Last Night

Do you remember my post from yesterday? When I was telling you how awesome my God is? Well, he didn't fail me. Yesterday, I was having a pretty crappy day. Trying to make it a good one. Trying really hard. I want so badly for things to go right.

This meant opting out of lunch. One, to avoid Dr. B. And two, well that financial stress again. So I sat in one of the meeting rooms and ate my banana, orange, and apple. Don't tell the hotel. I took them. I didn't have time to eat them in the morning, before we left the hotel. So I took them with me. And folks, that was a good plan!

I was working on a Counseling paper. It was super quiet and I was hard at work. Then that familiar ding of an IM. I immediately recognized the screen name. Do you remember me telling you about a certain Cowboy who had a birthday? The same Cowboy that likes to call my work phone and leave me sweet messages. Like him singing my favorite country songs. :)

Oh heaven. It just makes me smile thinking about him. Yes! Well, he got on the computer during his lunch break. To check his e-mail. And he saw me signed on too. We had a quick chat. And I happened to mention that I was "in town," teaching some classes. Which I got an immediate response, "Want to go to dinner tonight? ;-)" So we made plans.

After work, Dr. D and I made the 1 hour trip back to the town, where we are staying. Now that I think of it, that was crazy! Being that the Cowboy lives where I was working. But that's what we did. I changed into more comfy clothes. And waited. Mr. Cowboy met me and we went to dinner.

We had so much fun! Was it a date? Um, I'm not sure. Seriously, I'm not sure. But we had a great time! We found this cute little restaurant. I swear, I've been here at least 20 times. I've never seen this place. It was quiet, definitely off the "Beaten Path." The food was so yummy too! We ended up sharing 2 plates. Because there was so much food, we didn't know what to order. :)

And we talked about so many things. Just sat and talked. It was everything that my soul needed. Cowboy had me laughing. I laughed so hard, I cried. We talked about being "on our own." And how it was a good change. Even if our families are hundreds of miles away. We talked about the tough stuff. And about fun things that are happening around "the south."

Literally, we stayed in the restaurant until it was closing. That's how great the conversation was. Funny. We've seen each other a few times, in the past, and barely said Hi to each other. But somehow, without anyone else being there, we let our guards down. And it was nice.

Heck, we even played the "Who Are You, When I'm Not Looking" game. It totally reminded me of the song. I LOVE Blake Shelton's version of it. But I couldn't find a video to post here. It was funny to learn all these new things from the Cowboy. Like he enjoys reading the "Classics." He laughed when I told him that I like to set the table, with candles and everything, to have dinner. It's a treat. Because I rarely get to eat a meal at home. He likes to neatly fold his clothes in a pile at the end of the day. And I definitely have to hug something, when I'm drifting off to sleep. Um, he likes to eat cold leftovers for breakfast. I secretly do the same thing. :)

But before he drove back home, I asked him to take me to Wal-Mart. I'm sure, the only place in town that was still open. I bought him some cupcakes and candles. We sat outside and I sang him Happy Birthday. To which, he blushed. It was so cute!

I told you, God works in all sorts of mysterious ways. He sends us people to improve our lives. To teach us something new. To look at life from a different angle. And to enjoy what amazing gifts we have. That little Wal-Mart cupcake and the mini Ben and Jerry's that we split, never tasted better! Why? Because we were just enjoying each other's company. Nothing crazy. Just sitting and talking. Enjoying the beautiful night that God created.



Again, I feel like I can conquer the world. Whatever happens. And this song, it will always remind me of this amazing man. What will come of our friendship? I don't know. Only time can tell that story. But I've learned to be more "Open Minded" about these things. ♥

I'm A Child of God

It's been a rough week. It's only Wednesday. It's been a rough month. It's only October 6th. But it's been rough. Dealing with deaths. People that I love so much, who were taken way too early in their lives. There's been financial stress. Family problems plague me daily. There are men that love me more than life itself. But I can't find a way to let them love me. Or a way to love them back. And it's me, trying to make it through the day.

