Vintage Dreaming...

It's Monday. I'm working. And I'm exhausted. It doesn't help that the doctor, that I'm supposed to be working with today, well...he's running late. So I have nothing to do, but sit here and wait.

So I found an empty computer, and started to entertain myself. Most "normal" people would probably "troll" their favorite stores...like Target, or even Amazon. Me? I read blogs. Then find links to AMAZING Etsy shops...



Just look at these dresses! I would totally wear them for our gigs. Or just because. Add a cute pair of heels for a fun night out. Or a pair of cowboy boots, with the first pink dress. Too adorable!



And these four...I'm speechless. That wedding dress, well it actually makes me want to get married! And that's saying A LOT! But these dresses are way too adorable. Completely out of my budget. But vintage anything, especially clothes, makes me heart melt! Happy Monday! ♥

Feels "Old School" to Me

My friends' little girls, got a stack of board games, this year for Christmas. Pretty exciting. At least I think so. I was always a BIG fan of games when I was little. Actually, I'm still a big fan of them. :)

So when I got the call about "The Very Hungry Caterpillar Game," I was very excited! They're saving the game, so I can play with them. Yes, I think I'm the only one that enjoys things like this. You know, playing with the kids for hours and hours..."Old School" style. Anyway that you put it, I'm pumped to go home. Just so I can play this game! It's one of our favorite books to read. You know, when they come over to my house for a sleepover, or when I go visit them.

Until then, I'm going to enjoy some family time. One of my cousins is turning 1 today. In my family, that means a big birthday party. All I have to say is...there is pizza in my very near future! ♥

Last Night

Do you remember my post from yesterday? When I was telling you how awesome my God is? Well, he didn't fail me. Yesterday, I was having a pretty crappy day. Trying to make it a good one. Trying really hard. I want so badly for things to go right.

This meant opting out of lunch. One, to avoid Dr. B. And two, well that financial stress again. So I sat in one of the meeting rooms and ate my banana, orange, and apple. Don't tell the hotel. I took them. I didn't have time to eat them in the morning, before we left the hotel. So I took them with me. And folks, that was a good plan!

I was working on a Counseling paper. It was super quiet and I was hard at work. Then that familiar ding of an IM. I immediately recognized the screen name. Do you remember me telling you about a certain Cowboy who had a birthday? The same Cowboy that likes to call my work phone and leave me sweet messages. Like him singing my favorite country songs. :)

Oh heaven. It just makes me smile thinking about him. Yes! Well, he got on the computer during his lunch break. To check his e-mail. And he saw me signed on too. We had a quick chat. And I happened to mention that I was "in town," teaching some classes. Which I got an immediate response, "Want to go to dinner tonight? ;-)" So we made plans.

After work, Dr. D and I made the 1 hour trip back to the town, where we are staying. Now that I think of it, that was crazy! Being that the Cowboy lives where I was working. But that's what we did. I changed into more comfy clothes. And waited. Mr. Cowboy met me and we went to dinner.

We had so much fun! Was it a date? Um, I'm not sure. Seriously, I'm not sure. But we had a great time! We found this cute little restaurant. I swear, I've been here at least 20 times. I've never seen this place. It was quiet, definitely off the "Beaten Path." The food was so yummy too! We ended up sharing 2 plates. Because there was so much food, we didn't know what to order. :)

And we talked about so many things. Just sat and talked. It was everything that my soul needed. Cowboy had me laughing. I laughed so hard, I cried. We talked about being "on our own." And how it was a good change. Even if our families are hundreds of miles away. We talked about the tough stuff. And about fun things that are happening around "the south."

Literally, we stayed in the restaurant until it was closing. That's how great the conversation was. Funny. We've seen each other a few times, in the past, and barely said Hi to each other. But somehow, without anyone else being there, we let our guards down. And it was nice.

Heck, we even played the "Who Are You, When I'm Not Looking" game. It totally reminded me of the song. I LOVE Blake Shelton's version of it. But I couldn't find a video to post here. It was funny to learn all these new things from the Cowboy. Like he enjoys reading the "Classics." He laughed when I told him that I like to set the table, with candles and everything, to have dinner. It's a treat. Because I rarely get to eat a meal at home. He likes to neatly fold his clothes in a pile at the end of the day. And I definitely have to hug something, when I'm drifting off to sleep. Um, he likes to eat cold leftovers for breakfast. I secretly do the same thing. :)

But before he drove back home, I asked him to take me to Wal-Mart. I'm sure, the only place in town that was still open. I bought him some cupcakes and candles. We sat outside and I sang him Happy Birthday. To which, he blushed. It was so cute!

I told you, God works in all sorts of mysterious ways. He sends us people to improve our lives. To teach us something new. To look at life from a different angle. And to enjoy what amazing gifts we have. That little Wal-Mart cupcake and the mini Ben and Jerry's that we split, never tasted better! Why? Because we were just enjoying each other's company. Nothing crazy. Just sitting and talking. Enjoying the beautiful night that God created.



Again, I feel like I can conquer the world. Whatever happens. And this song, it will always remind me of this amazing man. What will come of our friendship? I don't know. Only time can tell that story. But I've learned to be more "Open Minded" about these things. ♥

I'm A Child of God

It's been a rough week. It's only Wednesday. It's been a rough month. It's only October 6th. But it's been rough. Dealing with deaths. People that I love so much, who were taken way too early in their lives. There's been financial stress. Family problems plague me daily. There are men that love me more than life itself. But I can't find a way to let them love me. Or a way to love them back. And it's me, trying to make it through the day.

