It's been 1 month. One very long month. After Labor Day, I found out that Dean C and Dr. S had changed my schedule. They didn't tell me. They just did it. They wanted me to take all these classes and to do my internship. It didn't matter that I couldn't afford it. Or that I was already registered and taking 2 classes. They made the change. And by the time I found out, I couldn't change my schedule back.
No one ever listens to me. It's not that I wanted to just leave. My internship had become my entire life. And living a life as lonely and sad as mine, it was the only light in my life. The only thing that made me smile. It made me happy. I was doing something amazing. Helping innocent babies grow strong. Saving lives. It gave me hope. And to be honest, it was my only reason to get out of bed in the mornings.
But with the growing costs, and less and less gigs, I had no options. Do you want me to tell you the truth? I'm still paying J for money he lent me for the 2010 Spring semester. I know he doesn't mind. In fact, he's told me time after time, to just wait until I graduate. He doesn't need the money. Heck, maybe one day we can break even. I can be his kiddos' doctor. To be honest, I think he's hoping I'll just tell him yes one day...
All of that makes me uncomfortable. So I work. I sign over my checks to him. Every payday, I just sign my check and leave it on his desk. And anytime I have extra money, he gets it. I'm so determined to pay him as soon as possible. I know that my friend loves me. And I know that he would do anything for me. But I don't want him to think, that I use him for money. First and foremost, he's my best friend.
I also don't want to go down the route of Student Loans. Not yet anyway. I know, one day I might have to. Heck, I know when I get to Medical School, I'm going to have to. So I don't want to do it now. But that means, there are sacrifices to be made along the way.
So where am I going with all of this? It's been a tough month. I've tried to figure out ways to pay for school. I've looked at upcoming gigs. And how much money I'm going to make. I've thought about asking J to lend me more money. I've thought about leaving school for a semester. I was offered an amazing job with the Border Patrol. But I couldn't take it. Why? Because as an intern, I'm required to work 100-120 hours a week! And I have to be ready to travel at the drop of a hat. So with the internship, I couldn't work at the Border Patrol.
That leaves me with over $15,000 to pay by December. Half of which is due Friday. I've borrowed $3500 from J for books. Dr. S paid my insurance. Which is another $3,500. You know, he's half at fault for this. My other friend, Dr. M, he paid for my scrubs. I'm still left with almost $8,000 to pay. I've paid over $1,000 in tuition. Thus far, I think that's good. I've done it on my own. And I have a balloon payment due on Friday. $3,500 for my internship. And the difference in my tuition. I have to at least have $1,750 paid.
It's midterm. And I don't know where to turn. I've carried all of this. Just like ever other semester. I've carried this burden, this stress. I didn't want to be here. That's why I was only enrolled in 2 classes. I knew I couldn't do it. I have no support. No one to lean on. No one to talk to. I could handle 2 classes and $800. I didn't even buy the books for those classes. That's how tight money is. But this...$15,000, an internship, and 28 credits...I can't handle this anymore.
This is about the time I'd call Patrick for advice. Just wanting to hear his thoughts. Asking for advice. I'd never ask my parents for help. They have a business to run. It's bad enough that everyone else in the family uses them for money. I'm determined to stand on my own two feet. But I don't have Patrick to call. I have no one to lean on. It's just me. Alone, scared, stressed, worried, and falling apart. No one to talk to. No one to listen to me. To really sit down and listen to what I have to say.
Sunday, Dr. S yelled at me for at least 2 hours. Trying to talk me out of this. Come on. $3,500 isn't going to fall from the sky. I don't have any money! I work and work and work some more. I'm just not making the money. And then, Monday night we talked on the phone. I told him there was no way I could do this...
So this morning, I was supposed to work with him. At the hospital in my hometown. I came last night. My Dad was bugged. Not in any kind of mood to talk. This is why I don't talk to him about these things. Because he gets so mad. So I didn't say anything. I couldn't sleep last night. And after that horrible conversation with Dr. S, I knew it was over. I knew all the things I had worked so hard for and sacrificed for, they're over.
I'm only one person. I can only do so much. I can only carry so much weight. I've been carrying the weight of the world since I was little. Trying to make peace within my family. Taking everything that my siblings have to dish out. Being the peace maker for my parents. Being strong. Holding my family together. Keeping people happy. Being everything that everyone needs and wants me to be.
Today, I was leaving. Heading south. For my 4 hour road trip, to work. And as I was leaving, my Dad knew something was wrong. And as I tried to calming explain it, he blew up. This man, my father, the person I'm supposed to turn to when life is falling apart, he just blew up. He doesn't understand. I doubt that he ever will...
All of a sudden he wants to run in and save the day. Write a check for $200. And that's supposed to fix this. Come on. And he blamed me for it all. Let's be real here. He knew I was having trouble. He knows how much it costs me to go to school. He doesn't ever want to talk. You know, because of my brother. I'm pretty much at midterm. And last week was the first time he offered me money. $250. I'm grateful. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't make much difference.
So when he's yelling at me, I just have to sit and think. Does he get it? NO! I'm drowning here. And he's on the sidelines watching. Criticizing everything I'm doing. But he's not willing to walk a day in my shoes. I'm trying. There's not a single thing I can do. I mean, you can go to my house right now. There is nothing in my refrigerator. I have a few cans of food in the cabinet. I don't go shopping. I can't tell you the last time I went out to lunch with friends. I don't do anything.
I sincerely have no money. Besides the $250 my parents gave me last week, which I'm using to make a payment for school this week, I have $25 in my bank account. $25 people! Yes, we go on trips for gigs. I do what I have to. I go to the rehearsals, the performances, and whatever else appearances we have to make. Then I spend the rest of my time, in my room. Because I most certainly can't afford a meal in Las Vegas. Heck, I can't even afford to stop at Taco Bell, when we're playing gigs near home!
It's that bad. And all I can ever get from my Dad is negativity. He doesn't get it. I don't want his money. But I do want some support. Some compassion. For once in my life, I want him to tell me that he loves me and that he's proud of me. That's it.
I look at the things I do in life, I do them because I want him, to be proud of me. That's it. I've given up men that I love, a career in music, and even my happiness. But it's never enough. I fear that even when I become a doctor, it's not going to be enough. How much more do I have to do? I go without eating and sleeping. I'm trying to get myself through school. I just feel like I always come up short with my Dad. That my Mom and me will never matter. No matter what we do. ♥
Showing posts with label Daily Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daily Life. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Vegas Baby!
We're on our way to Las Vegas right now! Yes people, we almost missed our flight. But never fear, we made it!
I'm sitting here. Still with my hair up, red roses in, my big earrings, a full face of makeup, and a pair of sweats. Very glamorous for a red eye to Las Vegas. Albert is sitting next to me. Maribel is crashed out on top of him. I swear, we have the cutest Goddaughter ever!
And what are we all doing? We're going to Las Vegas to perform. Scratch that. The guys are going to finish teaching. I'm along for the ride. Because we're all performing in the big show, on Saturday night. And our friends are getting married on Sunday. A wedding that I'm singing at. With Sanchoncito. This should be interesting...
But I'm really looking forward to this mini trip of ours. I desperately need the money for school. I love to perform. I LOVE Mariachi. I'm getting the chance to go to Javi's wedding. And I get to spend time with all of my favorite Ninitos. :)
That to me, sounds like an amazing time. And I get home just in time for school and work. What more can I ask for? Um, a nap. So I'm going to go. We have a little while left in the air. And I'm going to sleep. Because apparently, I'm one of the last people still awake on this flight. And sleep, well it just sounds really nice, after the long day of work that we had. ♥
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Holding True
There's this man. I loved him. I love him. I'm not really sure if it's past or present. But in my heart, it feels like it's still there.
