There's this man. I loved him. I love him. I'm not really sure if it's past or present. But in my heart, it feels like it's still there.
I've never thought of love as being complete. You hear women say it all the time, I'm looking for the man that completes me. I'm not. I need to complete me. I'm looking for the man that compliments the woman that I am, that challenges me to grow, that will help me to be a better person. That's what I'm looking for.
This man, he's an amazing man. Talented, hardworking, loving, caring, and so funny! From the same home state as me. But he grew up north of where I did. We share the same religion, passion for music, and love of life. But our dreams and hopes for the future, lead the two of us, on two very different roads.
He recently started a blog. And I'm not sure what to think of it. I know how he feels. I know how I feel. But does that make something like this logical? I'm not sure...
Yesterday morning, I watched this video, read this tweet, and read this blog post. It just made me think, I need to stick to my guns. He has a lot to prove to me. A lot to apologize for. And he needs to work on gaining my trust again. I didn't do anything wrong. And I'm not compromising who I am, because he suddenly woke up.
It's crazy. He was the person I went to for everything! We'd hangout at school. He'd bring me a peanut butter sandwich between classes. I would have class from 6AM-10PM. We'd talk about life. Things we wanted. How many kids we wanted. What we'd name them. Where we'd live. The fact that I want to stay home with my kids. And he always felt like he needed to be able to support a family on his own.
When things were really bad, I went to him. There were many nights, that he helped me out. Just listening. Helping me to work through one of the worst things that could ever happen to a young girl. Something that I had buried deep down inside. Never told anyone. To this day, the only 2 people I've told, are him and my counselor. And as a young adult, it came bubbling to the surface. He helped me through it. Encouraged me to get help. And to work on putting it behind me.
He was also the one I ran to when I lost my uncle. I cried. I held on to him like he was the sole reason I was alive. He reassured me. Held me tight let me cry. And arranged for me to get home for the services. In mere hours, I was on a cross country flight home.
This man, held my hand before surgery. Before a surgery that I didn't tell my parents about until 4 or 5 years later! He was there. Took care of me. Literally helped me do everything I needed to do for weeks after. Besides my mom and grandma, I don't think anyone else has ever washed my dirty clothes. But he did. And bought me groceries. Tried to cook. Carried me to and from my house to his truck. Drove 90 minutes my doctor's appointments and back again. He was there for me.
He knows more about me than any other single person on this planet. Everything! My deepest and darkest secrets. The horrible stuff that I endured as a kid. The loneliness I felt growing up. My insecurities. All of my accomplishments. My likes. My dreams. What makes my blood boil over. How to get me to fall asleep. He knows it all.
I never felt safer, more loved, or more comfortable than I did around him. His hugs, they were like a warm blanket, that wrapped around my soul. He made me toes curl with a single grin. And my heart race every time he sang. No place felt more safe, than tightly wrapped in his arms. Listening to his heart beat.
He was the one. We joked many, many times about getting married. At 19, I almost did. In "Sin City." We were working a gig. And as poor as they get. We had just realized, we could get some help with our tuition, if we got married. It would cost less than $100. We seriously considered it. But ended our night with a mini wedding cake instead. When he got the big job in Florida, he asked me to marry him again. For real this time. Ginormous diamond ring included. Down on one knee. Tears in his eyes. Arms held out. Because he loved me. And he wanted us to have a life together...
We talked about. About marriage, life, work, careers, moves, homes, and babies. But I knew he needed to chase after his dreams. He wanted to be a musician. And he had every right to do it. He worked hard for this job. I didn't want him to give it up for me. To one day regret not taking the job. And blaming it one me. I knew he had to go. And I knew that I needed to stay here. To work. To go to school. To accomplish all those things my parents wanted me to do.
So I stayed. He left. We tried to make it work. And it was going OK. Until he moved out of the country. And our lives really took different paths. Jealousy set in. Accusations started. The fighting began. The horrible fighting. I couldn't stand to hear his voice, much less see his face. Every single time we saw each other, it turned into WWIII. No lie!
And last summer, it was like the volcano erupted. Just everything the two of us had been holding in, came out. 6AM, in the middle of my front yard. I'd worked 4 days straight. Just drove into my driveway. And he had just gotten back from a tour. I knew in an instant, he had changed...
This wasn't the same man. He had hatred in his eyes. It was like his soul was empty. Missing something. The life, it wasn't shining through his eyes anymore. That, was the last time we talked. The very last time.
Because we have the same friends, work similar gigs, and well, have to see each other from time to time, we've become civil. Not that it's been easy. He did get punched out in a rehearsal. And was asked to leave. Not by me. But by our boss, and my friend. It was shocking. But real life. Slowly, we've begun to heal. We e-mail each other from time to time. But we haven't really talked.
A very close friend of ours, she wants us to talk. She sees both sides. She travels with him and her husband. She's one of my best friends. She really wants us to sit and talk about it. To work through this. We were the "Happy Little Couple." Everyone just expected that one day, we'd make it official. I'm not so sure anymore. But I would like my old friend back. Especially since, we still have to sing together. In less than a month, we're singing for a friend's wedding. Then a show 2 weeks after that.
But listening to the end of this video, reading this tweet, and reading Kandee's letter, it makes me think, I don't ever want to compromise my beliefs, values, and morals. I'm 27 years old. Successful. On my own. No man, and I mean NO MAN, owns me. I'm a person. Not a piece of property. And I deserve and expect to be treated with respect.
