My Only Constant...Money Problems

It's been 1 month. One very long month. After Labor Day, I found out that Dean C and Dr. S had changed my schedule. They didn't tell me. They just did it. They wanted me to take all these classes and to do my internship. It didn't matter that I couldn't afford it. Or that I was already registered and taking 2 classes. They made the change. And by the time I found out, I couldn't change my schedule back.

No one ever listens to me. It's not that I wanted to just leave. My internship had become my entire life. And living a life as lonely and sad as mine, it was the only light in my life. The only thing that made me smile. It made me happy. I was doing something amazing. Helping innocent babies grow strong. Saving lives. It gave me hope. And to be honest, it was my only reason to get out of bed in the mornings.

But with the growing costs, and less and less gigs, I had no options. Do you want me to tell you the truth? I'm still paying J for money he lent me for the 2010 Spring semester. I know he doesn't mind. In fact, he's told me time after time, to just wait until I graduate. He doesn't need the money. Heck, maybe one day we can break even. I can be his kiddos' doctor. To be honest, I think he's hoping I'll just tell him yes one day...

All of that makes me uncomfortable. So I work. I sign over my checks to him. Every payday, I just sign my check and leave it on his desk. And anytime I have extra money, he gets it. I'm so determined to pay him as soon as possible. I know that my friend loves me. And I know that he would do anything for me. But I don't want him to think, that I use him for money. First and foremost, he's my best friend.

I also don't want to go down the route of Student Loans. Not yet anyway. I know, one day I might have to. Heck, I know when I get to Medical School, I'm going to have to. So I don't want to do it now. But that means, there are sacrifices to be made along the way.

So where am I going with all of this? It's been a tough month. I've tried to figure out ways to pay for school. I've looked at upcoming gigs. And how much money I'm going to make. I've thought about asking J to lend me more money. I've thought about leaving school for a semester. I was offered an amazing job with the Border Patrol. But I couldn't take it. Why? Because as an intern, I'm required to work 100-120 hours a week! And I have to be ready to travel at the drop of a hat. So with the internship, I couldn't work at the Border Patrol.

That leaves me with over $15,000 to pay by December. Half of which is due Friday. I've borrowed $3500 from J for books. Dr. S paid my insurance. Which is another $3,500. You know, he's half at fault for this. My other friend, Dr. M, he paid for my scrubs. I'm still left with almost $8,000 to pay. I've paid over $1,000 in tuition. Thus far, I think that's good. I've done it on my own. And I have a balloon payment due on Friday. $3,500 for my internship. And the difference in my tuition. I have to at least have $1,750 paid.

It's midterm. And I don't know where to turn. I've carried all of this. Just like ever other semester. I've carried this burden, this stress. I didn't want to be here. That's why I was only enrolled in 2 classes. I knew I couldn't do it. I have no support. No one to lean on. No one to talk to. I could handle 2 classes and $800. I didn't even buy the books for those classes. That's how tight money is. But this...$15,000, an internship, and 28 credits...I can't handle this anymore.

This is about the time I'd call Patrick for advice. Just wanting to hear his thoughts. Asking for advice. I'd never ask my parents for help. They have a business to run. It's bad enough that everyone else in the family uses them for money. I'm determined to stand on my own two feet. But I don't have Patrick to call. I have no one to lean on. It's just me. Alone, scared, stressed, worried, and falling apart. No one to talk to. No one to listen to me. To really sit down and listen to what I have to say.

Sunday, Dr. S yelled at me for at least 2 hours. Trying to talk me out of this. Come on. $3,500 isn't going to fall from the sky. I don't have any money! I work and work and work some more. I'm just not making the money. And then, Monday night we talked on the phone. I told him there was no way I could do this...

So this morning, I was supposed to work with him. At the hospital in my hometown. I came last night. My Dad was bugged. Not in any kind of mood to talk. This is why I don't talk to him about these things. Because he gets so mad. So I didn't say anything. I couldn't sleep last night. And after that horrible conversation with Dr. S, I knew it was over. I knew all the things I had worked so hard for and sacrificed for, they're over.

