Feels "Old School" to Me

My friends' little girls, got a stack of board games, this year for Christmas. Pretty exciting. At least I think so. I was always a BIG fan of games when I was little. Actually, I'm still a big fan of them. :)

So when I got the call about "The Very Hungry Caterpillar Game," I was very excited! They're saving the game, so I can play with them. Yes, I think I'm the only one that enjoys things like this. You know, playing with the kids for hours and hours..."Old School" style. Anyway that you put it, I'm pumped to go home. Just so I can play this game! It's one of our favorite books to read. You know, when they come over to my house for a sleepover, or when I go visit them.

Until then, I'm going to enjoy some family time. One of my cousins is turning 1 today. In my family, that means a big birthday party. All I have to say is...there is pizza in my very near future! ♥

Holding True

There's this man. I loved him. I love him. I'm not really sure if it's past or present. But in my heart, it feels like it's still there.

I've never thought of love as being complete. You hear women say it all the time, I'm looking for the man that completes me. I'm not. I need to complete me. I'm looking for the man that compliments the woman that I am, that challenges me to grow, that will help me to be a better person. That's what I'm looking for.

This man, he's an amazing man. Talented, hardworking, loving, caring, and so funny! From the same home state as me. But he grew up north of where I did. We share the same religion, passion for music, and love of life. But our dreams and hopes for the future, lead the two of us, on two very different roads.

He recently started a blog. And I'm not sure what to think of it. I know how he feels. I know how I feel. But does that make something like this logical? I'm not sure...

Yesterday morning, I watched this video, read this tweet, and read this blog post. It just made me think, I need to stick to my guns. He has a lot to prove to me. A lot to apologize for. And he needs to work on gaining my trust again. I didn't do anything wrong. And I'm not compromising who I am, because he suddenly woke up.

It's crazy. He was the person I went to for everything! We'd hangout at school. He'd bring me a peanut butter sandwich between classes. I would have class from 6AM-10PM. We'd talk about life. Things we wanted. How many kids we wanted. What we'd name them. Where we'd live. The fact that I want to stay home with my kids. And he always felt like he needed to be able to support a family on his own.

When things were really bad, I went to him. There were many nights, that he helped me out. Just listening. Helping me to work through one of the worst things that could ever happen to a young girl. Something that I had buried deep down inside. Never told anyone. To this day, the only 2 people I've told, are him and my counselor. And as a young adult, it came bubbling to the surface. He helped me through it. Encouraged me to get help. And to work on putting it behind me.

He was also the one I ran to when I lost my uncle. I cried. I held on to him like he was the sole reason I was alive. He reassured me. Held me tight let me cry. And arranged for me to get home for the services. In mere hours, I was on a cross country flight home.

This man, held my hand before surgery. Before a surgery that I didn't tell my parents about until 4 or 5 years later! He was there. Took care of me. Literally helped me do everything I needed to do for weeks after. Besides my mom and grandma, I don't think anyone else has ever washed my dirty clothes. But he did. And bought me groceries. Tried to cook. Carried me to and from my house to his truck. Drove 90 minutes my doctor's appointments and back again. He was there for me.

He knows more about me than any other single person on this planet. Everything! My deepest and darkest secrets. The horrible stuff that I endured as a kid. The loneliness I felt growing up. My insecurities. All of my accomplishments. My likes. My dreams. What makes my blood boil over. How to get me to fall asleep. He knows it all.

I never felt safer, more loved, or more comfortable than I did around him. His hugs, they were like a warm blanket, that wrapped around my soul. He made me toes curl with a single grin. And my heart race every time he sang. No place felt more safe, than tightly wrapped in his arms. Listening to his heart beat.

He was the one. We joked many, many times about getting married. At 19, I almost did. In "Sin City." We were working a gig. And as poor as they get. We had just realized, we could get some help with our tuition, if we got married. It would cost less than $100. We seriously considered it. But ended our night with a mini wedding cake instead. When he got the big job in Florida, he asked me to marry him again. For real this time. Ginormous diamond ring included. Down on one knee. Tears in his eyes. Arms held out. Because he loved me. And he wanted us to have a life together...

We talked about. About marriage, life, work, careers, moves, homes, and babies. But I knew he needed to chase after his dreams. He wanted to be a musician. And he had every right to do it. He worked hard for this job. I didn't want him to give it up for me. To one day regret not taking the job. And blaming it one me. I knew he had to go. And I knew that I needed to stay here. To work. To go to school. To accomplish all those things my parents wanted me to do.

