They Don't Get It

Sometimes, I'd like to scream. More because people don't get it. My 11th hour Hail Mary...well, it didn't come. And today, was the day I had my meeting, with all the people that are associated with my internship. And no one understands, I really want to stay in my internship. I just can't afford to.

It's black and white. No grey areas at all. I just can't afford it. I'm looking at close to $15,000 a semester. I'm carry pretty much all of it, on my own. Paid at the end of each semester. It's tough. And at times, it feels nearly impossible. I borrow from J a lot to make the last few payments. Or in the case of the last year, I've heavily depended on him. It's impossible for me to do this on my own anymore. In fact, it has reached impossible. My Dad just doesn't get it. Not at all. I sit and explain to him a thousand and one different ways. He still doesn't understand.

And my Dean, professors, internship advisors, and academic advisors, well, they don't get it either. I can barely handle tuition/books or internship/insurance. I just can't handle both anymore. And they just want me to get a loan. But I want to finish school without one. At least until I hit medical school. Because I know what the costs are going to be there. So there we are. In a hole.

I need my internship to take my classes. But I can't afford it. So I'm taking 2 classes in the Fall. Praying that a dietetic internship comes available before December. And I'm looking for a real PAYING job. Because I'm not making it. So 2 classes, no internship, and a paying job. That's my plan.

How in the world did I afford it before now? I worked. I worked in a band. A few bands. But 1 in particular, I made 99% of my money with. I busted my rear end, traveled, played and sang...and never spent the money. But now, the guys are getting married and having kids. Our band is more of a casual hobby. And I'm pretty much out of work. So I have no money.

My parents helped a little with tuition last Spring. But I was still carrying 85% of the costs. And now, well I have no money for books or tuition. So the internship is out the door. And it crushes my heart and soul. But what am I supposed to do? The only big assets I have are my house and my car. Both are pretty essential. All of my money that I saved since I was a baby, well it's tied up in CDs and bank accounts with my Dad. He doesn't think I need it...

It's beyond tough to walk away from your dream. Especially when so many people are pulling for you. And it's all you want to do. And I'm good at it! Damn good. But I can't do it. I need to work to continue with my internship, but my internship doesn't allow much time away from school and the hospital. It's a total Catch 22.

Today really sucks. My soul feels empty. And my heart is broken. I feel like I've let so many people down. But most importantly, I've let myself down. And then, my Dad yells at me. Seriously? I'm the only one trying to halfway make a better life for myself. Doing it on my own. And he has the nerve to yell at me? I just don't get it. So much for calling my parents this evening.

For now, I have to reassess things. Figure out what my next move is. Seriously contemplate if I should be in school or not. And I need to find a decent job. I don't mind scrubbing toilets and changing diapers. I just need a job that pays halfway decent. I've never really been a big spender. You can definitely tell from my house. I've been here for 9 years, I still don't have all the furniture I need. Heck, only 2 rooms have curtains. So you can see, I sacrifice. I'm just not sure if those sacrifices are paying off.

I need to go now. Wipe away my tears. Hope that my eyes don't continue to look blood shot. I'm working tonight with the Mariachi group. And I have to look nice. I really do hope my mood picks up a bit. Because I feel a lot like this weather...gloomy, dark, and rainy. Not the best when you need to put on a show. But I'm hoping, at least my friends understand. And maybe they can help me to find the next road I need to take in life. ♥