Sometimes when I just want to give up so badly, God sends me some little message. A beautiful Goddaughter who is fighting for her life. A precious little girl who just wants a hug from her Nana. A friend that needs me to listen to them. Because he misses his wife and child that he'll never get to meet. Another friend who is trying to keep it together for her kids. And my best friend who just needs me to listen to her woes.

When I'm feeling really down, God has a way of getting the message to me. Be it an amazing lightening and rainstorm. Or the perfect phone call. I know that I'm loved. I know at the end of the day, I have friends who would risk their lives for me. That's how much they love me. The way family should love you. The kind of love that I feel is missing from my life.

God is amazing. He's awesome! I know that I talk down to myself. I'm sincerely hard on myself. I expect myself to never stumble, let alone fall. I don't take "No" for an answer. I work myself until I can't go anymore. I take on too many people's problems. And I want to fix them all. But I'm human. I'm one person. And even I can only do so much.

"But to all who have received him, those who believe in his name, he has given the right to become God’s children." ~John 1:12

I'm a Child of God. A God that loves me. He never falters, never fails. He accepts and loves me just the way I am. He loves me completely and without judging. Even with my faults. My God loves me, because I'm me. The only one out there that is like me. I'm strong to a fault. And when I hurt, it goes right to my core. My God loves me because of all these things. I'm unique. Created by him, and him alone. I'm a Child of His.

As I type this, I'm crying. The tears are overwhelming me. Because I know this to be the truth. My God will always love me. No matter what happens in my life. I can always turn to him. He sends me beautiful things, like flowers, and rainbows. He also sends me so much love. And sometimes, there is pain to work through. No one is perfect. And My God knows that. He still loves me. He knows the burdens I carry with me. And he loves me.

"Success consists of getting up, just one more time than you fall." ~Oliver Goldsmith

No matter how many times I fall, I know my God will love me. He's proven it time and time again. Jesus gave his life for you and me. For our sins and our failures. No matter what, they are here for us. In our darkest days, we're never alone. I know this. I know this personally.

I've been sent amazing people in my life. People who have filled HUGE voids in my life. Who have shaped the woman that I am today. People like Patrick. They never ask for anything at all. But they're always there to catch you when you fall. Amazing little girls like Sarita, who just want to love you. There is a God. I know this. And I'm his Child!

It's been a tough few months. Months that I've questioned certain things in my life. But never have I had to question my faith and religion. But it's been a tough time in my life. Time when I've been unsure of what is coming. But I know I always have my God to turn to. I'm going to live a better life. For him. My obstacles in the road, they're not a "Road Block." Instead, I see them as a "Detour." I will always get up one more time than I fall. Because my God has made it possible.

I woke up this morning. It was so quiet. The air was crisp and clean. A new beginning. As if the rain has washed away all the hurt, pain, and misery. I look at today as a new beginning. I might have to change my "Life Path" a bit. Make some adjustments for what's coming next. But as long as I keep My God close, I will make it out of this darkness.



There is a God. And he loves me. I'm a Child of God. When the world becomes to heavy, he carries me along. Until I'm strong enough to do his work. I believe. My God makes all things possible! ♥

Halloween Crochet

Look at how cute these Halloween projects are! So cute and simple. And something that I really want to make. :)

This cute bear all dressed up.

A decoration for a candle. Just perfect!

These cute finger puppets for your favorite little ones.

A fun ghost.

And this cute spider!

These are all the free crochet patterns, from Free Crochet, from this past week. It gets me really excited! I can't wait to start crocheting. Because that means I'll get to start decorating. And I really do LOVE Halloween! ♥

12

That's the number of times I've been proposed to. The honest proposals. The ones that count. Not the ones from fans, as we put on a show.

12. It seems like a HUGE number. There were 6 men. And I'm the "Forever Single Woman." How does this happen? How does a woman like me, get proposed to 12 times? And how am I still single?

Let's start with the conversation that my Mom and I had tonight. We were talking about life things. Things that are burdening my heart and soul. We were talking about life. And family. And out of the blue, she asked me, what I would do if someone proposed to me. When I told her that someone had, she about died. I just told her, I wasn't ready yet. That's all I said.

But the truth of the matter is this, 6 men have asked me, a total of 12 times. Will #13 be the lucky number? Will I continue to run? Do I have a problem to work through?

12 times you ask? What happened? Sanchoncito...he asked me to marry him 4 times! Oh, and I didn't count that time we ALMOST got married in Sin City...

Sanchoncito asked me to marry him, the first time, after he landed his first big job. Before he moved. I didn't want to hold him back. So I let him go. It broke my heart. But it was the right thing to do. He asked me again, right before my Uncle Al died. I remember it clearly. We had just finished a big concert. The 2 of us were sitting by the pool. He wanted nothing more than for me to become his wife. And to move to Florida to be with him. But life happened. The 3rd time was the night of Linda and Gabe's wedding. I think he was caught up in the "Magic" of the night. And the 4th time came right before he left for Mexico.

I loved him so much. Heck, I know that I still love him. But our lives have just never been at the same place, at the same time. It just never worked out. Although, I have to say, the rings have gotten better every time he's asked. ;)

Then there was J. He asked me 3 times. During the ups and downs of our friendship, I've always known that he's loved me. I just knew. From the moment that we met. And he's always been here for me. 3 times, he asked me to be his wife. He wants to take care of me. He wants to be the man that I love. He wants a family. And he wants nothing more than to love me, full heartily. Body and soul, he wants us to be one.

3 times, in that gorgeous Southern accent, he's asked me to be his wife, the mother of his children, his partner in life. 3 times, I stared into his gorgeous green eyes. Trying to come up with a reason to not marry him. And nothing came to mind. Not a thing! But it always ended the same. With me saying no. With me walking silently away, tears streaming down my cheeks, and me driving away. I didn't have a reason to NOT marry him. But I didn't know how to say yes either.