It's funny. So many men, they just want sex. That's it. Plain and simple. Being a female performer, I see this a lot. Guys think they're all that and a sack of potatoes. Throwing around cash. Acting like fools. Thinking that will get my attention. Funny how it doesn't. What you see on stage, that's a character. I get paid to be that person. When I leave the stage, I wash off the makeup, throw on a pair of sweats, and comb through my hair. The HUGE and oh so fancy hotel suites, well, I go back alone. To read, study for my classes, and to go to sleep. I'm really not that exciting.
He got that. He understood. I think he actually preferred me in sweats, no makeup, and my out of control hair. He never pressured me into anything. Just realized that I was me. And I had my own time table for things. Beliefs in life. For love.
The ring I wear on my left hand. It's more than a piece of jewelry. It means something to me. I don't care if I'm 27 or not. Or if people think I'm an "Old Maid." That doesn't matter to me. It's a ring I bought for myself. A promise I made to myself. Because one day, I'm going to find the right man for me. That loves, honors, and respects me, for the person I am. Maybe it will be him again. I don't know...
I guess, only time will tell. But I do know, I have to stay true to the woman that I am. I'm special. I'm the only person that is like me. No one else even comes close. Because God has made us all unique. Maybe I'm not right for this man. But there is someone out there. Someone that God made just for me. I just need to be patient. And I can never lose myself in other people. It hurts too much. And through these 3 very different women, I got the message. Loud and clear. I need to be true to me. Because in the end, it's just not worth it to lose yourself in a man. ♥
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
A Day of Mariachi
This is some of the beautiful music that I have the pleasure and privilege of playing today. I just love Mariachi music! It has a truly special place in my heart. The music is beautiful. I feel like I'm helping our culture to live a little longer every single time I play. Not to mention, I feel like I can bring a sense of pride to our heritage.
Almost 15 years ago, I started on this amazing path. It has not all been hearts and sugar pops. I had to work hard. Find a place I fit in. And a group that respected me. But it has been worth it. I get to play in Mariachi. One of my dreams in life. And I've met some of the most amazing people. People that will be in my life, for a lifetime. Friends that have become mi familia. I'm honored. And so glad God send me on this journey. :)
I really am honored to put on a traje and call myself a Mariachi. Today, I'm playing with my friends. Being with them, it just makes the day that much more amazing! And I can't wait to spend the day making beautiful music, meeting new people, and dancing with mis payasos! ♥
Friday, July 16, 2010
They Don't Get It
Sometimes, I'd like to scream. More because people don't get it. My 11th hour Hail Mary...well, it didn't come. And today, was the day I had my meeting, with all the people that are associated with my internship. And no one understands, I really want to stay in my internship. I just can't afford to.
It's black and white. No grey areas at all. I just can't afford it. I'm looking at close to $15,000 a semester. I'm carry pretty much all of it, on my own. Paid at the end of each semester. It's tough. And at times, it feels nearly impossible. I borrow from J a lot to make the last few payments. Or in the case of the last year, I've heavily depended on him. It's impossible for me to do this on my own anymore. In fact, it has reached impossible. My Dad just doesn't get it. Not at all. I sit and explain to him a thousand and one different ways. He still doesn't understand.
And my Dean, professors, internship advisors, and academic advisors, well, they don't get it either. I can barely handle tuition/books or internship/insurance. I just can't handle both anymore. And they just want me to get a loan. But I want to finish school without one. At least until I hit medical school. Because I know what the costs are going to be there. So there we are. In a hole.
I need my internship to take my classes. But I can't afford it. So I'm taking 2 classes in the Fall. Praying that a dietetic internship comes available before December. And I'm looking for a real PAYING job. Because I'm not making it. So 2 classes, no internship, and a paying job. That's my plan.
How in the world did I afford it before now? I worked. I worked in a band. A few bands. But 1 in particular, I made 99% of my money with. I busted my rear end, traveled, played and sang...and never spent the money. But now, the guys are getting married and having kids. Our band is more of a casual hobby. And I'm pretty much out of work. So I have no money.
My parents helped a little with tuition last Spring. But I was still carrying 85% of the costs. And now, well I have no money for books or tuition. So the internship is out the door. And it crushes my heart and soul. But what am I supposed to do? The only big assets I have are my house and my car. Both are pretty essential. All of my money that I saved since I was a baby, well it's tied up in CDs and bank accounts with my Dad. He doesn't think I need it...
It's beyond tough to walk away from your dream. Especially when so many people are pulling for you. And it's all you want to do. And I'm good at it! Damn good. But I can't do it. I need to work to continue with my internship, but my internship doesn't allow much time away from school and the hospital. It's a total Catch 22.
Today really sucks. My soul feels empty. And my heart is broken. I feel like I've let so many people down. But most importantly, I've let myself down. And then, my Dad yells at me. Seriously? I'm the only one trying to halfway make a better life for myself. Doing it on my own. And he has the nerve to yell at me? I just don't get it. So much for calling my parents this evening.
For now, I have to reassess things. Figure out what my next move is. Seriously contemplate if I should be in school or not. And I need to find a decent job. I don't mind scrubbing toilets and changing diapers. I just need a job that pays halfway decent. I've never really been a big spender. You can definitely tell from my house. I've been here for 9 years, I still don't have all the furniture I need. Heck, only 2 rooms have curtains. So you can see, I sacrifice. I'm just not sure if those sacrifices are paying off.
