It Hurts Too Much

Have you ever heard that saying,
"If you love them, then let them go. If they love you, they'll come back to you."

I've heard that a hundred different times, a hundred different ways. But if pretty much means the same thing. I loved my friend, S with all my heart. Not in a romantic way, which caused a lot of friction, between a lot of people. But I loved him nonetheless. We met when I came to college. He was the first person to introduce themselves to me. I had been in school for almost 3 weeks when we met.

I showed up to a rehearsal that I had missed for the first 2 1/2 weeks of school. Because the times and days had been changed. And no one thought to post a note or anything. It took me going to the Dean's Office, to find out where and when this class was.

And like the good little student I am, I was 30 minutes early. With my homework for another class. I sat at a table, completely immersed in music theory. Not realizing that my fellow musicians were slowly pouring into the room. And when I looked up, Mr. Casanova himself was standing right in front of me. His arm was making it's way around my shoulders, to hug me. "Hi. My name is S. You must be new around here." Um, I didn't know what to say. But I knew instantly, I was in trouble.

Probably because every female in the room was hot for him. And I knew it instantly. Secondly, who in the heck comes up and gives you a hug when you are first meeting? In case you're wondering, I'm not a hugger! In fact, I enjoy personal space. A lot!

But S was persistent. I have to give him that much. By the end of rehearsal, he had written his phone number on the side of my music. Had sang one of my favorite songs, which left me almost unable to play. And invited me to go out to eat with a bunch of the other musicians.

Over the next few weeks, we became good friends. We saw each other at rehearsal twice a week. And I noticed S was in my building a lot more. I knew he wasn't majoring in the same field as I was, so I wasn't sure what that was all about. His best friend, G and his girlfriend L, they also quickly became friends with me. Before long, we were the 4 Musketeers. Sharing meals, laughing at S, and becoming friends. In fact, we even shared tears. That was the year that our entire world changed...9/11 happened.

These were people that I could trust. That understood when you only have $5 to your name. And who shared my passion for our culture...and music. I was asked to join a group that the guys played in, and the rest is history. In the next 3 years, we went to hell and back together. We would scrap up our nickels and dimes to eat beans and rice together. And then pack up our bags to fly across the country to perform. The guys and I traveled the same 40 something miles at least 8 times a week.

There came the big shows that we performed in. All the traveling. Even my lost luggage. We got through it all. And they even helped me get through some of my darkest days. My car accident. I'm still amazed that I survived that! When 2 very important ladies in my life were facing death. And my friends were there to hold me as God called 4 of my family members back to heaven. It was tough, but I always had my friends to lean on.

I'm the youngest of my friends. And when we all were asked to join the professional ranks of music, I knew I couldn't go. But I wanted for my friends to live out their dreams. Heck, S and I always talked about making it big one day. About working hard when we were young. And then, one day, walking away from it all to have a family. At that point in my life, S was the only person that really knew a lot about me. I had never shared a whole lot with people. I was used to being alone. But he knew me.

Even across the country, you couldn't keep these 2 good friends apart. We emailed, MySpaced, IM'd, video chatted, and talked on the phone. I flew across country to be in G and L's wedding. I loved every minute of being with my friends. And when S called me looking for advice, it was me that pushed him to chase his dream.

That was probably when things started to go wrong. I wasn't doing so well. He knew it. But I also knew this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. So I wished my friends well, and they began touring all over the world. I would get random gifts, letters, and pictures from everywhere...Japan, Italy, Spain, etc. And I was so excited for my friends.

But I was also miserable at home. I was trying to find my way. Trying to just make it. Struggling financially. Trying to stay afloat in every way I could. Let me tell you, it wasn't going so well. And then, I met Mr. "Southern Boy" himself. It was random. I was performing in Las Vegas. With the band. He happened to be there with some friends. It was a "Guys' Weekend" for them. I was just trying to make some money to pay for my books.

That chance meeting, turned into an amazing friendship. I think I've finally met someone who gets me. Again, I'm not looking for a romantic relationship. But this is someone who understands how I grew up. Who can understand feeling this alone in life. He gets that money isn't everything. That most of the time, it just means more problems. He gets that.