Twice my boss, "Daddy Warbucks" has asked me to marry him. Twice! The "Billionaire Extraordinaire" from my hometown, has asked me to be his bride. He told me that he loved me. He didn't know how or when it happened. Only that it had happened. Yes, he asked 2 times. At the top of his world. Overlooking the beautiful city, where he lives. Two times, I had to tell him, he was in love with the idea of being married. Not with the woman-child that was standing in front of him.

Once Albert asked me. I'm not sure what prompted it. I don't know where the feelings were coming from. Or if things had changed between us. But he asked. A beautiful antique ring in hand. He got down on one knee, and asked me to love him forever. I was stunned! I didn't know what to say. I made him stand up. And gently told him that we needed time to think about this. I honestly didn't know what to say.

Omar asked once too. I think he was just feeling lonely. At a time in my life, when I was also lonely. And it could have been so easy to have said yes. To have told him yes. But I thought better of my answer. I thought about the emotional state he was in. And I gently told him no. Because I know he is still not ready for that step in his life.

And once, a man completely took me by surprise. Mr. "Blue Eyes." I went out East to work. The band went to work. I had known my boss and friend for over 2 years at this point. We had become close friends. We talked a lot. We didn't see a lot of each other. Because we live a mere 1745 miles from one another.

But during our last trip, as a band, to the East, I was shocked. One night that we were there, everyone was asleep. Of course, I couldn't sleep. And I didn't want to wake up my best friend. Or anyone else in the house. So I went outside. I sat on the porch. And just looked out into the darkness. Mr. "Blue Eyes" was also awake. On the opposite side of the house. And when he heard his dog, he came to investigate.

Before I knew it, we were driving to another part of his property. In the middle of the night. In our PJs. We ended up at a beautiful clearing. So beautiful! The moon was shining just perfectly. And it was so incredibly quiet and peaceful. The 2 of us stood there looking around us. We were in the middle of nowhere. But it was perfect!

He started to tell me all these things. About how much he loved me. About how he could see us having a future together. How this was the spot that he wanted to build his "Forever Home" one day. The day that he found "The One," and they began their life together. This was the place were he wanted to build his future and his family. He pulled out the most incredibly ring I've ever seen in my life. Ever! Sparkling in the moonlight. He got down on one knee and asked me to be his "Forever."

I was honestly stunned. Without words. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. We'd never dated. Yes, we'd spent time together. We had talked a lot. We had become amazing friends. But beyond that, I just didn't have anything to go on. I mean, how could I move across the country, for this man? Did he really love me? Did I love him? Could we spend our lives together?

I sank to my knees. So we could be face to face. I held his face in my hands. I said nothing. I just held his face. Our foreheads pressed against each others. The tears spilling from my eyes. I just knew, it wasn't right at this time. I never said a thing. I just stared into his eyes.

There you go. 6 amazing men. 12 incredible times. Me? I'm still single. Ridiculously, almost painfully, single. I'm not sure. How does this happen? Am I the problem in every situation? Why do men feel the need to ask me this incredible question? Out of these men, I've only ever dated one. Funny thing, Sanchoncito and I were never dating during the 4 proposals. Or the one "Almost Wedding."

Maybe I was meant to be "Forever Single." Or maybe I haven't met "The One." Maybe I just needed some time to "Find Myself." I'm finally feeling more "Complete and Whole." You know, as a person. Maybe this is what I needed. Some time to grow and become the woman I was meant to be. I just hope, that now, there is a man willing to ask me those four simple words. ♥

Vegas Baby!

We're on our way to Las Vegas right now! Yes people, we almost missed our flight. But never fear, we made it!

I'm sitting here. Still with my hair up, red roses in, my big earrings, a full face of makeup, and a pair of sweats. Very glamorous for a red eye to Las Vegas. Albert is sitting next to me. Maribel is crashed out on top of him. I swear, we have the cutest Goddaughter ever!

And what are we all doing? We're going to Las Vegas to perform. Scratch that. The guys are going to finish teaching. I'm along for the ride. Because we're all performing in the big show, on Saturday night. And our friends are getting married on Sunday. A wedding that I'm singing at. With Sanchoncito. This should be interesting...

But I'm really looking forward to this mini trip of ours. I desperately need the money for school. I love to perform. I LOVE Mariachi. I'm getting the chance to go to Javi's wedding. And I get to spend time with all of my favorite Ninitos. :)

That to me, sounds like an amazing time. And I get home just in time for school and work. What more can I ask for? Um, a nap. So I'm going to go. We have a little while left in the air. And I'm going to sleep. Because apparently, I'm one of the last people still awake on this flight. And sleep, well it just sounds really nice, after the long day of work that we had. ♥

His Birthday and a Little Singing

Today is the "Cowboy's" birthday. How do I know? Because he called me this morning. When I was on my way home. He just felt like talking. And he was getting ready to head home. For a class or something.

How did I find out it was his birthday? Because as we were talking, one of his buddies wished him a Happy Birthday. The funny thing was, he was trying to make me feel better. You know, after all the work I've been doing. And all the stress I've been under. He is just too sweet.

Our conversation actually started with him singing me "Good Morning Beautiful." He honestly is just too sweet! And he really does make my days better. Just with little calls like this one. As soon as he started to sing the words, a smile just came across my face. It's still there! :)

I feel bad though. Because I didn't know it was his birthday. I didn't get him a card or anything. I'm going out of town tomorrow. You know the drill. But I promised to make him a big birthday cake. I just didn't think it out though. How I was going to get it to him?