I need to go now. Wipe away my tears. Hope that my eyes don't continue to look blood shot. I'm working tonight with the Mariachi group. And I have to look nice. I really do hope my mood picks up a bit. Because I feel a lot like this weather...gloomy, dark, and rainy. Not the best when you need to put on a show. But I'm hoping, at least my friends understand. And maybe they can help me to find the next road I need to take in life. ♥
It's black and white. No grey areas at all. I just can't afford it. I'm looking at close to $15,000 a semester. I'm carry pretty much all of it, on my own. Paid at the end of each semester. It's tough. And at times, it feels nearly impossible. I borrow from J a lot to make the last few payments. Or in the case of the last year, I've heavily depended on him. It's impossible for me to do this on my own anymore. In fact, it has reached impossible. My Dad just doesn't get it. Not at all. I sit and explain to him a thousand and one different ways. He still doesn't understand.
And my Dean, professors, internship advisors, and academic advisors, well, they don't get it either. I can barely handle tuition/books or internship/insurance. I just can't handle both anymore. And they just want me to get a loan. But I want to finish school without one. At least until I hit medical school. Because I know what the costs are going to be there. So there we are. In a hole.
I need my internship to take my classes. But I can't afford it. So I'm taking 2 classes in the Fall. Praying that a dietetic internship comes available before December. And I'm looking for a real PAYING job. Because I'm not making it. So 2 classes, no internship, and a paying job. That's my plan.
How in the world did I afford it before now? I worked. I worked in a band. A few bands. But 1 in particular, I made 99% of my money with. I busted my rear end, traveled, played and sang...and never spent the money. But now, the guys are getting married and having kids. Our band is more of a casual hobby. And I'm pretty much out of work. So I have no money.
My parents helped a little with tuition last Spring. But I was still carrying 85% of the costs. And now, well I have no money for books or tuition. So the internship is out the door. And it crushes my heart and soul. But what am I supposed to do? The only big assets I have are my house and my car. Both are pretty essential. All of my money that I saved since I was a baby, well it's tied up in CDs and bank accounts with my Dad. He doesn't think I need it...
It's beyond tough to walk away from your dream. Especially when so many people are pulling for you. And it's all you want to do. And I'm good at it! Damn good. But I can't do it. I need to work to continue with my internship, but my internship doesn't allow much time away from school and the hospital. It's a total Catch 22.
Today really sucks. My soul feels empty. And my heart is broken. I feel like I've let so many people down. But most importantly, I've let myself down. And then, my Dad yells at me. Seriously? I'm the only one trying to halfway make a better life for myself. Doing it on my own. And he has the nerve to yell at me? I just don't get it. So much for calling my parents this evening.
For now, I have to reassess things. Figure out what my next move is. Seriously contemplate if I should be in school or not. And I need to find a decent job. I don't mind scrubbing toilets and changing diapers. I just need a job that pays halfway decent. I've never really been a big spender. You can definitely tell from my house. I've been here for 9 years, I still don't have all the furniture I need. Heck, only 2 rooms have curtains. So you can see, I sacrifice. I'm just not sure if those sacrifices are paying off.
I need to go now. Wipe away my tears. Hope that my eyes don't continue to look blood shot. I'm working tonight with the Mariachi group. And I have to look nice. I really do hope my mood picks up a bit. Because I feel a lot like this weather...gloomy, dark, and rainy. Not the best when you need to put on a show. But I'm hoping, at least my friends understand. And maybe they can help me to find the next road I need to take in life. ♥
D Day
I feel sick to my stomach. Today is the day I sign my internship away. By Monday, it will be final. All the hard work, sacrifices, dreams, hopes, wishes, long shifts, sleepless nights...they're over. And it's tough for my to swallow. But I have to.
I need to put on my "Big Girl Panties" today. And I need to go have this talk with all these people I respect. Casually, my parents and I talked about it for 5 minutes before they went to breakfast this morning. My Mom gets it. She really understands the struggle I'm in. My Dad, he just doesn't understand. And no matter how many times I explain it, he just doesn't get it.
So here I am. Trying. Trying to hold it together. I have a 3 hours trip south. And a 4 hour meeting lined up. Not the way I wanted to start my weekend. But what can you do? I'm poor. And I need to come to terms with that. I hope they can too! Because the cost of my internship is eating me alive.
Until now, I relied heavily on myself. And my ability to line up gigs with the BBs. But at this point, I can see that it has become more and more of a hobby for the guys. But I still need the work. And as the economy continues to sink into the ground, I'm screwed even more.
It still surprises me that our student athletes gets so much scholarship money. While me, a Dean's List student, Crimson Scholar, and I have a 4.0 gets $50 a semester! How is that fair? I'm not sure. And our athletic programs are not even very good. There you go. That's what our education system has come to.
My parents, I'm sure they'd like to help. But honestly, they have a business that they need to take care of. And I know how much it costs them. I also know that between May and September, it's the toughest time of year for them. So I'm not going to go to them for the money. I'd feel like I was an inch high. Literally taking money from them.
So here I am. No money. No help. And needing $4000 by Monday. I guess I'm praying for a Hail Mary. Knowing that there's not one in sight. But hoping against all odds that I get to continue in my field. Because honestly, it's all I have in my life. I have no family (besides my parents), I don't have many hobbies, or much of anything. My work and school, they're my life. And I just know, it will break my entire spirit if I had to leave. ♥
I need to put on my "Big Girl Panties" today. And I need to go have this talk with all these people I respect. Casually, my parents and I talked about it for 5 minutes before they went to breakfast this morning. My Mom gets it. She really understands the struggle I'm in. My Dad, he just doesn't understand. And no matter how many times I explain it, he just doesn't get it.