I've never thought of love as being complete. You hear women say it all the time, I'm looking for the man that completes me. I'm not. I need to complete me. I'm looking for the man that compliments the woman that I am, that challenges me to grow, that will help me to be a better person. That's what I'm looking for.
This man, he's an amazing man. Talented, hardworking, loving, caring, and so funny! From the same home state as me. But he grew up north of where I did. We share the same religion, passion for music, and love of life. But our dreams and hopes for the future, lead the two of us, on two very different roads.
He recently started a blog. And I'm not sure what to think of it. I know how he feels. I know how I feel. But does that make something like this logical? I'm not sure...
Yesterday morning, I watched this video, read this tweet, and read this blog post. It just made me think, I need to stick to my guns. He has a lot to prove to me. A lot to apologize for. And he needs to work on gaining my trust again. I didn't do anything wrong. And I'm not compromising who I am, because he suddenly woke up.
It's crazy. He was the person I went to for everything! We'd hangout at school. He'd bring me a peanut butter sandwich between classes. I would have class from 6AM-10PM. We'd talk about life. Things we wanted. How many kids we wanted. What we'd name them. Where we'd live. The fact that I want to stay home with my kids. And he always felt like he needed to be able to support a family on his own.
When things were really bad, I went to him. There were many nights, that he helped me out. Just listening. Helping me to work through one of the worst things that could ever happen to a young girl. Something that I had buried deep down inside. Never told anyone. To this day, the only 2 people I've told, are him and my counselor. And as a young adult, it came bubbling to the surface. He helped me through it. Encouraged me to get help. And to work on putting it behind me.
He was also the one I ran to when I lost my uncle. I cried. I held on to him like he was the sole reason I was alive. He reassured me. Held me tight let me cry. And arranged for me to get home for the services. In mere hours, I was on a cross country flight home.
This man, held my hand before surgery. Before a surgery that I didn't tell my parents about until 4 or 5 years later! He was there. Took care of me. Literally helped me do everything I needed to do for weeks after. Besides my mom and grandma, I don't think anyone else has ever washed my dirty clothes. But he did. And bought me groceries. Tried to cook. Carried me to and from my house to his truck. Drove 90 minutes my doctor's appointments and back again. He was there for me.
He knows more about me than any other single person on this planet. Everything! My deepest and darkest secrets. The horrible stuff that I endured as a kid. The loneliness I felt growing up. My insecurities. All of my accomplishments. My likes. My dreams. What makes my blood boil over. How to get me to fall asleep. He knows it all.
I never felt safer, more loved, or more comfortable than I did around him. His hugs, they were like a warm blanket, that wrapped around my soul. He made me toes curl with a single grin. And my heart race every time he sang. No place felt more safe, than tightly wrapped in his arms. Listening to his heart beat.
He was the one. We joked many, many times about getting married. At 19, I almost did. In "Sin City." We were working a gig. And as poor as they get. We had just realized, we could get some help with our tuition, if we got married. It would cost less than $100. We seriously considered it. But ended our night with a mini wedding cake instead. When he got the big job in Florida, he asked me to marry him again. For real this time. Ginormous diamond ring included. Down on one knee. Tears in his eyes. Arms held out. Because he loved me. And he wanted us to have a life together...
We talked about. About marriage, life, work, careers, moves, homes, and babies. But I knew he needed to chase after his dreams. He wanted to be a musician. And he had every right to do it. He worked hard for this job. I didn't want him to give it up for me. To one day regret not taking the job. And blaming it one me. I knew he had to go. And I knew that I needed to stay here. To work. To go to school. To accomplish all those things my parents wanted me to do.
So I stayed. He left. We tried to make it work. And it was going OK. Until he moved out of the country. And our lives really took different paths. Jealousy set in. Accusations started. The fighting began. The horrible fighting. I couldn't stand to hear his voice, much less see his face. Every single time we saw each other, it turned into WWIII. No lie!
And last summer, it was like the volcano erupted. Just everything the two of us had been holding in, came out. 6AM, in the middle of my front yard. I'd worked 4 days straight. Just drove into my driveway. And he had just gotten back from a tour. I knew in an instant, he had changed...
This wasn't the same man. He had hatred in his eyes. It was like his soul was empty. Missing something. The life, it wasn't shining through his eyes anymore. That, was the last time we talked. The very last time.
Because we have the same friends, work similar gigs, and well, have to see each other from time to time, we've become civil. Not that it's been easy. He did get punched out in a rehearsal. And was asked to leave. Not by me. But by our boss, and my friend. It was shocking. But real life. Slowly, we've begun to heal. We e-mail each other from time to time. But we haven't really talked.
A very close friend of ours, she wants us to talk. She sees both sides. She travels with him and her husband. She's one of my best friends. She really wants us to sit and talk about it. To work through this. We were the "Happy Little Couple." Everyone just expected that one day, we'd make it official. I'm not so sure anymore. But I would like my old friend back. Especially since, we still have to sing together. In less than a month, we're singing for a friend's wedding. Then a show 2 weeks after that.
But listening to the end of this video, reading this tweet, and reading Kandee's letter, it makes me think, I don't ever want to compromise my beliefs, values, and morals. I'm 27 years old. Successful. On my own. No man, and I mean NO MAN, owns me. I'm a person. Not a piece of property. And I deserve and expect to be treated with respect.
It's funny. So many men, they just want sex. That's it. Plain and simple. Being a female performer, I see this a lot. Guys think they're all that and a sack of potatoes. Throwing around cash. Acting like fools. Thinking that will get my attention. Funny how it doesn't. What you see on stage, that's a character. I get paid to be that person. When I leave the stage, I wash off the makeup, throw on a pair of sweats, and comb through my hair. The HUGE and oh so fancy hotel suites, well, I go back alone. To read, study for my classes, and to go to sleep. I'm really not that exciting.
He got that. He understood. I think he actually preferred me in sweats, no makeup, and my out of control hair. He never pressured me into anything. Just realized that I was me. And I had my own time table for things. Beliefs in life. For love.
The ring I wear on my left hand. It's more than a piece of jewelry. It means something to me. I don't care if I'm 27 or not. Or if people think I'm an "Old Maid." That doesn't matter to me. It's a ring I bought for myself. A promise I made to myself. Because one day, I'm going to find the right man for me. That loves, honors, and respects me, for the person I am. Maybe it will be him again. I don't know...
I guess, only time will tell. But I do know, I have to stay true to the woman that I am. I'm special. I'm the only person that is like me. No one else even comes close. Because God has made us all unique. Maybe I'm not right for this man. But there is someone out there. Someone that God made just for me. I just need to be patient. And I can never lose myself in other people. It hurts too much. And through these 3 very different women, I got the message. Loud and clear. I need to be true to me. Because in the end, it's just not worth it to lose yourself in a man. ♥
I've never thought of love as being complete. You hear women say it all the time, I'm looking for the man that completes me. I'm not. I need to complete me. I'm looking for the man that compliments the woman that I am, that challenges me to grow, that will help me to be a better person. That's what I'm looking for.
This man, he's an amazing man. Talented, hardworking, loving, caring, and so funny! From the same home state as me. But he grew up north of where I did. We share the same religion, passion for music, and love of life. But our dreams and hopes for the future, lead the two of us, on two very different roads.
He recently started a blog. And I'm not sure what to think of it. I know how he feels. I know how I feel. But does that make something like this logical? I'm not sure...
Yesterday morning, I watched this video, read this tweet, and read this blog post. It just made me think, I need to stick to my guns. He has a lot to prove to me. A lot to apologize for. And he needs to work on gaining my trust again. I didn't do anything wrong. And I'm not compromising who I am, because he suddenly woke up.
It's crazy. He was the person I went to for everything! We'd hangout at school. He'd bring me a peanut butter sandwich between classes. I would have class from 6AM-10PM. We'd talk about life. Things we wanted. How many kids we wanted. What we'd name them. Where we'd live. The fact that I want to stay home with my kids. And he always felt like he needed to be able to support a family on his own.
