him, he's sent cards. Oh, and I have a pile of letters, that never made it to the post office. I've seen him 3 times, in this almost 9 year period. It's been a long time!

A lot has changed. We've lost some really important family members. I've grown up. A lot! I've moved away. I think we can say it, I'm an adult now. When he left, I was barely 18 years old. Days away from graduation. Life has just pushed forward. And my brother hasn't been here. Not that I've forgotten him, but we just had to go on. I've missed him. Thought about him, prayed for him. And I honestly can't wait to see him again.

This is going to be a big adjustment for a lot of people. My brother most of all! But I do hope that we can have a better relationship at the end of the day. I'm not very close to any of my 8 siblings. The age thing, it's a big issue. Oh, and having different parents doesn't help much either! But I'm hoping for the best. For my big brother, my family, and me. It's time for our family to start healing. And if that means the youngest and the oldest have to start it, well I'm up for the task! ♥