So here I am. Trying. Trying to hold it together. I have a 3 hours trip south. And a 4 hour meeting lined up. Not the way I wanted to start my weekend. But what can you do? I'm poor. And I need to come to terms with that. I hope they can too! Because the cost of my internship is eating me alive.
Until now, I relied heavily on myself. And my ability to line up gigs with the BBs. But at this point, I can see that it has become more and more of a hobby for the guys. But I still need the work. And as the economy continues to sink into the ground, I'm screwed even more.
It still surprises me that our student athletes gets so much scholarship money. While me, a Dean's List student, Crimson Scholar, and I have a 4.0 gets $50 a semester! How is that fair? I'm not sure. And our athletic programs are not even very good. There you go. That's what our education system has come to.
My parents, I'm sure they'd like to help. But honestly, they have a business that they need to take care of. And I know how much it costs them. I also know that between May and September, it's the toughest time of year for them. So I'm not going to go to them for the money. I'd feel like I was an inch high. Literally taking money from them.
So here I am. No money. No help. And needing $4000 by Monday. I guess I'm praying for a Hail Mary. Knowing that there's not one in sight. But hoping against all odds that I get to continue in my field. Because honestly, it's all I have in my life. I have no family (besides my parents), I don't have many hobbies, or much of anything. My work and school, they're my life. And I just know, it will break my entire spirit if I had to leave. ♥
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Overload of Emotions
It's crazy! Today was supposed to be all about me signing papers. The papers that would say, if anything were to happen to S and D, Maribel would become my daughter. Yes, I'm her Nana. And her parents asked me to take her in case anything were to happen to them. They asked A to take Marissa and Mariella. And they asked us if we could co-parent the girls. We are both very honored that they trust us so very much!
It was a big day. Later in the summer, they'll do the same for their new twins. They'll go with their respective Godparents. And it was a big day. I felt a HUGE surge of responsibility. Like one day, Maribel could possibly be mine. I hope I don't screw this up! She is their daughter, and I want to do the best I can. How on Earth do they think I can do this? I guess people see more good in me, than I see in myself.
And that my friends, was supposed to be the emotional day I was to have. Ending with a quick lunch and me heading back to work. But someone out there in the universe, thinks I need more emotion. And they sent me truck loads today. It began when I returned to work after lunch. And Dr. S was all up on me. Because he received his paperwork that I will be finished with my internship on July 9, 2010.
Why? You probably want to know that. Well, I was supposed to be done with it back in May. I'm dead broke. I have no money. And I actually have to pay for my internship. I don't get paid a red cent! But I've managed. At least, thus far. Now, our gigs are farther and farther apart. The little bit of money I make working for J goes to me getting better physical and mentally. The whole computer dying...well it didn't help my bank account either. It leaves me with no money for school. Much less an internship that costs nearly $8000 a semester.
I had managed to save up some money. Some money I was going to use for my Fall tuition. But Dr. S and the Dean of Ag managed to talk me into just one more semester of my internship. I wasn't sure. But when Dr. S agreed to pay for my insurance. And the Dean threw in $500, well I couldn't say no. How could anyone?
So I pitched in my almost $1200. Dr. M bought my scrubs. And I borrowed the rest from J. I knew it was a temporary fix. But it allowed me a few more weeks on the job. And that, I couldn't resist. I know there are many people pulling for me to succeed. But sometimes, the desire, passion, and talent are not enough. I just can't do this anymore. I have no money. So the next semester for my internship begins July 12, 2010. I won't be there. Therefore, I'm forfeiting the remainder of my internship.
It saddens my heart to no end. I cried for weeks knowing that it was coming. But there is nothing left for me to do. Not a darn thing. Believe me, I've tried. But I just don't feel right asking my parents to help me. And I can't possibly borrow another cent from J. He's too good of a friend.
So today, instead of Rounds, I sat in Dr. S's office and got yelled at. For 3 hours. I tried to keep it together. But the tears came. I couldn't hold them back. Because this is what I want to do with my life. I just don't have the means to do it. I respect Dr. S to the ends of the Earth. He has made me the "Doctor-in-training" that I am. And now, Dr. S is mad and disappointed in me. And in a few short weeks, I won't work in the hospital. And I won't work with my kiddos...
It was bad. I cried. I couldn't look at Dr. S for the rest of the day. My heart broke every single time I saw one of my patients. This is what I was put on Earth to do. Be a pediatrician. But I can't do it. When it came time to leave, I was slightly relieved. And looked forward to a peaceful evening...
Then I'm on my way home. It's been a hell of a day! And I just want 5 minutes of peace before I have to go to church. My Dad calls. He never calls me. I have to call them. And if I don't call every single day, it's like having to face God and Satan at the same time. I usually call my parents when I get home from work. So this was HUGE surprise! And my Dad never really talks to me on the phone. Our conversations usually go,
Dad: "Hi. How are you? How's the weather? How was work?"
Me: "Hi Dad. It's hot. Really hot. Work was work. I'm on my way home. How's your leg?"
Dad: "It's hot as hell here. My legs OK."
Then I usually hear him ask my Mom if she wants to talk to me. We will usually talk for 30 minutes to an hour. But not today. Dad was pissed. I could just tell. And he talked. And said all these sideways comments. And I knew he was mad. And I was already all emotional. My eyes still stung from crying earlier. And it really was hot in my car. I was trying to make the hour drive home. That was quickly turning into 90 minutes because of construction and traffic. Oh the heat was bad!