When things were really bad, I went to him. There were many nights, that he helped me out. Just listening. Helping me to work through one of the worst things that could ever happen to a young girl. Something that I had buried deep down inside. Never told anyone. To this day, the only 2 people I've told, are him and my counselor. And as a young adult, it came bubbling to the surface. He helped me through it. Encouraged me to get help. And to work on putting it behind me.
He was also the one I ran to when I lost my uncle. I cried. I held on to him like he was the sole reason I was alive. He reassured me. Held me tight let me cry. And arranged for me to get home for the services. In mere hours, I was on a cross country flight home.
This man, held my hand before surgery. Before a surgery that I didn't tell my parents about until 4 or 5 years later! He was there. Took care of me. Literally helped me do everything I needed to do for weeks after. Besides my mom and grandma, I don't think anyone else has ever washed my dirty clothes. But he did. And bought me groceries. Tried to cook. Carried me to and from my house to his truck. Drove 90 minutes my doctor's appointments and back again. He was there for me.
He knows more about me than any other single person on this planet. Everything! My deepest and darkest secrets. The horrible stuff that I endured as a kid. The loneliness I felt growing up. My insecurities. All of my accomplishments. My likes. My dreams. What makes my blood boil over. How to get me to fall asleep. He knows it all.
I never felt safer, more loved, or more comfortable than I did around him. His hugs, they were like a warm blanket, that wrapped around my soul. He made me toes curl with a single grin. And my heart race every time he sang. No place felt more safe, than tightly wrapped in his arms. Listening to his heart beat.
He was the one. We joked many, many times about getting married. At 19, I almost did. In "Sin City." We were working a gig. And as poor as they get. We had just realized, we could get some help with our tuition, if we got married. It would cost less than $100. We seriously considered it. But ended our night with a mini wedding cake instead. When he got the big job in Florida, he asked me to marry him again. For real this time. Ginormous diamond ring included. Down on one knee. Tears in his eyes. Arms held out. Because he loved me. And he wanted us to have a life together...
We talked about. About marriage, life, work, careers, moves, homes, and babies. But I knew he needed to chase after his dreams. He wanted to be a musician. And he had every right to do it. He worked hard for this job. I didn't want him to give it up for me. To one day regret not taking the job. And blaming it one me. I knew he had to go. And I knew that I needed to stay here. To work. To go to school. To accomplish all those things my parents wanted me to do.
So I stayed. He left. We tried to make it work. And it was going OK. Until he moved out of the country. And our lives really took different paths. Jealousy set in. Accusations started. The fighting began. The horrible fighting. I couldn't stand to hear his voice, much less see his face. Every single time we saw each other, it turned into WWIII. No lie!
And last summer, it was like the volcano erupted. Just everything the two of us had been holding in, came out. 6AM, in the middle of my front yard. I'd worked 4 days straight. Just drove into my driveway. And he had just gotten back from a tour. I knew in an instant, he had changed...
This wasn't the same man. He had hatred in his eyes. It was like his soul was empty. Missing something. The life, it wasn't shining through his eyes anymore. That, was the last time we talked. The very last time.
Because we have the same friends, work similar gigs, and well, have to see each other from time to time, we've become civil. Not that it's been easy. He did get punched out in a rehearsal. And was asked to leave. Not by me. But by our boss, and my friend. It was shocking. But real life. Slowly, we've begun to heal. We e-mail each other from time to time. But we haven't really talked.
A very close friend of ours, she wants us to talk. She sees both sides. She travels with him and her husband. She's one of my best friends. She really wants us to sit and talk about it. To work through this. We were the "Happy Little Couple." Everyone just expected that one day, we'd make it official. I'm not so sure anymore. But I would like my old friend back. Especially since, we still have to sing together. In less than a month, we're singing for a friend's wedding. Then a show 2 weeks after that.
But listening to the end of this video, reading this tweet, and reading Kandee's letter, it makes me think, I don't ever want to compromise my beliefs, values, and morals. I'm 27 years old. Successful. On my own. No man, and I mean NO MAN, owns me. I'm a person. Not a piece of property. And I deserve and expect to be treated with respect.
It's funny. So many men, they just want sex. That's it. Plain and simple. Being a female performer, I see this a lot. Guys think they're all that and a sack of potatoes. Throwing around cash. Acting like fools. Thinking that will get my attention. Funny how it doesn't. What you see on stage, that's a character. I get paid to be that person. When I leave the stage, I wash off the makeup, throw on a pair of sweats, and comb through my hair. The HUGE and oh so fancy hotel suites, well, I go back alone. To read, study for my classes, and to go to sleep. I'm really not that exciting.
He got that. He understood. I think he actually preferred me in sweats, no makeup, and my out of control hair. He never pressured me into anything. Just realized that I was me. And I had my own time table for things. Beliefs in life. For love.
The ring I wear on my left hand. It's more than a piece of jewelry. It means something to me. I don't care if I'm 27 or not. Or if people think I'm an "Old Maid." That doesn't matter to me. It's a ring I bought for myself. A promise I made to myself. Because one day, I'm going to find the right man for me. That loves, honors, and respects me, for the person I am. Maybe it will be him again. I don't know...
I guess, only time will tell. But I do know, I have to stay true to the woman that I am. I'm special. I'm the only person that is like me. No one else even comes close. Because God has made us all unique. Maybe I'm not right for this man. But there is someone out there. Someone that God made just for me. I just need to be patient. And I can never lose myself in other people. It hurts too much. And through these 3 very different women, I got the message. Loud and clear. I need to be true to me. Because in the end, it's just not worth it to lose yourself in a man. ♥
Thursday, August 26, 2010
A Change in the Air
This morning, I woke up to a chilly house. The first chilly morning since last Spring. It's more than welcomed here. Because 100+ temperatures are more common than not.
I just love when the seasons start to change. We're far from being in the clear. The summer heat is still going strong during the day. But I have a feeling, I'm going to need to start covering up with some of my favorite blankets. Snuggling up with my books on the couch. And enjoying a few warm drinks at night.
My windows are open. The air is crisp and cool. Definitely a difference from the last few months. Clean and crisp. Like the air has a bite to it. Time to start bundling up. Pulling out more of my scarves. Layering my clothes. And enjoying the weather.♥
I just love when the seasons start to change. We're far from being in the clear. The summer heat is still going strong during the day. But I have a feeling, I'm going to need to start covering up with some of my favorite blankets. Snuggling up with my books on the couch. And enjoying a few warm drinks at night.
My windows are open. The air is crisp and cool. Definitely a difference from the last few months. Clean and crisp. Like the air has a bite to it. Time to start bundling up. Pulling out more of my scarves. Layering my clothes. And enjoying the weather.♥
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Miserable Day
It's sorta funny when I think about. The entire day was pretty bad. It started with me waking up at 2AM because of the shooting pain in my hands and arms. I couldn't sleep. They felt like cement. I couldn't move. And it hurt so bad. But what could I do? Nothing. I have no health insurance. I have no money. Welcome to America.
I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get out of bed. And another 15 minutes trying to open my front door. Where I sat in the silence of early morning. Praying to God. And hoping that the pain and fear would go away. I know something is wrong. This is not normal. I've worked in health care too long to let this fall at the wayside. And the feeling in my gut, that spoke louder than any other person could.
Sometime after 6AM, I called my Dad. I knew he would be up. He's always up early. Just to talk. Maybe talking about nothing at all, maybe that would take my mind off of things. No, it didn't help. The only thing I could get him to talk about was the donut he was eating. And sometime after 7AM, when my Mom woke up, I was still miserable. Add to all of this, the miserable cold I got from getting caught in the rain.