So I stayed. He left. We tried to make it work. And it was going OK. Until he moved out of the country. And our lives really took different paths. Jealousy set in. Accusations started. The fighting began. The horrible fighting. I couldn't stand to hear his voice, much less see his face. Every single time we saw each other, it turned into WWIII. No lie!

And last summer, it was like the volcano erupted. Just everything the two of us had been holding in, came out. 6AM, in the middle of my front yard. I'd worked 4 days straight. Just drove into my driveway. And he had just gotten back from a tour. I knew in an instant, he had changed...

This wasn't the same man. He had hatred in his eyes. It was like his soul was empty. Missing something. The life, it wasn't shining through his eyes anymore. That, was the last time we talked. The very last time.

Because we have the same friends, work similar gigs, and well, have to see each other from time to time, we've become civil. Not that it's been easy. He did get punched out in a rehearsal. And was asked to leave. Not by me. But by our boss, and my friend. It was shocking. But real life. Slowly, we've begun to heal. We e-mail each other from time to time. But we haven't really talked.

A very close friend of ours, she wants us to talk. She sees both sides. She travels with him and her husband. She's one of my best friends. She really wants us to sit and talk about it. To work through this. We were the "Happy Little Couple." Everyone just expected that one day, we'd make it official. I'm not so sure anymore. But I would like my old friend back. Especially since, we still have to sing together. In less than a month, we're singing for a friend's wedding. Then a show 2 weeks after that.

But listening to the end of this video, reading this tweet, and reading Kandee's letter, it makes me think, I don't ever want to compromise my beliefs, values, and morals. I'm 27 years old. Successful. On my own. No man, and I mean NO MAN, owns me. I'm a person. Not a piece of property. And I deserve and expect to be treated with respect.

It's funny. So many men, they just want sex. That's it. Plain and simple. Being a female performer, I see this a lot. Guys think they're all that and a sack of potatoes. Throwing around cash. Acting like fools. Thinking that will get my attention. Funny how it doesn't. What you see on stage, that's a character. I get paid to be that person. When I leave the stage, I wash off the makeup, throw on a pair of sweats, and comb through my hair. The HUGE and oh so fancy hotel suites, well, I go back alone. To read, study for my classes, and to go to sleep. I'm really not that exciting.

He got that. He understood. I think he actually preferred me in sweats, no makeup, and my out of control hair. He never pressured me into anything. Just realized that I was me. And I had my own time table for things. Beliefs in life. For love.

The ring I wear on my left hand. It's more than a piece of jewelry. It means something to me. I don't care if I'm 27 or not. Or if people think I'm an "Old Maid." That doesn't matter to me. It's a ring I bought for myself. A promise I made to myself. Because one day, I'm going to find the right man for me. That loves, honors, and respects me, for the person I am. Maybe it will be him again. I don't know...

I guess, only time will tell. But I do know, I have to stay true to the woman that I am. I'm special. I'm the only person that is like me. No one else even comes close. Because God has made us all unique. Maybe I'm not right for this man. But there is someone out there. Someone that God made just for me. I just need to be patient. And I can never lose myself in other people. It hurts too much. And through these 3 very different women, I got the message. Loud and clear. I need to be true to me. Because in the end, it's just not worth it to lose yourself in a man. ♥

A Change in the Air

This morning, I woke up to a chilly house. The first chilly morning since last Spring. It's more than welcomed here. Because 100+ temperatures are more common than not.

I just love when the seasons start to change. We're far from being in the clear. The summer heat is still going strong during the day. But I have a feeling, I'm going to need to start covering up with some of my favorite blankets. Snuggling up with my books on the couch. And enjoying a few warm drinks at night.

My windows are open. The air is crisp and cool. Definitely a difference from the last few months. Clean and crisp. Like the air has a bite to it. Time to start bundling up. Pulling out more of my scarves. Layering my clothes. And enjoying the weather.♥

Mi Cucu

Oh, this song! It brings back so many memories. So many! Have you ever heard "Mi Cucu?" Well, when I was about 3 years old, my Nanie used to blast this on the radio. But the english version, "Don't Mess with My Tutu." And we'd go wild. Singing and dancing. I think my Tatie thought we were going nuts. And it was my song until I was at least 12 or 13 years old. That's when I stopped going to sleep at their house.