And my Dad kept on and on and on. I knew he was mad. Then I said something about having to go to the store after mass. He just blew up on me. I pulled over. Because, well, no need to cause an accident as my Dad is telling me off. Over what? Because I need to go buy some water. Sorry, but we're in the middle of an extreme heat wave. In case he's forgotten, I don't have AC at home. I might be the only one in the entire Borderland without AC. I need some water.
Yes, all I mentioned was that I needed to go pick up some water. And maybe some groceries. Because you know, I get hungry from time to time too. Lord help me for needing to eat and stay cool. And he just went off. Honestly, a few bucks is not going to make or break me at this point. I have no money. What's $2 in water? And maybe $10 in groceries. But I made the fatal error of mentioning a trip to Costco with J tomorrow...
That's when the yelling began, and my tears just flowed. Why does he have to constantly yell? Shouldn't he be happy that I have someone to lean on a little here? I don't have a Costco card because I can't afford it. And honestly, I only need to go maybe once a year to buy some toilet paper and laundry soap. So what's the big deal? My Dad has known that for over 2 years, I haven't had a card. And I've never asked him for one. I know he gets them for his employees. But I don't need one. Not for 1-2 trips a year. He just started yelling at me because of J. Would it be so bad if a good man like J wanted to take care of me? Apparently so...
At this point, I guess I'm not good enough to be a happy person. I should be miserable at home. And no, it's not OK for anyone, especially a man, to lend me a helping hand. Funny thing is, I don't lean on anyone. I might cry a little when things get bad. And yes, I'm not going to lie, I go to J or Memo to talk about things. And well, yes, I usually cry too. But it's not like J is doing anything for me other than being my friend.
But honestly, tomorrow, I'm meeting J to pick up a thing of toilet paper, some laundry soap, and maybe some tuna. And if I don't find water again tonight, I might buy some tomorrow. It's not that big of a deal. But to my Dad, it sure as hell was. And he yelled and yelled. And told me how ungrateful I am. And why is he even living because no one appreciates him anyhow. Um, Dad, you taught me to stand on my own 2 feet. To not need anyone, to do things for myself. I'm just trying to do that. And grow up. But he just yelled. Which made me cry...
And why was that? Because I try so hard to make him proud. And I try so hard to be financially independent. And I can't do it anymore. And I'm falling apart here. And I don't want to burden my parents. And I most certainly don't want to disappoint them either! But my Dad doesn't see it that way. I don't do enough in his eyes. I'm dropping the ball everywhere he's concerned. And why in the hell am I spending my own money on some of life's necessities?
I had to remind him that I'm 27 years old. I've lived on my own since I was 18. And I need to do these things. Whether or not I struggle, it's part of growing up. Hell, most people in my family, at my age, have at least 3 kids. But here I am, trying to make it through college, and everything I do is wrong.
Well, the fight with me was interrupted by some other fight. With who? I have no clue. But he hung up on me. And there I was. On the side of the highway, crying. Because my Dad just doesn't get it. Maybe my 59 year old brother is OK with being a full time mooch. But I'm not. And if I have to leave school for a while, and live off of boiled macaroni, and sweat all summer long...well I will.
And no matter how much yelling Dr. S does, I can't responsibly sign up for another semester of school. And no matter if I have no food, I will never go to my parents for a handout. Because I'm an adult. I have to stand on my own 2 feet. That's what responsible adults do.
And then I think about earlier today. 2 of my very best friends are trusting to raise their daughter, if they are not here to do it. So I must not be a bad person. They have to see some good in me to trust me with someone as special, loving, and as important as Maribel is. That right there, softens my heart a little. And reminds me, there is good in this life.
Now it's time for me to go. Or I'll be late to mass. And tonight of all nights, I need some love from God. And my favorite little girls. I'm proud to me their Tia/Nana. And big hug from Memo wouldn't be so bad either. He really is like a father figure to me. And Bless your soul if you made it this far. You really have a special place in my heart, simply for caring this much. ♥
It was a big day. Later in the summer, they'll do the same for their new twins. They'll go with their respective Godparents. And it was a big day. I felt a HUGE surge of responsibility. Like one day, Maribel could possibly be mine. I hope I don't screw this up! She is their daughter, and I want to do the best I can. How on Earth do they think I can do this? I guess people see more good in me, than I see in myself.
And that my friends, was supposed to be the emotional day I was to have. Ending with a quick lunch and me heading back to work. But someone out there in the universe, thinks I need more emotion. And they sent me truck loads today. It began when I returned to work after lunch. And Dr. S was all up on me. Because he received his paperwork that I will be finished with my internship on July 9, 2010.
Why? You probably want to know that. Well, I was supposed to be done with it back in May. I'm dead broke. I have no money. And I actually have to pay for my internship. I don't get paid a red cent! But I've managed. At least, thus far. Now, our gigs are farther and farther apart. The little bit of money I make working for J goes to me getting better physical and mentally. The whole computer dying...well it didn't help my bank account either. It leaves me with no money for school. Much less an internship that costs nearly $8000 a semester.
I had managed to save up some money. Some money I was going to use for my Fall tuition. But Dr. S and the Dean of Ag managed to talk me into just one more semester of my internship. I wasn't sure. But when Dr. S agreed to pay for my insurance. And the Dean threw in $500, well I couldn't say no. How could anyone?