But my Mom and I had a good conversation. We talked about a lot of things. And she was in such a great mood. It helped to lighten my own mood. Not the same type of conversation that my Dad and I had early this morning. But I'm coming to realize, the only time he has any kind of a real conversation with me, is when they fight...
So I went on with my day. I managed to drive myself to the library. I needed to get on the computer for school related things. Never mind that I have a laptop at home. But I have no internet access. And I need a new power cord...
I got some stuff done. But I couldn't finish it in the 1 hour they give you. That's right. You get 1 hour, of computer time, at your local library. Not much I could get done with 2 numb hands. So I headed to work. In pain. I still couldn't feel my hands and arms. And it was becoming difficult to breathe. I Thanked God that J wasn't home. That's all I needed. Was to be lectured by him, because I was feeling so bad and needed to go to the hospital.
From 9:30AM-5:30PM I worked. I locked myself in my office, and I finished all the paperwork for the guys. They're leaving early in the morning. Headed to the next job. I started payroll. And I had a million and a half things to do. Let's not get started on the fact that I couldn't feel my hands. And I've been panicked about that ALL DAY LONG!
I missed my session. And I got the usual call to my cellphone. Which I ignored. Guaranteed Dr. D. was at my front door knocking away. But I had to get through work. And honestly, I was in no mood to deal with all my crap today. I had already called to cancel. Guaranteed, he didn't believe me. So I call my parents when I get home.
I should have known when they didn't answer, that something was up. Because I can always reach them between 5-7PM. ALWAYS! Because they're usually eating dinner, or just finishing dinner, or having dessert. They're like that. On a schedule. But nothing. Not after the 3rd time I called on Dad's cellphone. Not on Mom's phone. Not another 5 times on Dad's. I knew something was up...
Oh ya, the crap really hit the fan tonight. I don't know what started it. Nor do I care. But honestly, I swear to God. If my husband ever told me the things my Dad has, I'd beat the man senseless. I'm not trying to be mean here. But there are certain things, that you should never hear about your parents. EVER! I don't care how mad the other is.
But that is what happened when my Dad called me at almost 6:30PM. I don't know how to put it. But it's time. It's time for them to walk away. There's nothing left there. No respect, no trust, and I'm doubting any love...
It saddens me. But if it will bring peace of mind to the 3 of us, it's time. It really is time. How many times can my Dad imagine things happening? How many times can he put HIS kids in front of my Mom? Hell, he tries to do that with me. I just don't let him. How many truly hurtful things can they say to each other?
That right there, that is the sole reason I run from relationships. I know it. No one has to tell me. I know this. For 27 years, I've heard the same fights. Seen the same things happen. And I usually sweep in, and fix things. But you know what? My own life is going up in flames. And I can't be there to fix them. I'm trying to save myself.
I happened to mention my brother. Oh, that really pissed my Dad off. But how many times can I tell him, he is a big part, of the current problems. How can a man, that is older than my Mom, live with them? Does my Dad really think it was going to be OK? My brother doesn't respect my Mom or me. That's why I've avoided going home. Yes, I used to go home a lot more often. For a week or 2 in the summer. But how can I now? Oh ya, in front of my Dad he acts like this saint of a son and brother. But he's not!
And the neighbors, my Dad doesn't want to know the real reasons why they won't talk to them. The neighbor across the street approached me about my brother. What was I supposed to do? Lie? I just didn't say anything. They showed me the papers they got. But whatever. "We're" not supposed to talk about it.
There are so many things going on. And when I mentioned to my Dad that perhaps my parents should see a counselor. Or maybe each of them talk to a friend. Forget it. He didn't like it. But how in the world, does he think, it's OK to throw all of this crap on top of me? I see a counselor and a psychologist. Just trying to deal with this. All of it! I'm not embarrassed to admit it. Sometimes, we just have to admit what's wrong. It's the only way we're ever going to fix it.
Can I tell you something? I've had a horrible day today. Just plain out horrible. I've never in my life had this kind of pain. Not even after my surgery. Never. Ever. And I've never struggled to breathe this much in my entire life! But I can't afford to go to the doctor. I don't even want to think about what it would cost to go to the ER. And I've never, ever in my life, felt like I've needed to go more that I do today.
And on top of that, I was supposed to go talk to Dr. S. tonight. There is no way I'm going now. I'm late. Seriously late. After my Dad and I got off the phone, I was way too emotional. And already 45 minutes late! Dr. S. was probably planning to just yell at me anyone. Because no one can understand that I seriously can't afford school anymore. I'm broke. And my job is just not cutting it anymore...
Do you know that my life is in absolute ruins at the moment? I feel like I'm in free fall. And nobody, not a single soul, could give a damn! That's my life. I can rely more on my friends than I can on my family. It's just fact. They're so wrapped up, in drama that they create for themselves, that I'm left flapping in the wind. It's always been this way!
And then my Dad has the nerve to tell me that he wishes he would just die. He wants to die right now. Are you freaking serious? He absolutely has no clue. None whatsoever. And here I am. His daughter. His youngest daughter. Over 3 hours away, I can't feel my 2 appendages, I'm struggling to breathe, and you tell me this. How on earth do you think, that is not going to bother me?
I swear to God, I can't win for trying. Not in anything in life. Not in trying to talk to my Dad. Not in music. Because he didn't want me to have a career in it. Never mind that I made more money playing birthday parties, than I ever did at the hospital. I enjoyed it. And I was at least able to afford school and food at the same time. It never mattered to anyone that I nearly killed myself trying to work and go to school. That at one point, I was malnourished. Because I was trying to pay for school. And I honestly couldn't afford food.
Never mind that I've had to walk away from the only thing that was keeping me afloat...my internship. Even with all the violence I had to endure, being held at gunpoint and all, that was all I had. An internship where I felt useful and productive. I'm scrapping what little money I have, just to pay for tuition. I know I'm going to have to do without books. I picked up an application for the National Guard yesterday. That's how desperate I am.
But nothing matters. It doesn't matter that I've been on the Dean's List since I started college. Or that I have a 4.0 GPA. None of that matters. Because people are too wrapped up in their own lives. All my Dad can ever see is, this child that is his daughter. And why in hell can't I graduate already. I feel like a failure in his eyes. I always have. No matter how hard I try.
My brother is so freaking paranoid that I'm going to walk away with everything, that he had the nerve to put me down when I left last week. I almost told my Dad. ALMOST! I was so close to telling him just what my brother said. Because he always waits until no one is around. Grow a pair. Be a man, and say what is on your mind in front of our Dad. If you have the guts to tell me, tell him too! Are you honestly going to tell me crap about bringing home groceries? Because Lord help me, my parents bought me some food. Free willed. I never told them that they had too. Or that I needed it.
This while he stays in their home. It's been almost 7 months. He doesn't buy food. All summer that I've gone, he wasn't working. But he feels like he has the right to tell me something about my groceries? Oh, bull crap! Do you even know how to clean the bathroom you use? Can you offer to do the dishes after I cook? No. You eat, and you run to your girlfriend.
Do you know that soon after he moved in with them, he said something to me? Ya. Something very hurtful. Something that made me refuse to go to the store with my parents. Something that stuck in my head. That had me avoiding my parents' house. I wouldn't let them buy me a loaf of bread. I hardly went to visit them for a long time. Then when I would go, I would avoid being at the house. I'd go to the library during the day. And the office at night. Because of what he said. But our Dad never knew the truth...
Then sometime during the summer, I said to hell with him. If he gets to live there for free, and eat for free...who is he to tell me anything, when my parents buy me some groceries? So when my parents wanted to take a road trip, I was game for it. Or if they felt like buying me some groceries or a couple of shirts, I figured, it was THEIR BUSINESS. NOT HIS! It's not like I'm running off with THEIR money. Or only going to see them for food, trips, and shopping. I go to see them. BOTH of my parents. Because I think he forgets that MY MOM is just as important as OUR DAD! I still only eat 1 meal a day. And a little something when I take my medication. I still live off of very little money. But I do this on my own. Can he say the same?