Sometimes when I just want to give up so badly, God sends me some little message. A beautiful Goddaughter who is fighting for her life. A precious little girl who just wants a hug from her Nana. A friend that needs me to listen to them. Because he misses his wife and child that he'll never get to meet. Another friend who is trying to keep it together for her kids. And my best friend who just needs me to listen to her woes.

When I'm feeling really down, God has a way of getting the message to me. Be it an amazing lightening and rainstorm. Or the perfect phone call. I know that I'm loved. I know at the end of the day, I have friends who would risk their lives for me. That's how much they love me. The way family should love you. The kind of love that I feel is missing from my life.

God is amazing. He's awesome! I know that I talk down to myself. I'm sincerely hard on myself. I expect myself to never stumble, let alone fall. I don't take "No" for an answer. I work myself until I can't go anymore. I take on too many people's problems. And I want to fix them all. But I'm human. I'm one person. And even I can only do so much.

"But to all who have received him, those who believe in his name, he has given the right to become God’s children." ~John 1:12

I'm a Child of God. A God that loves me. He never falters, never fails. He accepts and loves me just the way I am. He loves me completely and without judging. Even with my faults. My God loves me, because I'm me. The only one out there that is like me. I'm strong to a fault. And when I hurt, it goes right to my core. My God loves me because of all these things. I'm unique. Created by him, and him alone. I'm a Child of His.

As I type this, I'm crying. The tears are overwhelming me. Because I know this to be the truth. My God will always love me. No matter what happens in my life. I can always turn to him. He sends me beautiful things, like flowers, and rainbows. He also sends me so much love. And sometimes, there is pain to work through. No one is perfect. And My God knows that. He still loves me. He knows the burdens I carry with me. And he loves me.

"Success consists of getting up, just one more time than you fall." ~Oliver Goldsmith

No matter how many times I fall, I know my God will love me. He's proven it time and time again. Jesus gave his life for you and me. For our sins and our failures. No matter what, they are here for us. In our darkest days, we're never alone. I know this. I know this personally.

I've been sent amazing people in my life. People who have filled HUGE voids in my life. Who have shaped the woman that I am today. People like Patrick. They never ask for anything at all. But they're always there to catch you when you fall. Amazing little girls like Sarita, who just want to love you. There is a God. I know this. And I'm his Child!

It's been a tough few months. Months that I've questioned certain things in my life. But never have I had to question my faith and religion. But it's been a tough time in my life. Time when I've been unsure of what is coming. But I know I always have my God to turn to. I'm going to live a better life. For him. My obstacles in the road, they're not a "Road Block." Instead, I see them as a "Detour." I will always get up one more time than I fall. Because my God has made it possible.

I woke up this morning. It was so quiet. The air was crisp and clean. A new beginning. As if the rain has washed away all the hurt, pain, and misery. I look at today as a new beginning. I might have to change my "Life Path" a bit. Make some adjustments for what's coming next. But as long as I keep My God close, I will make it out of this darkness.



There is a God. And he loves me. I'm a Child of God. When the world becomes to heavy, he carries me along. Until I'm strong enough to do his work. I believe. My God makes all things possible! ♥

Crossing a Line

I know that I probably went too far with my Dad today. I know it. But I'm suffocating in my own body. Just trying to make it through the day. Literally, I feel like someone is trying to kill me from inside my body. And today, the fight with my Dad, was the last thing I needed.

Did I cross a line? I think I might have. But this is me. Carrying all of this. Not just what is happening right now, in the here and now. But the stuff from my past. The stuff that I'm working through in my counseling and therapy. This stuff, it would KILL my Dad if he knew. My parents wouldn't be able to deal with these facts. So I don't tell them. I carry them. And the only person that I really ever talked to about it, well he's in heaven now. Patrick left this world with my secrets. The things that weigh so heavily on my life, heart, and soul.

I did tell my Dad that I wished I'd die. Die right there. Because maybe then, I wouldn't be such a burden for him. Did I tell him I wished a semi truck would hit me on the road? Yes. And it was also me that said, maybe some weirdo will kill me in the night, in my hotel room. I said these things. Because it seems like I'm a burden to people. To the people I love. That I only bring misery and stress.