Fast forward a few years. I think I was 19 years old. And I started singing with a Nortena band. Just when we didn't have Mariachi gigs. It was a favor to one of my professors/friends, Memo. Well, this song came on during a break at our first gig. The first gig I was at. And I knew all the words. Hello! I'd been listening to it for years!

So I sang along and danced with one of the guys from the band. Have I mentioned? I love me a good cumbia too! We had a good time. And by the next gig, I was singing this onstage. Soon, my friend Sanchoncito seen me singing this song. And he told the Mariachi. Well, it became "La Chiquitita's song." No lie! We'd walk into the Convention Center to play, and another Mariachi (our friends) would start playing it!

"Mi Cucu" just took on a life of it's own. Something like "Who Let the Dogs Out" did with the Mariachi from my hometown. Yes, the same thing! So I sang and I danced. No matter where we played. Mexico, here, on the road. Wherever! And that is probably the first song I ever learned how to flirt with the audience with. I will say, that teal traje really came in handy. The one that I could barely sit down in. Perfect for a good Cumbia.

Well, these days, I stick to dancing to this song. Although, a few weeks ago, we did break it out. I sang it at a gig. Berto and I danced with each other, then with some of the people at the party we were playing at. I still love it. It makes me smile every single time I hear it. And who doesn't like a little Cumbia action? Especially with a good dance partner. ♥

Crazy Dreams

Lately, I've been having the craziest dreams. It has absolutely nothing to do with me being sick. It start weeks ago! And they've just got crazier since.

Early this morning, I had a nutty dream. It was mix between an 1800's carnival/parade and my days in cheerleading. I know! Starring none other than the "Cowboy" and I. What is going on?

It started with me in an airport. A large one. Like the one in Atlanta, maybe Orlando, heck NYC? I don't really know where I was. But I was there. With all the girls and the 1 guy that I cheered with in high school. But we were older. Like in our mid 20s. And I wasn't that quiet, shy, and awkward kid anymore. That in of itself, cracked me up!

But we were there. Dressed nicely, makeup done nice, hair in check. With all of our expensive luggage. Um, I've never traveled like that in real life! Anyway, when it's my turn to go through security and all that jazz, I tell them that my uncle died. And I can't leave right away. What uncle? I have no clue!

My coach has already gone through, so there is no yelling from her. And I'm directed to another desk. Where I have to buy a ticket to leave the airport. Not to worry. All my money is going to be returned when I come back to the airport and fly out. Again, I have no idea!

Well, who is waiting for me when I walk out the door? Mr. "Cowboy." The man is haunting my dreams! He kisses me. And we leave together. Like it was planned or something. We end up on some old "Main Street." Like we're in a small town. A lazy, old, small town. Everything is the same from back in the day. And we're getting ready to be in a parade. Oh, we also walked by my uncle's house. He lived on "Main Street," and he was still very much alive!

"Cowboy" and I head into an old building. Inside, there is my college Physics professor. Dressed up in an 1800's suit! Talking with that same heavy German accent. It was so weird! We were putting together a routine. Like a circus act. And we were supposed to be the best there ever was!

The other 8 or so people in this act, I knew them. Various friends of mine, from throughout the years. But "Cowboy" and I were performing together. We also had some "Big" secret. So we got our routine down, and got dressed. I swear, maybe 10 minutes had gone by.

Then the 10 of us were told that we were going to have to take a group of people on a tour of the town first. We were all dressed up! I had on this leotard, bodysuit, corset thing on. I swear, like a circus act from 1880. And before I knew it, we were walking through this HUGE cathedral. Showing these people. It was a Holy Day of obligation. There were so many people in the church. And I was so embarrassed having to wear this get up.

The priest, he was our priest from our church, Papa Rene! He just laughed and said he was ready for the parade. Soon the parade was on, and "Cowboy" is throwing me up in the air. Like we did in cheerleading. But with circus-y type things too. It was so weird! But everyone was cheering. I seen my parents. And his family. It was so real!

When we get done with the parade, we run off. Just the 2 of us. Dressed like this! And we make it to the court house. Where we get married. No one else has a clue. Everyone is still at the parade.