But that is what I'm dealing with. I just pray to God that he helps my parents. They need all the prayers they can get. Whether it's time for them to part ways or not. Maybe they shouldn't have listened to their 5 year old daughter, 22 years ago. The daughter that begged them to get married...
And I also prayed to God, that if there is something serious wrong with me, just to take me. I can't handle this much longer. The pain. Both physical and emotional. I'm sitting here an empty shell. Unable to let anyone love me. I can't trust. And I'm starting to lose faith in this game we call life. I really have no faith in people. Not Mr. Blue Eyes who wants nothing more than to help me heal. And to love me. Not the Cowboy who makes me smile, with the sound of his voice. Not Sanchocito who I really thought I could let in. And most certainly not J. The man who would do anything for me. But I can't.
These are my friends. What they don't realize is the hurt and the pain I've lived through. My inability to trust anyone. Or to truly believe that someone can love you without, expecting something from you. Or hurting you. I'm so afraid of being hurt. But honestly, how much worse can it get? This horrible secret that I've had stuck inside me, since I was 7 years old, I could never ever tell my parents. I would never know how to begin...
Let's be real. They have enough going on. And maybe I was only sent to earth to try and make peace of their lives. I don't know. I sit and ask God every single day to give me strength. To help me along. But at this point, not only is the world fighting against me. My own body is turning on itself.
I don't know how much more I can take. I really wish Memo or O was here. I need someone to just listen to me. To reassure me that I'm going to make it until tomorrow. Because I'm really not sure. Everything hurts. My heart, my head, my soul. Physical pain. Emotion pain. Mental pain.
People see me. They really think I have it all together. How else would they trust me with their kids? What else would motivate people to ask me to be their kids' Godmother, or their Madrina for their wedding? I'm not sure. I want to be as strong as people think I am. I'm just not sure that I am. Or that I have the ability anymore.
I've always said there is a lot of fight inside of me. But when there is nothing left. And you're an empty shell, where do you dig for what you need to survive? I'm at that point. I want to call someone to talk to. But the only person that comes to mind, he has enough on his plate. A serious illness that has returned. And do I really want to burden him with all of this? Do I want him to see this disastrous side of my life? The side that makes me not believe in love or in people.
At this point, I know I'm in the world alone. I know that for a fact. After today, that was made blatantly clear. From a parent that felt his emotional needs were greater than my physical ones, to the loss in humanity as a whole. I wipe away the tears, I try to gather strength, and I pray to God that he gives me another day to live. No matter how hard you work, life is nothing more than a dog fight. ♥
I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get out of bed. And another 15 minutes trying to open my front door. Where I sat in the silence of early morning. Praying to God. And hoping that the pain and fear would go away. I know something is wrong. This is not normal. I've worked in health care too long to let this fall at the wayside. And the feeling in my gut, that spoke louder than any other person could.
Sometime after 6AM, I called my Dad. I knew he would be up. He's always up early. Just to talk. Maybe talking about nothing at all, maybe that would take my mind off of things. No, it didn't help. The only thing I could get him to talk about was the donut he was eating. And sometime after 7AM, when my Mom woke up, I was still miserable. Add to all of this, the miserable cold I got from getting caught in the rain.
But my Mom and I had a good conversation. We talked about a lot of things. And she was in such a great mood. It helped to lighten my own mood. Not the same type of conversation that my Dad and I had early this morning. But I'm coming to realize, the only time he has any kind of a real conversation with me, is when they fight...
So I went on with my day. I managed to drive myself to the library. I needed to get on the computer for school related things. Never mind that I have a laptop at home. But I have no internet access. And I need a new power cord...
I got some stuff done. But I couldn't finish it in the 1 hour they give you. That's right. You get 1 hour, of computer time, at your local library. Not much I could get done with 2 numb hands. So I headed to work. In pain. I still couldn't feel my hands and arms. And it was becoming difficult to breathe. I Thanked God that J wasn't home. That's all I needed. Was to be lectured by him, because I was feeling so bad and needed to go to the hospital.
From 9:30AM-5:30PM I worked. I locked myself in my office, and I finished all the paperwork for the guys. They're leaving early in the morning. Headed to the next job. I started payroll. And I had a million and a half things to do. Let's not get started on the fact that I couldn't feel my hands. And I've been panicked about that ALL DAY LONG!
I missed my session. And I got the usual call to my cellphone. Which I ignored. Guaranteed Dr. D. was at my front door knocking away. But I had to get through work. And honestly, I was in no mood to deal with all my crap today. I had already called to cancel. Guaranteed, he didn't believe me. So I call my parents when I get home.
I should have known when they didn't answer, that something was up. Because I can always reach them between 5-7PM. ALWAYS! Because they're usually eating dinner, or just finishing dinner, or having dessert. They're like that. On a schedule. But nothing. Not after the 3rd time I called on Dad's cellphone. Not on Mom's phone. Not another 5 times on Dad's. I knew something was up...
Oh ya, the crap really hit the fan tonight. I don't know what started it. Nor do I care. But honestly, I swear to God. If my husband ever told me the things my Dad has, I'd beat the man senseless. I'm not trying to be mean here. But there are certain things, that you should never hear about your parents. EVER! I don't care how mad the other is.
But that is what happened when my Dad called me at almost 6:30PM. I don't know how to put it. But it's time. It's time for them to walk away. There's nothing left there. No respect, no trust, and I'm doubting any love...
It saddens me. But if it will bring peace of mind to the 3 of us, it's time. It really is time. How many times can my Dad imagine things happening? How many times can he put HIS kids in front of my Mom? Hell, he tries to do that with me. I just don't let him. How many truly hurtful things can they say to each other?
That right there, that is the sole reason I run from relationships. I know it. No one has to tell me. I know this. For 27 years, I've heard the same fights. Seen the same things happen. And I usually sweep in, and fix things. But you know what? My own life is going up in flames. And I can't be there to fix them. I'm trying to save myself.
I happened to mention my brother. Oh, that really pissed my Dad off. But how many times can I tell him, he is a big part, of the current problems. How can a man, that is older than my Mom, live with them? Does my Dad really think it was going to be OK? My brother doesn't respect my Mom or me. That's why I've avoided going home. Yes, I used to go home a lot more often. For a week or 2 in the summer. But how can I now? Oh ya, in front of my Dad he acts like this saint of a son and brother. But he's not!
And the neighbors, my Dad doesn't want to know the real reasons why they won't talk to them. The neighbor across the street approached me about my brother. What was I supposed to do? Lie? I just didn't say anything. They showed me the papers they got. But whatever. "We're" not supposed to talk about it.
There are so many things going on. And when I mentioned to my Dad that perhaps my parents should see a counselor. Or maybe each of them talk to a friend. Forget it. He didn't like it. But how in the world, does he think, it's OK to throw all of this crap on top of me? I see a counselor and a psychologist. Just trying to deal with this. All of it! I'm not embarrassed to admit it. Sometimes, we just have to admit what's wrong. It's the only way we're ever going to fix it.
Can I tell you something? I've had a horrible day today. Just plain out horrible. I've never in my life had this kind of pain. Not even after my surgery. Never. Ever. And I've never struggled to breathe this much in my entire life! But I can't afford to go to the doctor. I don't even want to think about what it would cost to go to the ER. And I've never, ever in my life, felt like I've needed to go more that I do today.
And on top of that, I was supposed to go talk to Dr. S. tonight. There is no way I'm going now. I'm late. Seriously late. After my Dad and I got off the phone, I was way too emotional. And already 45 minutes late! Dr. S. was probably planning to just yell at me anyone. Because no one can understand that I seriously can't afford school anymore. I'm broke. And my job is just not cutting it anymore...
