Wednesday, January 13, 2010

It Just Might Kill Me

I've heard it many times, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." I know. And I'm a strong person. If people just knew half of the story.

But tonight, I think I reached an all time low. I need to buy some supplies for school. My classes start in the morning. And well, lately, I've been more than just strapped for cash. I'm someone who only deals in cold hard cash. I think it makes you much more responsible. But it doesn't make it easy to shop when you have no money.

While I was debating in the middle of Wal-Mart between 5 cheap notebooks, a loaf of bread, and a package of feminine products, it just hit me. I can't do this any more. Why can't I afford to purchase what I need. Why? I don't know. I almost broke down in tears. I'm sure you've figured out what I ended up having to buy. And well, I'm still hungry and I don't exactly know what I'm going to take notes on tomorrow.

I'm not the kind of woman that throws her money away on makeup, shoes, and clothes. No, I'm the kind that scraps every last cent together to put herself through school. And it ain't easy. Believe me! Lately, no matter how hard I try, I'm coming up short.

As soon as I got through the register, I made a bee line for the parking lot. Once inside my car, I fell apart. Thankfully, I was parked near the tire area. No one was around. And it was dark. But I'm not sure what all my sacrifices are for. I'm not getting anywhere. I'm "Spinning my wheels in the sand." And I'm not even happy with the path I'm taking. But that's life. And I have to learn how to deal with it.

I probably feel so bad because my dad and I had another fight tonight. Seems like a pattern to me. That's all we've done for the last few weeks. But honestly, he doesn't get it. I don't want to be like my siblings. I don't want to be 50 something years old, and still relying on other people to pay my bills.

I'm near panic attacks again. Definitely avoiding my friends as much as possible. Just trying to deal. And it's not going very well. I'm like millions of Americans, I was taking my medication incorrectly about 3 months ago. Because I was trying to make it last longer. Only to find, that was the reason my heart was hurting and why it was physically painful to breath. I just stopped taking it all together. Because I couldn't afford it. Believe me, that wasn't the right move. But the only thing I could do.

But on any given night. Walk into our hospital, and I'm the one that is trying to save your life. I've been held at gun point, dealt with members of the Cartel, and just had to deal with so much craziness at the hospital. But I can't afford to go on to be a doctor. I can't pay for my medication. I don't get paid for 100 hours of work a week! I pay them to let me do my internship there.

People don't understand. No one. Including my dad. ESPECIALLY MY DAD! And it's tough. It's tough when I've had a bad day, and then I call my parents to check on them. And we end up in a fight. I sit here crying and blaming myself. But I have no one to really talk to about this. No one gets that I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to be like the doctors I work with. Having to kill themselves. And then using 65% of their paycheck to pay for loans. While living in apartments that roaches don't even like. I'm not lying!

To be honest, I'm supposed to be in a class right now. A psych and counseling class. Graduate level. But I'm not going the medical route any more. And I dropped it a week ago. Along with 4 others. In all actuality, I'm supposed to be 300 miles away. I was supposed to teach field classes from today until Saturday. But I left my internship. It's tough. I can't lie.

It's like mourning. This is something that I've wanted to do for such a long time. And I'm really good at it. I've invested so much time and money already. But there is no way I can do this on my own. I can't continue living like this. Heck, I have $25 in the bank, and $4 and some change in my wallet. To last me until the end of the month. Explain to me, how is this worth it?

Now, maybe people can understand why it makes me so mad to hear other people cheat their way into the system. They lie to get food stamps and WIC. Then they turn around and sell the food. WTH? Honestly, I wish I could get help. Just last week, these ladies were complaining to me because the WIC checks were getting smaller. Hello? You sell the food. What do you care???

And my family. The same one that gets mad when I don't go home for a baby shower or someone's party. I just can't. I've been walking to school for almost 4 years. Trying to save a little money. I can't just go home because your kid is turning 7. Or because you're having a BBQ. I wish I could. But I can't.

There are just days when I get so mad. People don't understand how lucky they are. I never realized it. Until I moved out of the house. Until we had little to no gigs. And I wasn't making money. It's tough. There are nights that I go to bed at 8PM because I'm hungry and I'm cold. At least when I sleep, I don't think about these things.

So ya, I might be complaining on here tonight. But it's my blog. And I'm going to be straight with you. My life isn't easy. It's hard. I get mad when I hear someone say they've blown $100s on some stupid game. Or an athlete is making millions. Because here I am, saving lives and I can't afford to buy bread. I can't even afford to continue on the path to being a doctor. Why? Because someone out there thinks that my parents SHOULD be helping me with school because I'm under 30 and don't have kids. It's ridiculous!

And maybe my dad doesn't get it. But I have to prove to myself that I can make it in life without him. Let's face it, he's not young. And one day, I'm not going to have him. I don't have decades and decades to screw up, while he cleans up my mess. I don't. I have to learn how to do it on my own. I have to learn to depend on me. Because I don't have anyone else to depend on. My mom, yes I have her. But I don't have the kind of siblings that I can call up and borrow a few dollars from. Heck, I've had some of them ask ME for money! I can't even call them if I have a flat tire. It's me out here, all alone, in this big mean world.

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