This man, became my friend. A good friend. Someone that I call when life is just so stinking miserable, that I don't want to get out of bed. Before long, I think he was making up gigs for our band. Trying to help me out. But it didn't matter. He was my friend. We are a very unlikely pairing of friends. Especially if you know us and know our backgrounds. But we are so similar, you would think we grew up together!

This didn't sit well with S. In fact, it created more problems than I could have ever imagined. S was OK with J. He knew that we were best friends. But this new guy, he was not comfortable with him. At all! And before I knew it, a storm was brewing. An evil one.

I'm that girl. The one that has a bunch of guy friends. But I'm also the one that is always trying to set them up. But I'm that girl. I work with nothing but guys. My best friends are guys. I just feel more comfortable with male friends. I don't have to worry about a whole lot when it comes to them. They just like to enjoy life. And they are extra security when I need it. Like the big brothers that I never really had.

Over the summer, S and I had a blow out fight. The kind that leaves you sick in your stomach. J felt bad about. In fact, I was mad at both of them. For a while. S mad me so incredibly mad. Because he made me second guess myself. I started questioning my actions. And I don't do that. He wanted me to himself. I was feeling like a possession. And I wasn't having it. We had a horrible fight the day before our friends' wedding. The kind of fight that had me yelling at him, while I stood in my driveway, shoes in my hand. I was so mad.

And I left. I got in my car, and I drove. We didn't talk for the rest of the weekend. Not 1 word to each other. That was it. Not even 2 months later, he was back. For my Goddaughter's birthday. Acting liking a fool. An older friend of ours, someone that is like a dad, also had a huge fight with him. I later found out why. And it had something to do with me. But that wasn't it. He was really looking for a fight.

And sure enough he got it. We were in rehearsal. Getting ready for a gig for the "Southern Boy." S was going to go with us. And I was late to rehearsal. Which was normal. I had to work at the hospital until late. And when I walked into rehearsal, you could feel the tension. Then, S started with the little remarks. And the "Southern Boy" wasn't having it. Neither were the guys in the band. And before I knew it, S was laying on the ground. The "Southern Boy" had just punched him. I'm going to spare you the details. But it wasn't good!

He left that night. And that was the last I had heard from him. I hadn't seen him. Or talked to him. I was really disappointed that my friendship, could take such a turn for the worst. G kept wanting to talk to me. But the time was never right. Until last night.

S, G, L, and I sat down for a talk. Actually, it started out just S and I. But before long 2 turned into 4 turned into 8. And I already knew what was coming. Way before it came. I just knew it. I had known for a while. Just by the way that G had been acting. I don't own S. And never wanted to. I in fact, wanted him to find an amazing woman out there, while he was traveling. But things went, um a little nuts. And G didn't appreciate it. Especially when I was the one catching all the hell. For something I didn't do.

To sum it up, S and I must have yelled at each other for a good 6 hours. I don't even know. We got it all out there. It's all on the table. No skeletons to hide. I had to actually physically protect him from some of our friends. I didn't want to. But I feared what might have happened if I didn't.

I didn't leave on a good note. In fact, it will be a miracle if we ever speak again. There were too many things said. Things that should have never left either of our mouths. But it's done. And I'm not sure I want to fight for this friendship any longer. I know, it sounds selfish and cruel. But sometimes, these things don't work. Even with the best of intentions.

I'm starting to second guess my ability to even have a good friendship. People who I've treasured as friends, they're the ones that have hurt me the worst. Off the top of my head, I can name 5 close friends, whose friendships have gone up in smoke. In the last 3 or 4 years! It's sad. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just trust the wrong people.

But it just hurts, deep down in my heart. I think it's time to close up my heart. At least for a little while. And let it heal. My poor heart, and soul, have been taking a beating lately. I'm raw inside. Left without the ability to show or share my emotions and feelings. I just think it's time for me to heal. To allow myself to love the person that I am. And to be a little selfish, and put myself first, for once in my lifetime. ♥