Do you know that my life is in absolute ruins at the moment? I feel like I'm in free fall. And nobody, not a single soul, could give a damn! That's my life. I can rely more on my friends than I can on my family. It's just fact. They're so wrapped up, in drama that they create for themselves, that I'm left flapping in the wind. It's always been this way!
And then my Dad has the nerve to tell me that he wishes he would just die. He wants to die right now. Are you freaking serious? He absolutely has no clue. None whatsoever. And here I am. His daughter. His youngest daughter. Over 3 hours away, I can't feel my 2 appendages, I'm struggling to breathe, and you tell me this. How on earth do you think, that is not going to bother me?
I swear to God, I can't win for trying. Not in anything in life. Not in trying to talk to my Dad. Not in music. Because he didn't want me to have a career in it. Never mind that I made more money playing birthday parties, than I ever did at the hospital. I enjoyed it. And I was at least able to afford school and food at the same time. It never mattered to anyone that I nearly killed myself trying to work and go to school. That at one point, I was malnourished. Because I was trying to pay for school. And I honestly couldn't afford food.
Never mind that I've had to walk away from the only thing that was keeping me afloat...my internship. Even with all the violence I had to endure, being held at gunpoint and all, that was all I had. An internship where I felt useful and productive. I'm scrapping what little money I have, just to pay for tuition. I know I'm going to have to do without books. I picked up an application for the National Guard yesterday. That's how desperate I am.
But nothing matters. It doesn't matter that I've been on the Dean's List since I started college. Or that I have a 4.0 GPA. None of that matters. Because people are too wrapped up in their own lives. All my Dad can ever see is, this child that is his daughter. And why in hell can't I graduate already. I feel like a failure in his eyes. I always have. No matter how hard I try.
My brother is so freaking paranoid that I'm going to walk away with everything, that he had the nerve to put me down when I left last week. I almost told my Dad. ALMOST! I was so close to telling him just what my brother said. Because he always waits until no one is around. Grow a pair. Be a man, and say what is on your mind in front of our Dad. If you have the guts to tell me, tell him too! Are you honestly going to tell me crap about bringing home groceries? Because Lord help me, my parents bought me some food. Free willed. I never told them that they had too. Or that I needed it.
This while he stays in their home. It's been almost 7 months. He doesn't buy food. All summer that I've gone, he wasn't working. But he feels like he has the right to tell me something about my groceries? Oh, bull crap! Do you even know how to clean the bathroom you use? Can you offer to do the dishes after I cook? No. You eat, and you run to your girlfriend.
Do you know that soon after he moved in with them, he said something to me? Ya. Something very hurtful. Something that made me refuse to go to the store with my parents. Something that stuck in my head. That had me avoiding my parents' house. I wouldn't let them buy me a loaf of bread. I hardly went to visit them for a long time. Then when I would go, I would avoid being at the house. I'd go to the library during the day. And the office at night. Because of what he said. But our Dad never knew the truth...
Then sometime during the summer, I said to hell with him. If he gets to live there for free, and eat for free...who is he to tell me anything, when my parents buy me some groceries? So when my parents wanted to take a road trip, I was game for it. Or if they felt like buying me some groceries or a couple of shirts, I figured, it was THEIR BUSINESS. NOT HIS! It's not like I'm running off with THEIR money. Or only going to see them for food, trips, and shopping. I go to see them. BOTH of my parents. Because I think he forgets that MY MOM is just as important as OUR DAD! I still only eat 1 meal a day. And a little something when I take my medication. I still live off of very little money. But I do this on my own. Can he say the same?
But that is what I'm dealing with. I just pray to God that he helps my parents. They need all the prayers they can get. Whether it's time for them to part ways or not. Maybe they shouldn't have listened to their 5 year old daughter, 22 years ago. The daughter that begged them to get married...
And I also prayed to God, that if there is something serious wrong with me, just to take me. I can't handle this much longer. The pain. Both physical and emotional. I'm sitting here an empty shell. Unable to let anyone love me. I can't trust. And I'm starting to lose faith in this game we call life. I really have no faith in people. Not Mr. Blue Eyes who wants nothing more than to help me heal. And to love me. Not the Cowboy who makes me smile, with the sound of his voice. Not Sanchocito who I really thought I could let in. And most certainly not J. The man who would do anything for me. But I can't.
These are my friends. What they don't realize is the hurt and the pain I've lived through. My inability to trust anyone. Or to truly believe that someone can love you without, expecting something from you. Or hurting you. I'm so afraid of being hurt. But honestly, how much worse can it get? This horrible secret that I've had stuck inside me, since I was 7 years old, I could never ever tell my parents. I would never know how to begin...
Let's be real. They have enough going on. And maybe I was only sent to earth to try and make peace of their lives. I don't know. I sit and ask God every single day to give me strength. To help me along. But at this point, not only is the world fighting against me. My own body is turning on itself.
I don't know how much more I can take. I really wish Memo or O was here. I need someone to just listen to me. To reassure me that I'm going to make it until tomorrow. Because I'm really not sure. Everything hurts. My heart, my head, my soul. Physical pain. Emotion pain. Mental pain.
People see me. They really think I have it all together. How else would they trust me with their kids? What else would motivate people to ask me to be their kids' Godmother, or their Madrina for their wedding? I'm not sure. I want to be as strong as people think I am. I'm just not sure that I am. Or that I have the ability anymore.
I've always said there is a lot of fight inside of me. But when there is nothing left. And you're an empty shell, where do you dig for what you need to survive? I'm at that point. I want to call someone to talk to. But the only person that comes to mind, he has enough on his plate. A serious illness that has returned. And do I really want to burden him with all of this? Do I want him to see this disastrous side of my life? The side that makes me not believe in love or in people.
At this point, I know I'm in the world alone. I know that for a fact. After today, that was made blatantly clear. From a parent that felt his emotional needs were greater than my physical ones, to the loss in humanity as a whole. I wipe away the tears, I try to gather strength, and I pray to God that he gives me another day to live. No matter how hard you work, life is nothing more than a dog fight. ♥
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
1 in 8
Well, my mission for the day was to find textbooks. I didn't find what I needed. Looks like I'm going to go without books for the semester. I just can't imagine spending $300 on books that I will only use for 4 months. And for classes I would not be taking, if I had the money to continue with my internship. So there you go.
I was starving. Mostly because I didn't eat breakfast this morning. And I spent a little longer than I had planned to, looking for my books. I wanted to stop at Carnita's Queretaro or even Taco Cabana. But I have no money. Seriously, I have $4 something in my wallet. And what I have in the bank needs to go to school. Same song...different verse.
So I made the hour trip home. And made myself a sandwich. And most people would be pretty upset. But I was grateful to have bread, cheese, and some turkey. No lie! There have been times when I had no food. Nothing in the freezer, refrigerator, or pantry. And I was hungry. There were a few times when I went to the local soup kitchen. And I was very grateful for this.
I work(ed) for the DOH. And I saw many people barely making it. On food stamps, WIC, and still needing to go to the local Food Banks. These people would break my hearts. Especially the small children. But they got some help. I never could. Because I own "too much" property for a single person. At least in the government's opinion. Um, I have a house. And I'm single. But it doesn't mean that I don't struggle too.
I learned about "Food Insecurity" in school. Being that I study nutrition, public health, mental health, pre-med, and fitness you learn about these things. I still remember that day. My professor was talking about it like it was just common knowledge. This was in 2005. 1 in 8 people were "Food Insecure" for 3/4 of the month. Meaning, they can't afford food. And have no way of getting it. The really sad part is, now it's more like 1 in 6 Americans are in need of food. In 1 year, it rose from 1 in 8, to 1 in 6. In my state, it's 1 in 3.