Before I know it, we're walking back into the modern day airport. Holding hands. Happily married. Big wedding rings and all. But by this time, "Cowboy" is in jeans and a dark button down shirt. I'm wearing a black shift dress, with red peep toe shoes. Talk about detail!

The person at the desk call me, Mrs. (and his real last name.) I really don't know what is going on. But we get tickets to Spain. We're going on our honeymoon. And when I turn back around, I have a big pregnant belly to show!

Can we say that this was a weird dream? I've seriously talked to this man twice in my life. For a total of 20 words? I've heard his last name twice. And this is like the 10th pregnancy dream I've had in 3 weeks. What's going on? Is my body trying to tell me something? Is my clock ticking away? Should I really call "Cowboy" back...or should I just forget that I have his number?

I was beyond freaked out when I woke up. I had sweat through all the sheets and blankets. My heart was racing. And it took me a while to figure out where I was. The dream felt so real though. I think that's what scared me so much!

Well, I should get up. I have to go back to the hospital today. Maybe it was just all that medication from yesterday. At least I'm hoping. Because I don't know how to interrupt dreams. But this one...it left me with so many questions. ♥

Lazy Sundays

I'm not used to being home on a Sunday. Especially with nothing to do. Sundays were always our busiest days at work. So this felt wrong. Very wrong! But that is exactly what I got. Stay home on a Sunday. A Sunday with nothing to do.

I went to mass. It was nice to go to church like a "normal" person on a Sunday. And to enjoy the great music, feeling, and faith with so many people! I go to mass every week. But I'm usually going to the Chapel Service at work. With a bunch of the kiddos from PEDS. So it was nice to go to church. I skipped the whole breakfast thing. Because I had to do some shopping. You know, for those essentials in life. Nothing glamorous and fun. Just deodorant. shampoo, and some bread.

By the time I got home, it was getting really cloudy and rainy. It rained pretty steadily all day and through most of the night. Which was nice. And I really enjoyed it. Because I really like rain. And rainy days. Rainy nights are my favorite! But it really dampened my plans for the day. To work on my yard. Which really needs some TLC!

Instead, I opted for a little journal writing. Which was much needed and enjoyed. Something I do every single day. But this was just a nice and enjoyable afternoon, of writing out some things that were on my mind. And I also did some crocheting. Which is becoming more and more necessary. So many of my friends are expecting right now! So that's what I did.

But mostly, I watched the rain fall. It's so soothing. And comforting. And relaxing. Something that I've needed to do for such a long time! Around 6pm, I got hungry. And searched my house for something yummy to make. The only thing I could manage to find, was pasta. So I made some spaghetti. Yummy! And it made my entire house smell like home. :) And then, I decided to scrub down the kitchen. From top to bottom, I cleaned. Everything and anything I could find in there. It also helped that the local country station had some really great music! So I danced and sang as I cleaned. :)

That was my day. I'm so not used to being home on Sundays. I'm really not used to having nothing to do. I guess this means, I really need to find a job ASAP! But it was nice to be "normal" for the day. Even if I couldn't figure out what to do. It was kinda nice to just be "normal." ♥

Dreams

I'm one of those people, that remembers every detail of my dreams. Vividly. It's so weird! But I do. And last night, I had 3 very different, yet life like dreams. I think I might have slept too long. That could have been the reason for all my dreams.

Dream #1:

First, I dreamt that I was a cheerleader again. For any of my readers that don't know, I was a cheerleader for 5 years. I was on a competitive team. Trips to National competitions and all! But I had this dream that we went to our state capital. Like if it was today. All of us grown up. And we went dressed in our old uniforms. Girls who had cheered before and after me. We were going to perform some sort of routine.

All of my family was there too. Which is so weird. Because when I cheered, I only had 1 aunt and 2 uncles go to my games. My parents would go, but not the rest of my family. Oh no, not this time. The entire familia went. Had their picnic meals and everything! It was a little strange. Family that doesn't even talk to me. I don't know. It was just weird.

Back to the cheerleaders. We were all there. All of them were married and/or had kids. Except me. Which in real life, is pretty accurate. I don't know what to say. But one of my friends, Antoinette was there. We haven't spoken since we graduated. And she was showing me her adorable son. I, in fact, know that she has a little boy. I ran into her mom a few years ago. In my dream, Antoinette was going through some sort of drama. And I was trying to help her through it. hmmm....