So I pitched in my almost $1200. Dr. M bought my scrubs. And I borrowed the rest from J. I knew it was a temporary fix. But it allowed me a few more weeks on the job. And that, I couldn't resist. I know there are many people pulling for me to succeed. But sometimes, the desire, passion, and talent are not enough. I just can't do this anymore. I have no money. So the next semester for my internship begins July 12, 2010. I won't be there. Therefore, I'm forfeiting the remainder of my internship.
It saddens my heart to no end. I cried for weeks knowing that it was coming. But there is nothing left for me to do. Not a darn thing. Believe me, I've tried. But I just don't feel right asking my parents to help me. And I can't possibly borrow another cent from J. He's too good of a friend.
So today, instead of Rounds, I sat in Dr. S's office and got yelled at. For 3 hours. I tried to keep it together. But the tears came. I couldn't hold them back. Because this is what I want to do with my life. I just don't have the means to do it. I respect Dr. S to the ends of the Earth. He has made me the "Doctor-in-training" that I am. And now, Dr. S is mad and disappointed in me. And in a few short weeks, I won't work in the hospital. And I won't work with my kiddos...
It was bad. I cried. I couldn't look at Dr. S for the rest of the day. My heart broke every single time I saw one of my patients. This is what I was put on Earth to do. Be a pediatrician. But I can't do it. When it came time to leave, I was slightly relieved. And looked forward to a peaceful evening...
Then I'm on my way home. It's been a hell of a day! And I just want 5 minutes of peace before I have to go to church. My Dad calls. He never calls me. I have to call them. And if I don't call every single day, it's like having to face God and Satan at the same time. I usually call my parents when I get home from work. So this was HUGE surprise! And my Dad never really talks to me on the phone. Our conversations usually go,
Dad: "Hi. How are you? How's the weather? How was work?"
Me: "Hi Dad. It's hot. Really hot. Work was work. I'm on my way home. How's your leg?"
Dad: "It's hot as hell here. My legs OK."
Then I usually hear him ask my Mom if she wants to talk to me. We will usually talk for 30 minutes to an hour. But not today. Dad was pissed. I could just tell. And he talked. And said all these sideways comments. And I knew he was mad. And I was already all emotional. My eyes still stung from crying earlier. And it really was hot in my car. I was trying to make the hour drive home. That was quickly turning into 90 minutes because of construction and traffic. Oh the heat was bad!
And my Dad kept on and on and on. I knew he was mad. Then I said something about having to go to the store after mass. He just blew up on me. I pulled over. Because, well, no need to cause an accident as my Dad is telling me off. Over what? Because I need to go buy some water. Sorry, but we're in the middle of an extreme heat wave. In case he's forgotten, I don't have AC at home. I might be the only one in the entire Borderland without AC. I need some water.
Yes, all I mentioned was that I needed to go pick up some water. And maybe some groceries. Because you know, I get hungry from time to time too. Lord help me for needing to eat and stay cool. And he just went off. Honestly, a few bucks is not going to make or break me at this point. I have no money. What's $2 in water? And maybe $10 in groceries. But I made the fatal error of mentioning a trip to Costco with J tomorrow...
That's when the yelling began, and my tears just flowed. Why does he have to constantly yell? Shouldn't he be happy that I have someone to lean on a little here? I don't have a Costco card because I can't afford it. And honestly, I only need to go maybe once a year to buy some toilet paper and laundry soap. So what's the big deal? My Dad has known that for over 2 years, I haven't had a card. And I've never asked him for one. I know he gets them for his employees. But I don't need one. Not for 1-2 trips a year. He just started yelling at me because of J. Would it be so bad if a good man like J wanted to take care of me? Apparently so...
At this point, I guess I'm not good enough to be a happy person. I should be miserable at home. And no, it's not OK for anyone, especially a man, to lend me a helping hand. Funny thing is, I don't lean on anyone. I might cry a little when things get bad. And yes, I'm not going to lie, I go to J or Memo to talk about things. And well, yes, I usually cry too. But it's not like J is doing anything for me other than being my friend.
But honestly, tomorrow, I'm meeting J to pick up a thing of toilet paper, some laundry soap, and maybe some tuna. And if I don't find water again tonight, I might buy some tomorrow. It's not that big of a deal. But to my Dad, it sure as hell was. And he yelled and yelled. And told me how ungrateful I am. And why is he even living because no one appreciates him anyhow. Um, Dad, you taught me to stand on my own 2 feet. To not need anyone, to do things for myself. I'm just trying to do that. And grow up. But he just yelled. Which made me cry...
And why was that? Because I try so hard to make him proud. And I try so hard to be financially independent. And I can't do it anymore. And I'm falling apart here. And I don't want to burden my parents. And I most certainly don't want to disappoint them either! But my Dad doesn't see it that way. I don't do enough in his eyes. I'm dropping the ball everywhere he's concerned. And why in the hell am I spending my own money on some of life's necessities?
I had to remind him that I'm 27 years old. I've lived on my own since I was 18. And I need to do these things. Whether or not I struggle, it's part of growing up. Hell, most people in my family, at my age, have at least 3 kids. But here I am, trying to make it through college, and everything I do is wrong.
Well, the fight with me was interrupted by some other fight. With who? I have no clue. But he hung up on me. And there I was. On the side of the highway, crying. Because my Dad just doesn't get it. Maybe my 59 year old brother is OK with being a full time mooch. But I'm not. And if I have to leave school for a while, and live off of boiled macaroni, and sweat all summer long...well I will.
And no matter how much yelling Dr. S does, I can't responsibly sign up for another semester of school. And no matter if I have no food, I will never go to my parents for a handout. Because I'm an adult. I have to stand on my own 2 feet. That's what responsible adults do.