If I died today, no one would have to pay anything. I decided a while back, I would donate my body to science. That way someone would learn something. And my family wouldn't have to worry about the expense of my death. It's all in my Will. Just a way for me to deal with it. I have no bills, beyond school. So it wouldn't be a financial burden. The only kind that really bothers my Dad.

My brother hates the fact that I go to my parents' house. The other day, he told me why do I have to come so often. Why am I there? Literally, I sleep the night, and I'm gone in the morning, to the next town to work! But it bothers him. In his words, "I ruin his entire week!" What would Dad have to say about that?

I know it bugs my Dad that I haven't graduated. But again, I'm trying. I work hard. I get good grades. But financially, I can't keep up. So I'm a burden, a failure, and just a bundle of stress to him.

So I told my Dad, that I wished God would just take me. Take me anyway that he needed to. Be it in a car accident, a murder, a massive heart attack, in my sleep, a shooting...whatever means necessary. Because I feel like then, I wouldn't have such a negative effect on people's lives. You know what I mean?

Tonight, Dr. B told me just what she thinks of me. In the middle of a meeting with my professors, who I'm supposed to be teaching with this week, she told me I'm nothing but a failure. I'm never going to make it. I'm just causing her stress, and she doesn't need me on her team for the week. There you go.

I disappoint everyone. My professors, my supervisors, my parents, my family, my friends, the people I work with, and Dean C. But I'm only one person. Trying to do it all. Maybe if I died, it would improve the life of others. It's not that I want to die. But it seems the only way to make people happy.

A penny for my thoughts? Maybe then, people would listen to me. Really hear what I'm saying. See that I'm not as strong as I appear. That I'm just human. Holding it together, the best way I know how to. No need for tears. Because I've had a pretty good life. No matter what tomorrow brings, I've done the best that I could. ♥

Music Heals

It's been a little over a week. The pain is still here. My heart still feels shattered, incomplete, and heavy. I cried on Friday. So many sad songs came on the radio. Just as I reached the small town where Patrick grew up.

I cried. Long and hard. Yes, I was that woman, parked on the side of the road. But it felt good afterward. To have let all of that emotion out. To just feel for a moment. No matter how raw, broken, and fragile it made me feel. I needed that. And here are a few of those songs that were playing on the radio...











I'm sure, this was Patrick's way of telling me that we were both going to be OK. He's in a better place. Not suffering any longer. And I, well I'm a better person for knowing Patrick. "Angels Among Us" will always remind me of Patrick. I told him for years and years, he was my "Angel on Earth." Now I know, I truly have an angel watching over my life. And as for the songs, they will always remind me of this amazing man that I got to call "friend." ♥

Hoping

Before Father's Day, I requested a song, on a popular Country Show, for my parents. I learned tonight, my request will be answered. I learned this, after I submitted another request. This one for Patrick. Here's what I wrote...

20 years ago, I met an amazing man. Someone that I grew to love like a second father. He was a close friend of our family. And in his own way, 20 years ago, he started to guide my life is such a positive direction.

As a young child, Patrick was an incredible mentor to me. I looked up to him. And I never wanted to disappoint him. Academics were always so important to him. Whenever he felt like I needed a push in the right direction, he'd sit me in his office and we'd talk. I also knew, whenever I needed to talk, he'd always make time for me. Regardless of how important his work titles got, he made the time.

Patrick became more and more important to my life as I got older. I went off to college. And quite often, I would call him for support. If there was a big decision to be made, I always asked his opinion. But our relationship went far past that. He was a dear friend, a mentor, someone I looked up to, and somewhere along the way, he became part of my family.

This man taught me so much about life. In my darkest days, he was there to shine light on my life. To encourage me to get up, and to continue on my way. He always encouraged my dreams and aspirations. Patrick was such a shining star in my life. The hope that I needed when I would give up on myself. And on the brightest of days, he was there to celebrate with me. To show how proud he was that I had accomplished one of my goals.

Sadly, on September 18, 2010, he lost his battle with cancer and pulmonary hypertension. I believe, Patrick was sent into my life, to encourage me and give me hope. To show me that all things are possible, with a little bit of faith and a lot of hard work. I lost a dear friend, but I gained so very much by knowing Patrick. He was the answer to so many of my prayers. Patrick showed me, taught me, and guided me through so much of my life. Now, I have an angel who will forever watch over me.