But the thing I remember most from my dream; people know liked me, talked to me, and respected me. Very different from high school. I was extremely quiet. Very much to myself. And didn't really socialize with the cheerleaders outside of cheerleading. Come on, we spent our days in school together, then practice for a 3 hours a day, plus games. I didn't feel like we connected outside of cheerleading. Did I really want to spend my 2 free hours with them? Oh, and I was in good physical shape. So much so, my uniform was too big! :)

Dream #2:

I dreamt about a friend of the family...and me...married. WHAT?!?!?! Ya, I don't know where that came from. Totally out of left field. Maybe I am sleep deprived. And God knows what happened last night. My brain my have been short circuiting or something. But I had this dream that we had gotten married. In Hawaii. It was a small wedding. He worked and I stayed at home. Making our cute 1930 something house, our home. :) It was super sweet. Kind of like an old 1950s TV show. A garden, white picket fence, and an apron all included!!! It is so strange, because I can even tell you what the house smelled like. What I was cooking. How this man's eyes looked.

In reality, as adults, we have only seen each other maybe twice. Maybe mumbled a total of 20 words to each other. Including, "Hi" and "Have a nice day." So this was totally random. I woke up in a cold sweat. Looked around my pitch black bedroom. And tried to figure what the heck had just happened. I still have no clue why HE was in my dream. What is God trying to tell me???

Dream #3:

Starring HIM again!!! God, it's me. What message are you trying to send me? I know I work too many hours. I know that I want a family. Is this some sort of message. Or is 4 hours of sleep too much for one night? Maybe it was because I actually slept in my bed last night. That rarely, if ever, happens!!!

But ya, I had a dream that we were not only married...but we were expecting a baby. A sweet little bundle of joy. It was so strange. I tell you, I think my head is playing tricks on me. But it was a sweet little thing that played through my head. Because I would really like to find a man that can love me for all my quirks. Which let me tell you, there are quite a few!!! And I want nothing more than to be a mommy.

At the point of my dream, when the 2 of us were going through baby names and looking through our nursery, I woke up. This time, I was covered in sweat. Panicked. And my heart was racing. Needless to say, I didn't go back to sleep. It was just too realistic for me. And a bit weird. I could see dreaming about someone that I know and talked to on a regular basis. But this man...it was just too much for me.

I just wanted to share some of the randomness that goes on in my head. It's very random, I know. But it's life. And I just have to deal with it. Now I'm going to get up. Maybe get my laundry together and head to J's. I know he will be up. And will appreciate a good laugh at 4AM!!! ♥

Shopping: His Way

Last night, my brother had to go shopping. For some of the basics. Yup, our hometown is a little chilly. And he isn't quite ready for the weather. So we all got into the car and went to Wal-Mart. My brother seemed a little overwhelmed to be quite honest. I wanted to help him, but at the same time, I think it was important that he do this without all of staring at him. Like he was an exhibit or something.

So I convinced my mom to come with me. To pick up a few things that we needed. It's a good thing my cousin's baby shower is coming up! My mom and I went to the baby department and looked for a little while. We also made our way to the fabric department. Had some material cut. And picked up some odds and ends. Oh, and we went to get some donuts with my dad.

My brother, well he was trying to get as much as he could for his dollar. I could see he wasn't only overwhelmed, but a little stressed. I felt bad. But it was good for him to get out there and get these things done. To buy stuff that he needs. And to start his new life.

This is only the beginning for him. There is so much to come in his life. Lots of change. I think a lot of things will change now that he got some shopping under his belt. 2 hours of Wal-Mart and a basket full of stuff, we made it to the register. I could tell he was really excited when we left the store. And was super excited to try some of his new stuff on.

Unlike the rest of my family, when we got home, I stayed up. They all went to bed. And I sat and thought about our trip to Wal-Mart. In fact, I live not even a mile from a Wal-Mart. And I never think twice about having to go pick up something. OK, I do think twice. Because I'm a cash-strapped college student. But what I'm getting at, I don't think twice about going to a store, a restaurant, or wherever. I just get up and go.

But tonight, I realized, not all people have that ability. To just get up and go. It was nice to see my brother doing this. Getting to pick out some clothes. Looking through racks. Trying on belts and looking for a jacket. Doing a little shopping. And getting the things that he needs, or maybe just wants. I think it's a really important step. It's all about the baby steps right now. ♥