Before we hung up, I sang Happy Birthday to him. I swear, if I could have seen his face, it would have been bright red! I could just see that sideways smile of his. And I probably would have seen the twinkle in his eyes. You know, some people are just born with that. But he shyly told me "Thank you." He never expected that I'd really sing to him. You could honestly hear the happiness in his voice.

But more than anything, I hope he has a great birthday! He really is an amazing man. Generous, sweet, and caring. There are not many men out there like him. Trust me. As a single woman, I know this. But today, I just want him to have a nice day. Happy Birthday Handsome! ♥

Holding True

There's this man. I loved him. I love him. I'm not really sure if it's past or present. But in my heart, it feels like it's still there.

I've never thought of love as being complete. You hear women say it all the time, I'm looking for the man that completes me. I'm not. I need to complete me. I'm looking for the man that compliments the woman that I am, that challenges me to grow, that will help me to be a better person. That's what I'm looking for.

This man, he's an amazing man. Talented, hardworking, loving, caring, and so funny! From the same home state as me. But he grew up north of where I did. We share the same religion, passion for music, and love of life. But our dreams and hopes for the future, lead the two of us, on two very different roads.

He recently started a blog. And I'm not sure what to think of it. I know how he feels. I know how I feel. But does that make something like this logical? I'm not sure...

Yesterday morning, I watched this video, read this tweet, and read this blog post. It just made me think, I need to stick to my guns. He has a lot to prove to me. A lot to apologize for. And he needs to work on gaining my trust again. I didn't do anything wrong. And I'm not compromising who I am, because he suddenly woke up.

It's crazy. He was the person I went to for everything! We'd hangout at school. He'd bring me a peanut butter sandwich between classes. I would have class from 6AM-10PM. We'd talk about life. Things we wanted. How many kids we wanted. What we'd name them. Where we'd live. The fact that I want to stay home with my kids. And he always felt like he needed to be able to support a family on his own.

When things were really bad, I went to him. There were many nights, that he helped me out. Just listening. Helping me to work through one of the worst things that could ever happen to a young girl. Something that I had buried deep down inside. Never told anyone. To this day, the only 2 people I've told, are him and my counselor. And as a young adult, it came bubbling to the surface. He helped me through it. Encouraged me to get help. And to work on putting it behind me.

He was also the one I ran to when I lost my uncle. I cried. I held on to him like he was the sole reason I was alive. He reassured me. Held me tight let me cry. And arranged for me to get home for the services. In mere hours, I was on a cross country flight home.

This man, held my hand before surgery. Before a surgery that I didn't tell my parents about until 4 or 5 years later! He was there. Took care of me. Literally helped me do everything I needed to do for weeks after. Besides my mom and grandma, I don't think anyone else has ever washed my dirty clothes. But he did. And bought me groceries. Tried to cook. Carried me to and from my house to his truck. Drove 90 minutes my doctor's appointments and back again. He was there for me.

He knows more about me than any other single person on this planet. Everything! My deepest and darkest secrets. The horrible stuff that I endured as a kid. The loneliness I felt growing up. My insecurities. All of my accomplishments. My likes. My dreams. What makes my blood boil over. How to get me to fall asleep. He knows it all.

I never felt safer, more loved, or more comfortable than I did around him. His hugs, they were like a warm blanket, that wrapped around my soul. He made me toes curl with a single grin. And my heart race every time he sang. No place felt more safe, than tightly wrapped in his arms. Listening to his heart beat.

He was the one. We joked many, many times about getting married. At 19, I almost did. In "Sin City." We were working a gig. And as poor as they get. We had just realized, we could get some help with our tuition, if we got married. It would cost less than $100. We seriously considered it. But ended our night with a mini wedding cake instead. When he got the big job in Florida, he asked me to marry him again. For real this time. Ginormous diamond ring included. Down on one knee. Tears in his eyes. Arms held out. Because he loved me. And he wanted us to have a life together...

We talked about. About marriage, life, work, careers, moves, homes, and babies. But I knew he needed to chase after his dreams. He wanted to be a musician. And he had every right to do it. He worked hard for this job. I didn't want him to give it up for me. To one day regret not taking the job. And blaming it one me. I knew he had to go. And I knew that I needed to stay here. To work. To go to school. To accomplish all those things my parents wanted me to do.

So I stayed. He left. We tried to make it work. And it was going OK. Until he moved out of the country. And our lives really took different paths. Jealousy set in. Accusations started. The fighting began. The horrible fighting. I couldn't stand to hear his voice, much less see his face. Every single time we saw each other, it turned into WWIII. No lie!

And last summer, it was like the volcano erupted. Just everything the two of us had been holding in, came out. 6AM, in the middle of my front yard. I'd worked 4 days straight. Just drove into my driveway. And he had just gotten back from a tour. I knew in an instant, he had changed...

This wasn't the same man. He had hatred in his eyes. It was like his soul was empty. Missing something. The life, it wasn't shining through his eyes anymore. That, was the last time we talked. The very last time.

Because we have the same friends, work similar gigs, and well, have to see each other from time to time, we've become civil. Not that it's been easy. He did get punched out in a rehearsal. And was asked to leave. Not by me. But by our boss, and my friend. It was shocking. But real life. Slowly, we've begun to heal. We e-mail each other from time to time. But we haven't really talked.

A very close friend of ours, she wants us to talk. She sees both sides. She travels with him and her husband. She's one of my best friends. She really wants us to sit and talk about it. To work through this. We were the "Happy Little Couple." Everyone just expected that one day, we'd make it official. I'm not so sure anymore. But I would like my old friend back. Especially since, we still have to sing together. In less than a month, we're singing for a friend's wedding. Then a show 2 weeks after that.