Can you please play Alabama's "Angels Among Us." I had the opportunity to know an angel. And this song will forever remind me of Dr. J. Patrick Garcia. Even in his death, he is working to make our world a better place.

It's crazy how the world works. But I do hope that this request is picked. What a great man Patrick was. And I hope to spread the word, of what an incredible man Patrick was. One day, I am going to do something big to celebrate his life. And to help his legacy continue. But until that day, I can tell a little bit of his story. ♥

He's My Soft Place to Fall

Yesterday, I got 5 calls from my parents. In about a 4 minute time frame. All followed by a page. Then a pretty serious text. But I was on my way to Javi's wedding. With all my friends and their kids. Not the best time to take the call. I knew it was going to be serious. More than likely, bad news.

As soon as the wedding was over, and Sanchoncito and I had sang, I made my way to that little room. It's small, with the old fashioned seats. And a small vanity. I'm supposing, that is where the bride waits, before the walk down the aisle. I went to make "the call."

I didn't notice, Sanchoncito was right behind me. We hadn't had a chance to talk that day. Earlier in the day, we past each other, in the hall of the hotel. But I was trying to help my friends with their kids. And I missed him. We met at the Chapel that evening. But again, we were busy. We were trying to help friends get situated. And get ourselves warmed up for the wedding. And we just didn't talk. No familiar hug...

But at that moment, all that was on my mind was "the call" I had to make. And I made "the call." I got the incredibly sad news. I tried so hard to hold it together. I was brave. I bit my lip as my Mom told me that Patrick had past on. The day before. And my mind was suddenly overflowing with memories of this incredible man. I didn't want to fall apart while talking to my Mom. But the minute I hung up, I fell apart. Patrick was so incredibly special to me. This is such a HUGE loss!

And who was there for me? Sanchoncito. I hung up the phone. The tears came streaming down. And he came to scoop me up. I was like this little rag doll that he just picked up. He just let me fall apart. He let me cry. Like the "old days." When I was falling apart, during some tragic part of my life. Like when my aunt and my uncle past away.

It was so welcoming and comforting. He was the soft, warm place I needed to land. Isn't that crazy? The man who I haven't really talked to in a year and a half. The man that I got into a huge fight with over a year ago. The man that I told, I never wanted to see or speak to again. The same man that was so very rude last Fall. The man that my friends couldn't stand, and my boss punched, in the middle of our rehearsal. The same man that I barely talked to that very day. The same man that I had just sang "Somos Novios" with. And looked me in the eye like he used to. That man.

I don't know what I would have done without him. Because I really did fall apart. I cried for what seemed like a lifetime. I kept replaying memories of Patrick in my head. Thinking to myself, I'm never going to get to talk to him again. He's never going to give me another hug. We're never going to get to take picture #2, 3, and 4. He's never going to visit my home. I'm never going to be able to bake him another cake. He's never going to call me Ms. D___ again. He will never see me accomplish my goals. The same goals that he encouraged. I was devastated. My world felt so empty.

And in those moments, this man held me. Let me cry. Didn't ask what had happened. Was just there for me. It makes me wonder. Is he the one I'm supposed to be with for a lifetime? Who else would just be there like this? Who else would hold me that tight, and literally try to carry the weight of the world for me? Where else could I feel this safe?

As my tear soaked face sank deeper into his chest. As my breathing was labored. As my world was crumbling around me. He just held me. At one point, I know someone came into the room. Who? I have no clue. He just whispered, that we'd get to the reception on our own. The door closed. And he held me tighter. Like my life honestly depended upon it.

When I was done crying. When my tears had dried up. And my breathing began to return to normal, he placed his forehead against mine and whispered, "Amorcita, is there anything I can do?" The look in his eyes, so honest and sincere. That was the man I had once loved, with my entire heart and soul. The man, that I once imagined I would spend my life with. We'd have babies and grow old together. Always singing and playing together. At one time, I had thought that would be our life.