I'm only one person. I can only do so much. I can only carry so much weight. I've been carrying the weight of the world since I was little. Trying to make peace within my family. Taking everything that my siblings have to dish out. Being the peace maker for my parents. Being strong. Holding my family together. Keeping people happy. Being everything that everyone needs and wants me to be.

Today, I was leaving. Heading south. For my 4 hour road trip, to work. And as I was leaving, my Dad knew something was wrong. And as I tried to calming explain it, he blew up. This man, my father, the person I'm supposed to turn to when life is falling apart, he just blew up. He doesn't understand. I doubt that he ever will...

All of a sudden he wants to run in and save the day. Write a check for $200. And that's supposed to fix this. Come on. And he blamed me for it all. Let's be real here. He knew I was having trouble. He knows how much it costs me to go to school. He doesn't ever want to talk. You know, because of my brother. I'm pretty much at midterm. And last week was the first time he offered me money. $250. I'm grateful. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't make much difference.

So when he's yelling at me, I just have to sit and think. Does he get it? NO! I'm drowning here. And he's on the sidelines watching. Criticizing everything I'm doing. But he's not willing to walk a day in my shoes. I'm trying. There's not a single thing I can do. I mean, you can go to my house right now. There is nothing in my refrigerator. I have a few cans of food in the cabinet. I don't go shopping. I can't tell you the last time I went out to lunch with friends. I don't do anything.

I sincerely have no money. Besides the $250 my parents gave me last week, which I'm using to make a payment for school this week, I have $25 in my bank account. $25 people! Yes, we go on trips for gigs. I do what I have to. I go to the rehearsals, the performances, and whatever else appearances we have to make. Then I spend the rest of my time, in my room. Because I most certainly can't afford a meal in Las Vegas. Heck, I can't even afford to stop at Taco Bell, when we're playing gigs near home!

It's that bad. And all I can ever get from my Dad is negativity. He doesn't get it. I don't want his money. But I do want some support. Some compassion. For once in my life, I want him to tell me that he loves me and that he's proud of me. That's it.

I look at the things I do in life, I do them because I want him, to be proud of me. That's it. I've given up men that I love, a career in music, and even my happiness. But it's never enough. I fear that even when I become a doctor, it's not going to be enough. How much more do I have to do? I go without eating and sleeping. I'm trying to get myself through school. I just feel like I always come up short with my Dad. That my Mom and me will never matter. No matter what we do. ♥

12

That's the number of times I've been proposed to. The honest proposals. The ones that count. Not the ones from fans, as we put on a show.

12. It seems like a HUGE number. There were 6 men. And I'm the "Forever Single Woman." How does this happen? How does a woman like me, get proposed to 12 times? And how am I still single?

Let's start with the conversation that my Mom and I had tonight. We were talking about life things. Things that are burdening my heart and soul. We were talking about life. And family. And out of the blue, she asked me, what I would do if someone proposed to me. When I told her that someone had, she about died. I just told her, I wasn't ready yet. That's all I said.

But the truth of the matter is this, 6 men have asked me, a total of 12 times. Will #13 be the lucky number? Will I continue to run? Do I have a problem to work through?

12 times you ask? What happened? Sanchoncito...he asked me to marry him 4 times! Oh, and I didn't count that time we ALMOST got married in Sin City...

Sanchoncito asked me to marry him, the first time, after he landed his first big job. Before he moved. I didn't want to hold him back. So I let him go. It broke my heart. But it was the right thing to do. He asked me again, right before my Uncle Al died. I remember it clearly. We had just finished a big concert. The 2 of us were sitting by the pool. He wanted nothing more than for me to become his wife. And to move to Florida to be with him. But life happened. The 3rd time was the night of Linda and Gabe's wedding. I think he was caught up in the "Magic" of the night. And the 4th time came right before he left for Mexico.

I loved him so much. Heck, I know that I still love him. But our lives have just never been at the same place, at the same time. It just never worked out. Although, I have to say, the rings have gotten better every time he's asked. ;)

Then there was J. He asked me 3 times. During the ups and downs of our friendship, I've always known that he's loved me. I just knew. From the moment that we met. And he's always been here for me. 3 times, he asked me to be his wife. He wants to take care of me. He wants to be the man that I love. He wants a family. And he wants nothing more than to love me, full heartily. Body and soul, he wants us to be one.