But listening to the end of this video, reading this tweet, and reading Kandee's letter, it makes me think, I don't ever want to compromise my beliefs, values, and morals. I'm 27 years old. Successful. On my own. No man, and I mean NO MAN, owns me. I'm a person. Not a piece of property. And I deserve and expect to be treated with respect.

It's funny. So many men, they just want sex. That's it. Plain and simple. Being a female performer, I see this a lot. Guys think they're all that and a sack of potatoes. Throwing around cash. Acting like fools. Thinking that will get my attention. Funny how it doesn't. What you see on stage, that's a character. I get paid to be that person. When I leave the stage, I wash off the makeup, throw on a pair of sweats, and comb through my hair. The HUGE and oh so fancy hotel suites, well, I go back alone. To read, study for my classes, and to go to sleep. I'm really not that exciting.

He got that. He understood. I think he actually preferred me in sweats, no makeup, and my out of control hair. He never pressured me into anything. Just realized that I was me. And I had my own time table for things. Beliefs in life. For love.

The ring I wear on my left hand. It's more than a piece of jewelry. It means something to me. I don't care if I'm 27 or not. Or if people think I'm an "Old Maid." That doesn't matter to me. It's a ring I bought for myself. A promise I made to myself. Because one day, I'm going to find the right man for me. That loves, honors, and respects me, for the person I am. Maybe it will be him again. I don't know...

I guess, only time will tell. But I do know, I have to stay true to the woman that I am. I'm special. I'm the only person that is like me. No one else even comes close. Because God has made us all unique. Maybe I'm not right for this man. But there is someone out there. Someone that God made just for me. I just need to be patient. And I can never lose myself in other people. It hurts too much. And through these 3 very different women, I got the message. Loud and clear. I need to be true to me. Because in the end, it's just not worth it to lose yourself in a man. ♥

A Change in the Air

This morning, I woke up to a chilly house. The first chilly morning since last Spring. It's more than welcomed here. Because 100+ temperatures are more common than not.

I just love when the seasons start to change. We're far from being in the clear. The summer heat is still going strong during the day. But I have a feeling, I'm going to need to start covering up with some of my favorite blankets. Snuggling up with my books on the couch. And enjoying a few warm drinks at night.

My windows are open. The air is crisp and cool. Definitely a difference from the last few months. Clean and crisp. Like the air has a bite to it. Time to start bundling up. Pulling out more of my scarves. Layering my clothes. And enjoying the weather.♥

Mi Cucu

Oh, this song! It brings back so many memories. So many! Have you ever heard "Mi Cucu?" Well, when I was about 3 years old, my Nanie used to blast this on the radio. But the english version, "Don't Mess with My Tutu." And we'd go wild. Singing and dancing. I think my Tatie thought we were going nuts. And it was my song until I was at least 12 or 13 years old. That's when I stopped going to sleep at their house.

Fast forward a few years. I think I was 19 years old. And I started singing with a Nortena band. Just when we didn't have Mariachi gigs. It was a favor to one of my professors/friends, Memo. Well, this song came on during a break at our first gig. The first gig I was at. And I knew all the words. Hello! I'd been listening to it for years!

So I sang along and danced with one of the guys from the band. Have I mentioned? I love me a good cumbia too! We had a good time. And by the next gig, I was singing this onstage. Soon, my friend Sanchoncito seen me singing this song. And he told the Mariachi. Well, it became "La Chiquitita's song." No lie! We'd walk into the Convention Center to play, and another Mariachi (our friends) would start playing it!

"Mi Cucu" just took on a life of it's own. Something like "Who Let the Dogs Out" did with the Mariachi from my hometown. Yes, the same thing! So I sang and I danced. No matter where we played. Mexico, here, on the road. Wherever! And that is probably the first song I ever learned how to flirt with the audience with. I will say, that teal traje really came in handy. The one that I could barely sit down in. Perfect for a good Cumbia.

Well, these days, I stick to dancing to this song. Although, a few weeks ago, we did break it out. I sang it at a gig. Berto and I danced with each other, then with some of the people at the party we were playing at. I still love it. It makes me smile every single time I hear it. And who doesn't like a little Cumbia action? Especially with a good dance partner. ♥

Be Great

I've been thinking a lot lately. You know. About the direction my life is going. I want to do more for others. Being without my internship, it's like walking around missing my head, my heart, and one of my legs.

And as I was looking at things to do, I saw a great news story the other night. About our local Boys and Girls Club. It just got me thinking. I want to join the Boys and Girls Clubs of America. I want to be a positive person in someone else's life.

I was so lucky growing up. I was surrounded by family that was always there for me. My grandma lived next door. I could also count on my uncle and aunt. And my teachers were amazing! Giving me lots of extra time and attention. Helping me to grow to my potential. I had so many excellent mentors. Including Patrick. He was, has, and always will be one of the people I will always look up to.

I want to give back. I want to do something for my community. To have a positive influence on the youth of today. Because, I had people who cared about me. And since I left my internship, I've felt this huge void in my life. I want to be a positive influence on someone else's life again. ♥

A Day of Mariachi

This is some of the beautiful music that I have the pleasure and privilege of playing today. I just love Mariachi music! It has a truly special place in my heart. The music is beautiful. I feel like I'm helping our culture to live a little longer every single time I play. Not to mention, I feel like I can bring a sense of pride to our heritage.