Immediately, I thought to myself, that's me. It really was. And still is. My parents would kill me if they knew. But I'm 27 years old. In college. And work a part time job. My money goes to overpriced tuition and books. And some stuff for my health. It's just life. And it really saddens me. But guaranteed, if people saw me in real life, they'd never have a clue that I am "Food Insecure."
I love to cook! And to be able to share with my friends and family. But there have been nights when I have gone to bed hungry. Now, I'm just grateful when I open the cabinet and see a small box of pasta and a can of tomatoes. I'm not looking for sympathy. But to share some knowledge with you. I hope you took the time to click on those 4 links.
Don't judge people for what you see. You sincerely need to walk a day in their shoes. See what their life is really about. On the outside, I'm sure people think I have it all together. But when you see me, there is a lot more going on. Think about your 8 closest friends. Can you figure out which one is suffering silently? ♥
I was starving. Mostly because I didn't eat breakfast this morning. And I spent a little longer than I had planned to, looking for my books. I wanted to stop at Carnita's Queretaro or even Taco Cabana. But I have no money. Seriously, I have $4 something in my wallet. And what I have in the bank needs to go to school. Same song...different verse.
So I made the hour trip home. And made myself a sandwich. And most people would be pretty upset. But I was grateful to have bread, cheese, and some turkey. No lie! There have been times when I had no food. Nothing in the freezer, refrigerator, or pantry. And I was hungry. There were a few times when I went to the local soup kitchen. And I was very grateful for this.
I work(ed) for the DOH. And I saw many people barely making it. On food stamps, WIC, and still needing to go to the local Food Banks. These people would break my hearts. Especially the small children. But they got some help. I never could. Because I own "too much" property for a single person. At least in the government's opinion. Um, I have a house. And I'm single. But it doesn't mean that I don't struggle too.
I learned about "Food Insecurity" in school. Being that I study nutrition, public health, mental health, pre-med, and fitness you learn about these things. I still remember that day. My professor was talking about it like it was just common knowledge. This was in 2005. 1 in 8 people were "Food Insecure" for 3/4 of the month. Meaning, they can't afford food. And have no way of getting it. The really sad part is, now it's more like 1 in 6 Americans are in need of food. In 1 year, it rose from 1 in 8, to 1 in 6. In my state, it's 1 in 3.
Immediately, I thought to myself, that's me. It really was. And still is. My parents would kill me if they knew. But I'm 27 years old. In college. And work a part time job. My money goes to overpriced tuition and books. And some stuff for my health. It's just life. And it really saddens me. But guaranteed, if people saw me in real life, they'd never have a clue that I am "Food Insecure."
I love to cook! And to be able to share with my friends and family. But there have been nights when I have gone to bed hungry. Now, I'm just grateful when I open the cabinet and see a small box of pasta and a can of tomatoes. I'm not looking for sympathy. But to share some knowledge with you. I hope you took the time to click on those 4 links.
Don't judge people for what you see. You sincerely need to walk a day in their shoes. See what their life is really about. On the outside, I'm sure people think I have it all together. But when you see me, there is a lot more going on. Think about your 8 closest friends. Can you figure out which one is suffering silently? ♥
Much Needed Inspiration
I needed something to make me smile today. I've been having a rough couple of weeks. The last few days haven't been so kind either. So this morning, I decided to watch some YouTube videos.
And as always, Carly never disappoints! Her makeup looks are so amazing! And her voice is so calming. The perfect way to start my day. And now, I'm feeling a little inspired to actually do my makeup. Lately, taking a shower is about all I've wanted to do in terms of getting ready.
Makeup, hair, etc...I'm not really feeling it. Between the rain and the heat, I just don't want to deal with all the problems. My morning routine has been to shower, comb through my hair, and put it into a bun. I manage some moisturizer with SPF, and a simple t-shirt and jean look. You know, when you have no place to go, it's a little depressing.
But Carly, she has given me a shot of inspiration. I feel like putting in the extra time and energy. Besides, I need to head south. I'm on a mission to find my textbooks at the Used Bookstore. I refuse to buy them new. Because I shouldn't even be taking these classes. So I might go without books. But right now I need to go get ready for the day. ♥
Monday, July 12, 2010
Post Internship, Day 2
Today was another one of those days. You know, were I had no idea what to do. Think about yesterday, just worse...
I had nothing really planned. And I started my day with looking for a job. I put in 5 applications. And all I can do is pray. Because there are so many people looking for a job right now. Especially in this tiny town!
I came home and had some leftover spaghetti. Which was yummy! And I called my parents. Who seemed happy. Which was nice. Because things have been stressful. You know, my brother and all. Anyway, my brother went to the BINGO last night. And he won. $1100. Who knows what he's going to do with it. Probably waste it away. But whatever. How do some people have all the luck. Not even a month ago, he won almost $400 playing the slots. But you know how that goes...
Anyway, yesterdays weather spoiled me a bit. And today I paid dearly for it. It was so HOT! Especially in my house. I couldn't take it. Turns out, it was 90 something today. And still 10 degrees below are normal. Yes, we should have been at least 107 degrees today. I hope tomorrow is not that HOT!
But I knew I needed to tackle the yard. You know, the rain only brings weeds. And I needed to get those under control. I decided to work on my front yard. Since it's under the pecan trees. And well, mushrooms have invaded! And they're tearing up my yard! The little bit of grass is just getting eaten by these mushrooms. They were not there yesterday! How did this happen?
So I pulled and pulled. Weeds and mushrooms. 2 bags full! And I tried to give my flowers some TLC. I'm really starting to lose hope in my flowers. They just won't bloom. It's been too hot. But I did get some flowers and plants together for my Mom. I promised to take her some when I go home. :)
After almost passing out, I decided to stop. You know, get some water and catch my breath. I realized I was bright red. And I was probably overdoing it. I thought about dinner. Then figured it was too hot to eat. I skipped dinner again. I know. But that's how it goes sometimes.
I tried to catch up on some important things. I collected my laundry. And packed. I'm going to see my parents tomorrow. Just for a couple of days. But now, I'm ready. And around 6PM, I decided to try my hand at yard work again. It was a lot cooler.
I was doing good. Pulling those pesky little weeds that grow along my fence. Picking up all the trash that was caught up in my fence. Watering my little seedlings and checking on my plants. It was going well. Until I decided to get some water. I locked myself out of my house! Seriously, this is a HUGE issue. I guess I could have gone to Memo's or J's house. But I figured they weren't home.
So I attempted to break into my house. Which is tough! I have those steel sash, crank windows from like the 40s/50s. And well, everything was closed up. Except, my kitchen windows. Which are inside my screened in, locked porch. Ugh! But I managed. My neighbors' dogs were going nuts. But I found a small piece of wire. And I managed to get into the porch. Then, I managed to get the screen of one of the windows. It was so hard! But thankfully, I hadn't put it back on right yesterday. When I had cleaned them. A good thing. I was able to climb up the wall, thank goodness for my rickety old outside chair, and I squeezed through a window that had a very small opening. My window was only opened about halfway. And wouldn't open any further. Because I had it locked. Total time, 2 hours! I could have kicked myself for that.
I managed to get everything locked down again. Made sure things were in order. And decided to sit outside with my water. It was nearly 9PM, but so HOT still! As I was watering some plants in my front porch, a small SUV stopped at the stop sign. In front of my neighbor's house. I could hear some yelling, but tried to ignore it. Wrong move people! The lady, who was driving, through the man out! With his case of beer. All was very strange. But I sat there and watched.
He walked across the street, to my side of the street. Beer in tote. Mumbling to himself. And the lady drove off. Not sure what was going on. He walked down the street. And I kinda forgot about him. Until, I decided to load some stuff into my car for tomorrow. I saw him sitting, 2 houses down, in the front yard. Talking to the lady neighbor. He was clearly upset.