Ironically, I had once talked to Patrick about Sanchoncito. About the amazing man that I could tell was stealing my heart. The man that I was giving my heart to. But his few thoughtful words, in that instant, they opened the flood gets yet again. And Sanchoncito held me even tighter. Tucked my head under his chin, and wrapped his arms around me. It was like, he has been the only person, who has completely understood me.

We sat there for what felt like hours. I don't know how long it was. Just that he was my soft place to fall. He held me together. He didn't mind the tear stained shirt. Or the lipstick on his tie. He didn't mind that I stole his handkerchief because I had no Kleenex. And that we missed the cocktail hour, of one of his best friend's wedding. He didn't mind and didn't care about those details. He only cared about the woman that was falling apart. His only concern was making me feel better. He didn't mind those other things. At last, I was attempting to regain my composure, as he called for a car. A car that he had to pay for. And on the way from that little room to the wedding reception, all I needed was to hold onto his hand. He didn't mind. He was perfect.

It's crazy. So much has happened. So much time has past. He has angered so many people. Most of all...he had angered me to my very core. I was even disappointed in him and the things he was doing. We haven't talked in such a long time. But last night, he made sure I was OK. He stood by my side almost all night. He never told anyone what happened. Or asked me what that call was about. He gave me his mini dessert plate. Just to get me to smile. And put a pretty red rose in my hair. He helped me with all of our friends' kiddos. And managed to find me some ice cream to go with the yummy cake. Just for me.

When I needed a break, he came with me outside. And just sat there. Let me be. We danced. I danced with other friends. He got the musicians and DJ to play lots of my favorite songs. And I tried to enjoy the moment. Not for me, but for my friends. I tried to celebrate my friends. And their new marriage. When it became too much for me, Sanchoncito took over.

At the end of the night, he made sure I got to my room. With my favorite little girls in tow. We managed to get everyone to bed. And he sat with me. Looking out the window of my big hotel suite. Right outside these huge windows, the whole world was going on, like nothing had ever happened. This man, my shoulder to cry on, my soft place to land, my safe place, with the perfect nook for my head to land, was there for me. We sat. And watched the people move about. And I tears steadily rolled down my cheeks.

In the last 9 years, he's the person that has been there for me. Every single time that I've needed him. Every single time my world has exploded. When my Nanie got sick, and later my Auntie Chuchie. When I almost died in that car accident. Later that week, when my Auntie Chuchie died. When my uncle died a month later. That summer when I had surgery. And refused to tell my family. When I started working through my problems. When my Auntie Jo died. And then when my Uncle Al died. He was there. Always there.

I don't know if we'll ever get back to where we once were. Or if we were ever meant to be a couple. But I do know something, he is an amazing friend. Because no matter what has gone on between us, he's been here, when I need him. It scares me, to think that he might not be here one day. But for now, he's my soft place to land. And I'm glad I have him. ♥

His Birthday and a Little Singing

Today is the "Cowboy's" birthday. How do I know? Because he called me this morning. When I was on my way home. He just felt like talking. And he was getting ready to head home. For a class or something.

How did I find out it was his birthday? Because as we were talking, one of his buddies wished him a Happy Birthday. The funny thing was, he was trying to make me feel better. You know, after all the work I've been doing. And all the stress I've been under. He is just too sweet.

Our conversation actually started with him singing me "Good Morning Beautiful." He honestly is just too sweet! And he really does make my days better. Just with little calls like this one. As soon as he started to sing the words, a smile just came across my face. It's still there! :)

I feel bad though. Because I didn't know it was his birthday. I didn't get him a card or anything. I'm going out of town tomorrow. You know the drill. But I promised to make him a big birthday cake. I just didn't think it out though. How I was going to get it to him?

Before we hung up, I sang Happy Birthday to him. I swear, if I could have seen his face, it would have been bright red! I could just see that sideways smile of his. And I probably would have seen the twinkle in his eyes. You know, some people are just born with that. But he shyly told me "Thank you." He never expected that I'd really sing to him. You could honestly hear the happiness in his voice.