Almost 15 years ago, I started on this amazing path. It has not all been hearts and sugar pops. I had to work hard. Find a place I fit in. And a group that respected me. But it has been worth it. I get to play in Mariachi. One of my dreams in life. And I've met some of the most amazing people. People that will be in my life, for a lifetime. Friends that have become mi familia. I'm honored. And so glad God send me on this journey. :)

I really am honored to put on a traje and call myself a Mariachi. Today, I'm playing with my friends. Being with them, it just makes the day that much more amazing! And I can't wait to spend the day making beautiful music, meeting new people, and dancing with mis payasos! ♥

Happy Friday!

In case you are wondering, my life is not always filled with drama. Sometimes, really good things happen. Like next Saturday, I'm standing in a wedding. For 2 of my best friends. And I'm the "Maid of Honor."

C bought me a gorgeous dress to wear for the rehearsal. Because it's going to be a very dressy event and she's such a sweet person. So I've got this beautiful chocolatey, bronze number to wear. And I was wondering about what to do with my hair and makeup. M is doing all of our hair and makeup, but I was looking for some ideas.

During my break just now, I went to Carly's blog to take a look. I was hoping to find something fun. And Carly did not disappoint! I originally found Carly through her YouTube channel. And I just love the makeup that she does!

Today I found this video! And it is perfect for the rehearsal. I sent it to M and she said it's perfect. We've got our makeup look ready for next Friday. Now to find some hair ideas...

Well, I hope you have a great Friday! And if you're a makeup lover, take a look at this video. You will enjoy it! I promise. Happy Friday! ♥

Life is Funny...

One minute someone is telling me hurtful and awful things. My heart is broken into a million pieces. And I'm just drained. Physically and emotionally. Then I walk into church. A place that I feel so safe and loved in, and start to feel better. My heart and soul begin to heal.

I go to mass during the week. At least twice, sometimes 3 times. And it makes me feel better. All of a sudden, people aren't judging me. They're loving me. I'm surrounded by God and people that really do love me. Not because they have to, but because they want to. At the end of the day, I can say that much. My friends love me. And their kids, there is nothing I'd rather see than those smiling little faces.

As I felt emotionally spent and completely exhausted, I turned to God tonight and asked him for patients, his love, his knowledge, guidance, and a little faith. I needed it. I know people say things without thinking them through. But it doesn't make them hurt any less. Words are powerful. And they sting.

But tonight, when I walked into church, I was met with a hug from Papa Rene. And these smiling little faces that I love so much! Welcomed into the pew where my friends sat. And I was surrounded by love. Love that is much needed and Welcomed. I forget how important love is. And a night like tonight, it was Welcomed and needed.

The words we heard in mass, were powerful. And about love and forgiveness. Very fitting for the day I had. Holding babies, who tightly grasped my fingers, and feeling hugs from little girls, it just helped to heal my soul and my heart even more. :)

I didn't grow up with this kind of love and affection. And forget very easily, just how important it is. But tonight, God sent me all this love. Because he knew, I needed it. I needed it as much as I needed air. And the big bear hug from Memo, well it's the kind of hug I wish I could get from my own Dad.

At the end of mass, like every mass I go to, Papa Rene hugs each of us individually. And blesses us. I got an extra little prayer tonight. I think he just knew I needed it. And Memo invited us all over for dinner. But I was spent. As much as I needed my friends, I needed some rest too. Memo understood.

He slipped me $10 to go pick up something to eat. And told me to go home and rest. Isn't that such a "Dad" thing to do? I think so. I skipped my grocery shopping. Drove to get a burrito and came home.

I spent 30 minutes watching the birds and eating. Trying to remind myself of all the good things I have in life. Of all the good that God has sent my way. Remembering how strong I am. And how much I've survived. There has to be a reason I'm still here. And then I get that call. From the tiny little voice that I love so very much. And heart just grew with love. It was Sarita.

My dear Goddaughter who is fighting for her life. She called because she told me that she knew her Nana needed some love tonight. Her "Angel" had told her that. She definitely put a smile on my face. And we talked for almost an hour. About 'Rella and Papa Memo. About the birdies and what we are going to do when she comes home. I miss her. And I now realize, there are more important things in life. Beginning and ending with the people that really matter. The ones that make your life better, simply by knowing them.

I know that. I've always known that. My little angel reminded me of that tonight. No matter how hard life gets, you can't give up. If Sarita can fight cancer, I can fight all these things that are coming at me. But most of all, I've learned how powerful love is. We just know when someone needs our love. Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and tell someone just how much you love them. It might just make their day! ♥

Overload of Emotions

It's crazy! Today was supposed to be all about me signing papers. The papers that would say, if anything were to happen to S and D, Maribel would become my daughter. Yes, I'm her Nana. And her parents asked me to take her in case anything were to happen to them. They asked A to take Marissa and Mariella. And they asked us if we could co-parent the girls. We are both very honored that they trust us so very much!

It was a big day. Later in the summer, they'll do the same for their new twins. They'll go with their respective Godparents. And it was a big day. I felt a HUGE surge of responsibility. Like one day, Maribel could possibly be mine. I hope I don't screw this up! She is their daughter, and I want to do the best I can. How on Earth do they think I can do this? I guess people see more good in me, than I see in myself.

And that my friends, was supposed to be the emotional day I was to have. Ending with a quick lunch and me heading back to work. But someone out there in the universe, thinks I need more emotion. And they sent me truck loads today. It began when I returned to work after lunch. And Dr. S was all up on me. Because he received his paperwork that I will be finished with my internship on July 9, 2010.

Why? You probably want to know that. Well, I was supposed to be done with it back in May. I'm dead broke. I have no money. And I actually have to pay for my internship. I don't get paid a red cent! But I've managed. At least, thus far. Now, our gigs are farther and farther apart. The little bit of money I make working for J goes to me getting better physical and mentally. The whole computer dying...well it didn't help my bank account either. It leaves me with no money for school. Much less an internship that costs nearly $8000 a semester.