And then I think about earlier today. 2 of my very best friends are trusting to raise their daughter, if they are not here to do it. So I must not be a bad person. They have to see some good in me to trust me with someone as special, loving, and as important as Maribel is. That right there, softens my heart a little. And reminds me, there is good in this life.
Now it's time for me to go. Or I'll be late to mass. And tonight of all nights, I need some love from God. And my favorite little girls. I'm proud to me their Tia/Nana. And big hug from Memo wouldn't be so bad either. He really is like a father figure to me. And Bless your soul if you made it this far. You really have a special place in my heart, simply for caring this much. ♥
Monday, June 7, 2010
Open to the Possibilities
I had this intimate conversation with a good friend today. Albeit over the phone, during my lunch break. But it got me thinking. As much as I really enjoyed spending time with my parents and taking care of them this past week, I'm ready for someone to love. Yes, I enjoyed getting the chance to go home and take care of my Mom and Dad. Making sure my Mom got her eye drops. Helping my Dad with his leg. Making them dinner. It was a great few days. But I'm ready for someone to love.
I think I'm finally in that place were I'm ready to "Welcome" a relationship into my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and realize I missed out on the really important things in life. I don't want my entire life to encompass work and the hospital.
I want to find someone to share this life with. A man who can appreciate my goofiness. And my love of the outdoors. Who can appreciate my "Palm Tree" hairdo, and sunburned skin. One day, I want to be making baby things for my baby. I think with my best friend expecting her little girl, it's really got me thinking. There is definitely more to life than my work. 100 hours a week in a hospital...there has to be more to life!
I guess I'm tired of going home to an empty house. I'm tired of going to events alone. And being around all of my "coupled" friends. There has to be something said for being the youngest in my group of friends, and being the only single female. It's not always the funniest place to be. Not when my male friends act as if I'm their kid sister. And I need protecting from any male within 100 miles.
But I just think more things in my life are changing. I'm finally embracing the changes. And I'm ready to start my own life. For so long, I've been living for other people. Trying to make them happy. It's time for me to start doing that for myself.
I'm not on the "prowl" for a man. No way! But if someone happens along my path, I'm not going to be so quick to turn away. I know in my lifetime, I've walked away from a few good men. The timing just wasn't right for me. And now, most of them are good friends. But you just never know what the future has in store for you. You just have to be open to the possibilities. ♥
I think I'm finally in that place were I'm ready to "Welcome" a relationship into my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and realize I missed out on the really important things in life. I don't want my entire life to encompass work and the hospital.
I want to find someone to share this life with. A man who can appreciate my goofiness. And my love of the outdoors. Who can appreciate my "Palm Tree" hairdo, and sunburned skin. One day, I want to be making baby things for my baby. I think with my best friend expecting her little girl, it's really got me thinking. There is definitely more to life than my work. 100 hours a week in a hospital...there has to be more to life!
I guess I'm tired of going home to an empty house. I'm tired of going to events alone. And being around all of my "coupled" friends. There has to be something said for being the youngest in my group of friends, and being the only single female. It's not always the funniest place to be. Not when my male friends act as if I'm their kid sister. And I need protecting from any male within 100 miles.
But I just think more things in my life are changing. I'm finally embracing the changes. And I'm ready to start my own life. For so long, I've been living for other people. Trying to make them happy. It's time for me to start doing that for myself.
I'm not on the "prowl" for a man. No way! But if someone happens along my path, I'm not going to be so quick to turn away. I know in my lifetime, I've walked away from a few good men. The timing just wasn't right for me. And now, most of them are good friends. But you just never know what the future has in store for you. You just have to be open to the possibilities. ♥
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Dreams
I'm one of those people, that remembers every detail of my dreams. Vividly. It's so weird! But I do. And last night, I had 3 very different, yet life like dreams. I think I might have slept too long. That could have been the reason for all my dreams.
Dream #1:
First, I dreamt that I was a cheerleader again. For any of my readers that don't know, I was a cheerleader for 5 years. I was on a competitive team. Trips to National competitions and all! But I had this dream that we went to our state capital. Like if it was today. All of us grown up. And we went dressed in our old uniforms. Girls who had cheered before and after me. We were going to perform some sort of routine.
All of my family was there too. Which is so weird. Because when I cheered, I only had 1 aunt and 2 uncles go to my games. My parents would go, but not the rest of my family. Oh no, not this time. The entire familia went. Had their picnic meals and everything! It was a little strange. Family that doesn't even talk to me. I don't know. It was just weird.
Back to the cheerleaders. We were all there. All of them were married and/or had kids. Except me. Which in real life, is pretty accurate. I don't know what to say. But one of my friends, Antoinette was there. We haven't spoken since we graduated. And she was showing me her adorable son. I, in fact, know that she has a little boy. I ran into her mom a few years ago. In my dream, Antoinette was going through some sort of drama. And I was trying to help her through it. hmmm....
But the thing I remember most from my dream; people know liked me, talked to me, and respected me. Very different from high school. I was extremely quiet. Very much to myself. And didn't really socialize with the cheerleaders outside of cheerleading. Come on, we spent our days in school together, then practice for a 3 hours a day, plus games. I didn't feel like we connected outside of cheerleading. Did I really want to spend my 2 free hours with them? Oh, and I was in good physical shape. So much so, my uniform was too big! :)
Dream #2:
I dreamt about a friend of the family...and me...married. WHAT?!?!?! Ya, I don't know where that came from. Totally out of left field. Maybe I am sleep deprived. And God knows what happened last night. My brain my have been short circuiting or something. But I had this dream that we had gotten married. In Hawaii. It was a small wedding. He worked and I stayed at home. Making our cute 1930 something house, our home. :) It was super sweet. Kind of like an old 1950s TV show. A garden, white picket fence, and an apron all included!!! It is so strange, because I can even tell you what the house smelled like. What I was cooking. How this man's eyes looked.