3 times, in that gorgeous Southern accent, he's asked me to be his wife, the mother of his children, his partner in life. 3 times, I stared into his gorgeous green eyes. Trying to come up with a reason to not marry him. And nothing came to mind. Not a thing! But it always ended the same. With me saying no. With me walking silently away, tears streaming down my cheeks, and me driving away. I didn't have a reason to NOT marry him. But I didn't know how to say yes either.

Twice my boss, "Daddy Warbucks" has asked me to marry him. Twice! The "Billionaire Extraordinaire" from my hometown, has asked me to be his bride. He told me that he loved me. He didn't know how or when it happened. Only that it had happened. Yes, he asked 2 times. At the top of his world. Overlooking the beautiful city, where he lives. Two times, I had to tell him, he was in love with the idea of being married. Not with the woman-child that was standing in front of him.

Once Albert asked me. I'm not sure what prompted it. I don't know where the feelings were coming from. Or if things had changed between us. But he asked. A beautiful antique ring in hand. He got down on one knee, and asked me to love him forever. I was stunned! I didn't know what to say. I made him stand up. And gently told him that we needed time to think about this. I honestly didn't know what to say.

Omar asked once too. I think he was just feeling lonely. At a time in my life, when I was also lonely. And it could have been so easy to have said yes. To have told him yes. But I thought better of my answer. I thought about the emotional state he was in. And I gently told him no. Because I know he is still not ready for that step in his life.

And once, a man completely took me by surprise. Mr. "Blue Eyes." I went out East to work. The band went to work. I had known my boss and friend for over 2 years at this point. We had become close friends. We talked a lot. We didn't see a lot of each other. Because we live a mere 1745 miles from one another.

But during our last trip, as a band, to the East, I was shocked. One night that we were there, everyone was asleep. Of course, I couldn't sleep. And I didn't want to wake up my best friend. Or anyone else in the house. So I went outside. I sat on the porch. And just looked out into the darkness. Mr. "Blue Eyes" was also awake. On the opposite side of the house. And when he heard his dog, he came to investigate.

Before I knew it, we were driving to another part of his property. In the middle of the night. In our PJs. We ended up at a beautiful clearing. So beautiful! The moon was shining just perfectly. And it was so incredibly quiet and peaceful. The 2 of us stood there looking around us. We were in the middle of nowhere. But it was perfect!

He started to tell me all these things. About how much he loved me. About how he could see us having a future together. How this was the spot that he wanted to build his "Forever Home" one day. The day that he found "The One," and they began their life together. This was the place were he wanted to build his future and his family. He pulled out the most incredibly ring I've ever seen in my life. Ever! Sparkling in the moonlight. He got down on one knee and asked me to be his "Forever."

I was honestly stunned. Without words. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. We'd never dated. Yes, we'd spent time together. We had talked a lot. We had become amazing friends. But beyond that, I just didn't have anything to go on. I mean, how could I move across the country, for this man? Did he really love me? Did I love him? Could we spend our lives together?

I sank to my knees. So we could be face to face. I held his face in my hands. I said nothing. I just held his face. Our foreheads pressed against each others. The tears spilling from my eyes. I just knew, it wasn't right at this time. I never said a thing. I just stared into his eyes.

There you go. 6 amazing men. 12 incredible times. Me? I'm still single. Ridiculously, almost painfully, single. I'm not sure. How does this happen? Am I the problem in every situation? Why do men feel the need to ask me this incredible question? Out of these men, I've only ever dated one. Funny thing, Sanchoncito and I were never dating during the 4 proposals. Or the one "Almost Wedding."

Maybe I was meant to be "Forever Single." Or maybe I haven't met "The One." Maybe I just needed some time to "Find Myself." I'm finally feeling more "Complete and Whole." You know, as a person. Maybe this is what I needed. Some time to grow and become the woman I was meant to be. I just hope, that now, there is a man willing to ask me those four simple words. ♥