I had managed to save up some money. Some money I was going to use for my Fall tuition. But Dr. S and the Dean of Ag managed to talk me into just one more semester of my internship. I wasn't sure. But when Dr. S agreed to pay for my insurance. And the Dean threw in $500, well I couldn't say no. How could anyone?

So I pitched in my almost $1200. Dr. M bought my scrubs. And I borrowed the rest from J. I knew it was a temporary fix. But it allowed me a few more weeks on the job. And that, I couldn't resist. I know there are many people pulling for me to succeed. But sometimes, the desire, passion, and talent are not enough. I just can't do this anymore. I have no money. So the next semester for my internship begins July 12, 2010. I won't be there. Therefore, I'm forfeiting the remainder of my internship.

It saddens my heart to no end. I cried for weeks knowing that it was coming. But there is nothing left for me to do. Not a darn thing. Believe me, I've tried. But I just don't feel right asking my parents to help me. And I can't possibly borrow another cent from J. He's too good of a friend.

So today, instead of Rounds, I sat in Dr. S's office and got yelled at. For 3 hours. I tried to keep it together. But the tears came. I couldn't hold them back. Because this is what I want to do with my life. I just don't have the means to do it. I respect Dr. S to the ends of the Earth. He has made me the "Doctor-in-training" that I am. And now, Dr. S is mad and disappointed in me. And in a few short weeks, I won't work in the hospital. And I won't work with my kiddos...

It was bad. I cried. I couldn't look at Dr. S for the rest of the day. My heart broke every single time I saw one of my patients. This is what I was put on Earth to do. Be a pediatrician. But I can't do it. When it came time to leave, I was slightly relieved. And looked forward to a peaceful evening...

Then I'm on my way home. It's been a hell of a day! And I just want 5 minutes of peace before I have to go to church. My Dad calls. He never calls me. I have to call them. And if I don't call every single day, it's like having to face God and Satan at the same time. I usually call my parents when I get home from work. So this was HUGE surprise! And my Dad never really talks to me on the phone. Our conversations usually go,


Dad: "Hi. How are you? How's the weather? How was work?"
Me: "Hi Dad. It's hot. Really hot. Work was work. I'm on my way home. How's your leg?"
Dad: "It's hot as hell here. My legs OK."


Then I usually hear him ask my Mom if she wants to talk to me. We will usually talk for 30 minutes to an hour. But not today. Dad was pissed. I could just tell. And he talked. And said all these sideways comments. And I knew he was mad. And I was already all emotional. My eyes still stung from crying earlier. And it really was hot in my car. I was trying to make the hour drive home. That was quickly turning into 90 minutes because of construction and traffic. Oh the heat was bad!

And my Dad kept on and on and on. I knew he was mad. Then I said something about having to go to the store after mass. He just blew up on me. I pulled over. Because, well, no need to cause an accident as my Dad is telling me off. Over what? Because I need to go buy some water. Sorry, but we're in the middle of an extreme heat wave. In case he's forgotten, I don't have AC at home. I might be the only one in the entire Borderland without AC. I need some water.

Yes, all I mentioned was that I needed to go pick up some water. And maybe some groceries. Because you know, I get hungry from time to time too. Lord help me for needing to eat and stay cool. And he just went off. Honestly, a few bucks is not going to make or break me at this point. I have no money. What's $2 in water? And maybe $10 in groceries. But I made the fatal error of mentioning a trip to Costco with J tomorrow...

That's when the yelling began, and my tears just flowed. Why does he have to constantly yell? Shouldn't he be happy that I have someone to lean on a little here? I don't have a Costco card because I can't afford it. And honestly, I only need to go maybe once a year to buy some toilet paper and laundry soap. So what's the big deal? My Dad has known that for over 2 years, I haven't had a card. And I've never asked him for one. I know he gets them for his employees. But I don't need one. Not for 1-2 trips a year. He just started yelling at me because of J. Would it be so bad if a good man like J wanted to take care of me? Apparently so...

At this point, I guess I'm not good enough to be a happy person. I should be miserable at home. And no, it's not OK for anyone, especially a man, to lend me a helping hand. Funny thing is, I don't lean on anyone. I might cry a little when things get bad. And yes, I'm not going to lie, I go to J or Memo to talk about things. And well, yes, I usually cry too. But it's not like J is doing anything for me other than being my friend.

But honestly, tomorrow, I'm meeting J to pick up a thing of toilet paper, some laundry soap, and maybe some tuna. And if I don't find water again tonight, I might buy some tomorrow. It's not that big of a deal. But to my Dad, it sure as hell was. And he yelled and yelled. And told me how ungrateful I am. And why is he even living because no one appreciates him anyhow. Um, Dad, you taught me to stand on my own 2 feet. To not need anyone, to do things for myself. I'm just trying to do that. And grow up. But he just yelled. Which made me cry...

And why was that? Because I try so hard to make him proud. And I try so hard to be financially independent. And I can't do it anymore. And I'm falling apart here. And I don't want to burden my parents. And I most certainly don't want to disappoint them either! But my Dad doesn't see it that way. I don't do enough in his eyes. I'm dropping the ball everywhere he's concerned. And why in the hell am I spending my own money on some of life's necessities?

I had to remind him that I'm 27 years old. I've lived on my own since I was 18. And I need to do these things. Whether or not I struggle, it's part of growing up. Hell, most people in my family, at my age, have at least 3 kids. But here I am, trying to make it through college, and everything I do is wrong.