In reality, as adults, we have only seen each other maybe twice. Maybe mumbled a total of 20 words to each other. Including, "Hi" and "Have a nice day." So this was totally random. I woke up in a cold sweat. Looked around my pitch black bedroom. And tried to figure what the heck had just happened. I still have no clue why HE was in my dream. What is God trying to tell me???
Dream #3:
Starring HIM again!!! God, it's me. What message are you trying to send me? I know I work too many hours. I know that I want a family. Is this some sort of message. Or is 4 hours of sleep too much for one night? Maybe it was because I actually slept in my bed last night. That rarely, if ever, happens!!!
But ya, I had a dream that we were not only married...but we were expecting a baby. A sweet little bundle of joy. It was so strange. I tell you, I think my head is playing tricks on me. But it was a sweet little thing that played through my head. Because I would really like to find a man that can love me for all my quirks. Which let me tell you, there are quite a few!!! And I want nothing more than to be a mommy.
At the point of my dream, when the 2 of us were going through baby names and looking through our nursery, I woke up. This time, I was covered in sweat. Panicked. And my heart was racing. Needless to say, I didn't go back to sleep. It was just too realistic for me. And a bit weird. I could see dreaming about someone that I know and talked to on a regular basis. But this man...it was just too much for me.
I just wanted to share some of the randomness that goes on in my head. It's very random, I know. But it's life. And I just have to deal with it. Now I'm going to get up. Maybe get my laundry together and head to J's. I know he will be up. And will appreciate a good laugh at 4AM!!! ♥
Dream #1:
First, I dreamt that I was a cheerleader again. For any of my readers that don't know, I was a cheerleader for 5 years. I was on a competitive team. Trips to National competitions and all! But I had this dream that we went to our state capital. Like if it was today. All of us grown up. And we went dressed in our old uniforms. Girls who had cheered before and after me. We were going to perform some sort of routine.
All of my family was there too. Which is so weird. Because when I cheered, I only had 1 aunt and 2 uncles go to my games. My parents would go, but not the rest of my family. Oh no, not this time. The entire familia went. Had their picnic meals and everything! It was a little strange. Family that doesn't even talk to me. I don't know. It was just weird.
Back to the cheerleaders. We were all there. All of them were married and/or had kids. Except me. Which in real life, is pretty accurate. I don't know what to say. But one of my friends, Antoinette was there. We haven't spoken since we graduated. And she was showing me her adorable son. I, in fact, know that she has a little boy. I ran into her mom a few years ago. In my dream, Antoinette was going through some sort of drama. And I was trying to help her through it. hmmm....
But the thing I remember most from my dream; people know liked me, talked to me, and respected me. Very different from high school. I was extremely quiet. Very much to myself. And didn't really socialize with the cheerleaders outside of cheerleading. Come on, we spent our days in school together, then practice for a 3 hours a day, plus games. I didn't feel like we connected outside of cheerleading. Did I really want to spend my 2 free hours with them? Oh, and I was in good physical shape. So much so, my uniform was too big! :)
Dream #2:
I dreamt about a friend of the family...and me...married. WHAT?!?!?! Ya, I don't know where that came from. Totally out of left field. Maybe I am sleep deprived. And God knows what happened last night. My brain my have been short circuiting or something. But I had this dream that we had gotten married. In Hawaii. It was a small wedding. He worked and I stayed at home. Making our cute 1930 something house, our home. :) It was super sweet. Kind of like an old 1950s TV show. A garden, white picket fence, and an apron all included!!! It is so strange, because I can even tell you what the house smelled like. What I was cooking. How this man's eyes looked.
In reality, as adults, we have only seen each other maybe twice. Maybe mumbled a total of 20 words to each other. Including, "Hi" and "Have a nice day." So this was totally random. I woke up in a cold sweat. Looked around my pitch black bedroom. And tried to figure what the heck had just happened. I still have no clue why HE was in my dream. What is God trying to tell me???
Dream #3:
Starring HIM again!!! God, it's me. What message are you trying to send me? I know I work too many hours. I know that I want a family. Is this some sort of message. Or is 4 hours of sleep too much for one night? Maybe it was because I actually slept in my bed last night. That rarely, if ever, happens!!!
But ya, I had a dream that we were not only married...but we were expecting a baby. A sweet little bundle of joy. It was so strange. I tell you, I think my head is playing tricks on me. But it was a sweet little thing that played through my head. Because I would really like to find a man that can love me for all my quirks. Which let me tell you, there are quite a few!!! And I want nothing more than to be a mommy.
At the point of my dream, when the 2 of us were going through baby names and looking through our nursery, I woke up. This time, I was covered in sweat. Panicked. And my heart was racing. Needless to say, I didn't go back to sleep. It was just too realistic for me. And a bit weird. I could see dreaming about someone that I know and talked to on a regular basis. But this man...it was just too much for me.
I just wanted to share some of the randomness that goes on in my head. It's very random, I know. But it's life. And I just have to deal with it. Now I'm going to get up. Maybe get my laundry together and head to J's. I know he will be up. And will appreciate a good laugh at 4AM!!! ♥
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