I packed up. And I could sorta hear them. Not what they were saying, but their tone of voice. I felt bad for the guy. But I had no clue what was going on. Again, I went to sit in my front porch and just relax. It was finally cooling down. Then my neighbor got home. And there was all sorts of yelling. I think the 2 men are related somehow. But I don't know how.
The small guy (beer guy) was asking my neighbor (Big Daddy-that's his business name) a question. And before I knew it they were yelling at each other. In the middle of the street, right in front of my house. I didn't want to get up. Because I knew they couldn't see me. But if I got up, they would hear me. I prayed it would be over soon.
And before I knew it, Big Daddy was bumping his stomach into Beer Guy. Beer Guy was trying to walk away, but Big Daddy wouldn't let him. Then, fist hit face. With a loud bang! Big Daddy really has a mean punch! Something for me to remember...
Before I knew it, Beer Guy took off running. And Big Daddy was screaming at our good neighbor to call the cops. Well, he comes Good Neighbor, in his little truck. And they take off to look for Beer Guy. Around this time, I remember I need to put a few more things in my car. And as that is happening, I see Beer Guy running down another street. The guys in the truck, nowhere to be seen. The lady, still sitting in her front yard.
Then the guys return, take off in 2 trucks and can't find Beer Guy. Before I know it, the cops are in front of Big Daddy's house. Taking the report from his wife. Big Daddy nowhere to be seen. Turns out, Beer Guy left his case of beer (40 pack?-I don't know the proper beer terminology) and had her cell phone. Because the fight just sorta happened.
Good neighbor came home. Parked his truck and went inside. That was just a few minutes ago. Big Daddy? Well he just got home too. Now he's talking to the cops. I remember, not too long ago, this was a very quiet neighborhood. Now this. I just don't know what to say.
But that was my day. Post internship, day 2. I'm usually not home a lot. So I'm learning a lot about my neighbors. Like my neighbor next door, he's selling all his furniture. And I'm watching the news. A shootout in my hometown today. The shooter also kills himself. There was a shootout across the border, and a drug related cartel accident on the bridge. 2nd in just 3 days. It's crazy people! But I guess this is my life now. ♥
I had nothing really planned. And I started my day with looking for a job. I put in 5 applications. And all I can do is pray. Because there are so many people looking for a job right now. Especially in this tiny town!
I came home and had some leftover spaghetti. Which was yummy! And I called my parents. Who seemed happy. Which was nice. Because things have been stressful. You know, my brother and all. Anyway, my brother went to the BINGO last night. And he won. $1100. Who knows what he's going to do with it. Probably waste it away. But whatever. How do some people have all the luck. Not even a month ago, he won almost $400 playing the slots. But you know how that goes...
Anyway, yesterdays weather spoiled me a bit. And today I paid dearly for it. It was so HOT! Especially in my house. I couldn't take it. Turns out, it was 90 something today. And still 10 degrees below are normal. Yes, we should have been at least 107 degrees today. I hope tomorrow is not that HOT!
But I knew I needed to tackle the yard. You know, the rain only brings weeds. And I needed to get those under control. I decided to work on my front yard. Since it's under the pecan trees. And well, mushrooms have invaded! And they're tearing up my yard! The little bit of grass is just getting eaten by these mushrooms. They were not there yesterday! How did this happen?
So I pulled and pulled. Weeds and mushrooms. 2 bags full! And I tried to give my flowers some TLC. I'm really starting to lose hope in my flowers. They just won't bloom. It's been too hot. But I did get some flowers and plants together for my Mom. I promised to take her some when I go home. :)
After almost passing out, I decided to stop. You know, get some water and catch my breath. I realized I was bright red. And I was probably overdoing it. I thought about dinner. Then figured it was too hot to eat. I skipped dinner again. I know. But that's how it goes sometimes.
I tried to catch up on some important things. I collected my laundry. And packed. I'm going to see my parents tomorrow. Just for a couple of days. But now, I'm ready. And around 6PM, I decided to try my hand at yard work again. It was a lot cooler.
I was doing good. Pulling those pesky little weeds that grow along my fence. Picking up all the trash that was caught up in my fence. Watering my little seedlings and checking on my plants. It was going well. Until I decided to get some water. I locked myself out of my house! Seriously, this is a HUGE issue. I guess I could have gone to Memo's or J's house. But I figured they weren't home.
So I attempted to break into my house. Which is tough! I have those steel sash, crank windows from like the 40s/50s. And well, everything was closed up. Except, my kitchen windows. Which are inside my screened in, locked porch. Ugh! But I managed. My neighbors' dogs were going nuts. But I found a small piece of wire. And I managed to get into the porch. Then, I managed to get the screen of one of the windows. It was so hard! But thankfully, I hadn't put it back on right yesterday. When I had cleaned them. A good thing. I was able to climb up the wall, thank goodness for my rickety old outside chair, and I squeezed through a window that had a very small opening. My window was only opened about halfway. And wouldn't open any further. Because I had it locked. Total time, 2 hours! I could have kicked myself for that.
I managed to get everything locked down again. Made sure things were in order. And decided to sit outside with my water. It was nearly 9PM, but so HOT still! As I was watering some plants in my front porch, a small SUV stopped at the stop sign. In front of my neighbor's house. I could hear some yelling, but tried to ignore it. Wrong move people! The lady, who was driving, through the man out! With his case of beer. All was very strange. But I sat there and watched.
He walked across the street, to my side of the street. Beer in tote. Mumbling to himself. And the lady drove off. Not sure what was going on. He walked down the street. And I kinda forgot about him. Until, I decided to load some stuff into my car for tomorrow. I saw him sitting, 2 houses down, in the front yard. Talking to the lady neighbor. He was clearly upset.
I packed up. And I could sorta hear them. Not what they were saying, but their tone of voice. I felt bad for the guy. But I had no clue what was going on. Again, I went to sit in my front porch and just relax. It was finally cooling down. Then my neighbor got home. And there was all sorts of yelling. I think the 2 men are related somehow. But I don't know how.
The small guy (beer guy) was asking my neighbor (Big Daddy-that's his business name) a question. And before I knew it they were yelling at each other. In the middle of the street, right in front of my house. I didn't want to get up. Because I knew they couldn't see me. But if I got up, they would hear me. I prayed it would be over soon.
And before I knew it, Big Daddy was bumping his stomach into Beer Guy. Beer Guy was trying to walk away, but Big Daddy wouldn't let him. Then, fist hit face. With a loud bang! Big Daddy really has a mean punch! Something for me to remember...
Before I knew it, Beer Guy took off running. And Big Daddy was screaming at our good neighbor to call the cops. Well, he comes Good Neighbor, in his little truck. And they take off to look for Beer Guy. Around this time, I remember I need to put a few more things in my car. And as that is happening, I see Beer Guy running down another street. The guys in the truck, nowhere to be seen. The lady, still sitting in her front yard.
Then the guys return, take off in 2 trucks and can't find Beer Guy. Before I know it, the cops are in front of Big Daddy's house. Taking the report from his wife. Big Daddy nowhere to be seen. Turns out, Beer Guy left his case of beer (40 pack?-I don't know the proper beer terminology) and had her cell phone. Because the fight just sorta happened.
Good neighbor came home. Parked his truck and went inside. That was just a few minutes ago. Big Daddy? Well he just got home too. Now he's talking to the cops. I remember, not too long ago, this was a very quiet neighborhood. Now this. I just don't know what to say.
But that was my day. Post internship, day 2. I'm usually not home a lot. So I'm learning a lot about my neighbors. Like my neighbor next door, he's selling all his furniture. And I'm watching the news. A shootout in my hometown today. The shooter also kills himself. There was a shootout across the border, and a drug related cartel accident on the bridge. 2nd in just 3 days. It's crazy people! But I guess this is my life now. ♥
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