Well, the fight with me was interrupted by some other fight. With who? I have no clue. But he hung up on me. And there I was. On the side of the highway, crying. Because my Dad just doesn't get it. Maybe my 59 year old brother is OK with being a full time mooch. But I'm not. And if I have to leave school for a while, and live off of boiled macaroni, and sweat all summer long...well I will.

And no matter how much yelling Dr. S does, I can't responsibly sign up for another semester of school. And no matter if I have no food, I will never go to my parents for a handout. Because I'm an adult. I have to stand on my own 2 feet. That's what responsible adults do.

And then I think about earlier today. 2 of my very best friends are trusting to raise their daughter, if they are not here to do it. So I must not be a bad person. They have to see some good in me to trust me with someone as special, loving, and as important as Maribel is. That right there, softens my heart a little. And reminds me, there is good in this life.

Now it's time for me to go. Or I'll be late to mass. And tonight of all nights, I need some love from God. And my favorite little girls. I'm proud to me their Tia/Nana. And big hug from Memo wouldn't be so bad either. He really is like a father figure to me. And Bless your soul if you made it this far. You really have a special place in my heart, simply for caring this much. ♥

Open to the Possibilities

I had this intimate conversation with a good friend today. Albeit over the phone, during my lunch break. But it got me thinking. As much as I really enjoyed spending time with my parents and taking care of them this past week, I'm ready for someone to love. Yes, I enjoyed getting the chance to go home and take care of my Mom and Dad. Making sure my Mom got her eye drops. Helping my Dad with his leg. Making them dinner. It was a great few days. But I'm ready for someone to love.

I think I'm finally in that place were I'm ready to "Welcome" a relationship into my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and realize I missed out on the really important things in life. I don't want my entire life to encompass work and the hospital.

I want to find someone to share this life with. A man who can appreciate my goofiness. And my love of the outdoors. Who can appreciate my "Palm Tree" hairdo, and sunburned skin. One day, I want to be making baby things for my baby. I think with my best friend expecting her little girl, it's really got me thinking. There is definitely more to life than my work. 100 hours a week in a hospital...there has to be more to life!

I guess I'm tired of going home to an empty house. I'm tired of going to events alone. And being around all of my "coupled" friends. There has to be something said for being the youngest in my group of friends, and being the only single female. It's not always the funniest place to be. Not when my male friends act as if I'm their kid sister. And I need protecting from any male within 100 miles.

But I just think more things in my life are changing. I'm finally embracing the changes. And I'm ready to start my own life. For so long, I've been living for other people. Trying to make them happy. It's time for me to start doing that for myself.

I'm not on the "prowl" for a man. No way! But if someone happens along my path, I'm not going to be so quick to turn away. I know in my lifetime, I've walked away from a few good men. The timing just wasn't right for me. And now, most of them are good friends. But you just never know what the future has in store for you. You just have to be open to the possibilities. ♥

Making Music

This weekend is one of those super busy ones. The kind that at first glance, you get really excited for. 2 weeks ago, I couldn't wait for this weekend. Because it's a holiday weekend. Then I realized I was going to be working all weekend. And I was playing in the symphony. Don't forget Emma's baptismo. It's very busy!

But as I quickly got dressed last night, I got really excited. It all of a sudden came rushing at me. I'm playing in the symphony again! OK, I'm going to be honest, it's not my favorite place to play. But I do enjoy it. A lot! There is just something about putting on your "Concert Black" and knowing you are going to be playing in a beautiful theater. It just makes all of your body fill up with love and happiness!

And last night, as I was double checking; making sure I had my passport card, my violin, and everything I would need, I just smiled. Because it might not be the most convenient job that I have. Or the safest. But it's honestly, one of the things I enjoy most. I feel so elegant, alive, and blessed when I take that stage. You are making music with at least 100 other musicians. Taking people back into time. Honoring our past, and building our future.

Music is the only real constant I've had in my life. The thing that I can depend on 100%. The place I go to when life becomes too tough. When I'm happy, I dance to the most lively beats. And when I'm sad, I'm not afraid to cry to the sad notes of years past. Making music is a gift, that I Thank My Dear Lord for every single day! ♥

My Big Brother

It's after 11 at night. A Sunday night. I'm in the middle of nowhere, desert land. I barely have an internet connection. But I'm so anxious! I get to see my big brother tomorrow! :)

We're not your typical brother-sister. He's the oldest, I'm the youngest. In a blended family of 9. I didn't grow up with him. There are over 30 years between our births! He did live with us for a little while, when I was 5 years old! But we just never had that type of relationship. We have weathered quite a bit together. The loss of our grandma, our crumbling family, his 2 divorces, his career in the USMC, when he went to war, and his move.

But tomorrow is a very special day. He is moving back home. It has been almost 9 years since he left. I guess if we get real technical here, it's been 8 years and almost 8 months. I've been without my big brother. We've talked at random, on the phone. I've written to him, he's sent cards. Oh, and I have a pile of letters, that never made it to the post office. I've seen him 3 times, in this almost 9 year period. It's been a long time!

A lot has changed. We've lost some really important family members. I've grown up. A lot! I've moved away. I think we can say it, I'm an adult now. When he left, I was barely 18 years old. Days away from graduation. Life has just pushed forward. And my brother hasn't been here. Not that I've forgotten him, but we just had to go on. I've missed him. Thought about him, prayed for him. And I honestly can't wait to see him again.

This is going to be a big adjustment for a lot of people. My brother most of all! But I do hope that we can have a better relationship at the end of the day. I'm not very close to any of my 8 siblings. The age thing, it's a big issue. Oh, and having different parents doesn't help much either! But I'm hoping for the best. For my big brother, my family, and me. It's time for our family to start healing. And if that means the youngest and the oldest have to start it, well I'm up for the task! ♥