But more than anything, I hope he has a great birthday! He really is an amazing man. Generous, sweet, and caring. There are not many men out there like him. Trust me. As a single woman, I know this. But today, I just want him to have a nice day. Happy Birthday Handsome! ♥

Mi Cucu

Oh, this song! It brings back so many memories. So many! Have you ever heard "Mi Cucu?" Well, when I was about 3 years old, my Nanie used to blast this on the radio. But the english version, "Don't Mess with My Tutu." And we'd go wild. Singing and dancing. I think my Tatie thought we were going nuts. And it was my song until I was at least 12 or 13 years old. That's when I stopped going to sleep at their house.

Fast forward a few years. I think I was 19 years old. And I started singing with a Nortena band. Just when we didn't have Mariachi gigs. It was a favor to one of my professors/friends, Memo. Well, this song came on during a break at our first gig. The first gig I was at. And I knew all the words. Hello! I'd been listening to it for years!

So I sang along and danced with one of the guys from the band. Have I mentioned? I love me a good cumbia too! We had a good time. And by the next gig, I was singing this onstage. Soon, my friend Sanchoncito seen me singing this song. And he told the Mariachi. Well, it became "La Chiquitita's song." No lie! We'd walk into the Convention Center to play, and another Mariachi (our friends) would start playing it!

"Mi Cucu" just took on a life of it's own. Something like "Who Let the Dogs Out" did with the Mariachi from my hometown. Yes, the same thing! So I sang and I danced. No matter where we played. Mexico, here, on the road. Wherever! And that is probably the first song I ever learned how to flirt with the audience with. I will say, that teal traje really came in handy. The one that I could barely sit down in. Perfect for a good Cumbia.

Well, these days, I stick to dancing to this song. Although, a few weeks ago, we did break it out. I sang it at a gig. Berto and I danced with each other, then with some of the people at the party we were playing at. I still love it. It makes me smile every single time I hear it. And who doesn't like a little Cumbia action? Especially with a good dance partner. ♥

A Day of Mariachi

This is some of the beautiful music that I have the pleasure and privilege of playing today. I just love Mariachi music! It has a truly special place in my heart. The music is beautiful. I feel like I'm helping our culture to live a little longer every single time I play. Not to mention, I feel like I can bring a sense of pride to our heritage.

Almost 15 years ago, I started on this amazing path. It has not all been hearts and sugar pops. I had to work hard. Find a place I fit in. And a group that respected me. But it has been worth it. I get to play in Mariachi. One of my dreams in life. And I've met some of the most amazing people. People that will be in my life, for a lifetime. Friends that have become mi familia. I'm honored. And so glad God send me on this journey. :)

I really am honored to put on a traje and call myself a Mariachi. Today, I'm playing with my friends. Being with them, it just makes the day that much more amazing! And I can't wait to spend the day making beautiful music, meeting new people, and dancing with mis payasos! ♥

Making Music

This weekend is one of those super busy ones. The kind that at first glance, you get really excited for. 2 weeks ago, I couldn't wait for this weekend. Because it's a holiday weekend. Then I realized I was going to be working all weekend. And I was playing in the symphony. Don't forget Emma's baptismo. It's very busy!

But as I quickly got dressed last night, I got really excited. It all of a sudden came rushing at me. I'm playing in the symphony again! OK, I'm going to be honest, it's not my favorite place to play. But I do enjoy it. A lot! There is just something about putting on your "Concert Black" and knowing you are going to be playing in a beautiful theater. It just makes all of your body fill up with love and happiness!

And last night, as I was double checking; making sure I had my passport card, my violin, and everything I would need, I just smiled. Because it might not be the most convenient job that I have. Or the safest. But it's honestly, one of the things I enjoy most. I feel so elegant, alive, and blessed when I take that stage. You are making music with at least 100 other musicians. Taking people back into time. Honoring our past, and building our future.

Music is the only real constant I've had in my life. The thing that I can depend on 100%. The place I go to when life becomes too tough. When I'm happy, I dance to the most lively beats. And when I'm sad, I'm not afraid to cry to the sad notes of years past. Making music is a gift, that I Thank My Dear Lord for every single day! ♥