In case you are wondering, my life is not always filled with drama. Sometimes, really good things happen. Like next Saturday, I'm standing in a wedding. For 2 of my best friends. And I'm the "Maid of Honor."
C bought me a gorgeous dress to wear for the rehearsal. Because it's going to be a very dressy event and she's such a sweet person. So I've got this beautiful chocolatey, bronze number to wear. And I was wondering about what to do with my hair and makeup. M is doing all of our hair and makeup, but I was looking for some ideas.
During my break just now, I went to Carly's blog to take a look. I was hoping to find something fun. And Carly did not disappoint! I originally found Carly through her YouTube channel. And I just love the makeup that she does!
Today I found this video! And it is perfect for the rehearsal. I sent it to M and she said it's perfect. We've got our makeup look ready for next Friday. Now to find some hair ideas...
Well, I hope you have a great Friday! And if you're a makeup lover, take a look at this video. You will enjoy it! I promise. Happy Friday! ♥
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Life is Funny...
One minute someone is telling me hurtful and awful things. My heart is broken into a million pieces. And I'm just drained. Physically and emotionally. Then I walk into church. A place that I feel so safe and loved in, and start to feel better. My heart and soul begin to heal.
I go to mass during the week. At least twice, sometimes 3 times. And it makes me feel better. All of a sudden, people aren't judging me. They're loving me. I'm surrounded by God and people that really do love me. Not because they have to, but because they want to. At the end of the day, I can say that much. My friends love me. And their kids, there is nothing I'd rather see than those smiling little faces.
As I felt emotionally spent and completely exhausted, I turned to God tonight and asked him for patients, his love, his knowledge, guidance, and a little faith. I needed it. I know people say things without thinking them through. But it doesn't make them hurt any less. Words are powerful. And they sting.
But tonight, when I walked into church, I was met with a hug from Papa Rene. And these smiling little faces that I love so much! Welcomed into the pew where my friends sat. And I was surrounded by love. Love that is much needed and Welcomed. I forget how important love is. And a night like tonight, it was Welcomed and needed.
The words we heard in mass, were powerful. And about love and forgiveness. Very fitting for the day I had. Holding babies, who tightly grasped my fingers, and feeling hugs from little girls, it just helped to heal my soul and my heart even more. :)
I didn't grow up with this kind of love and affection. And forget very easily, just how important it is. But tonight, God sent me all this love. Because he knew, I needed it. I needed it as much as I needed air. And the big bear hug from Memo, well it's the kind of hug I wish I could get from my own Dad.
At the end of mass, like every mass I go to, Papa Rene hugs each of us individually. And blesses us. I got an extra little prayer tonight. I think he just knew I needed it. And Memo invited us all over for dinner. But I was spent. As much as I needed my friends, I needed some rest too. Memo understood.
He slipped me $10 to go pick up something to eat. And told me to go home and rest. Isn't that such a "Dad" thing to do? I think so. I skipped my grocery shopping. Drove to get a burrito and came home.
I spent 30 minutes watching the birds and eating. Trying to remind myself of all the good things I have in life. Of all the good that God has sent my way. Remembering how strong I am. And how much I've survived. There has to be a reason I'm still here. And then I get that call. From the tiny little voice that I love so very much. And heart just grew with love. It was Sarita.
My dear Goddaughter who is fighting for her life. She called because she told me that she knew her Nana needed some love tonight. Her "Angel" had told her that. She definitely put a smile on my face. And we talked for almost an hour. About 'Rella and Papa Memo. About the birdies and what we are going to do when she comes home. I miss her. And I now realize, there are more important things in life. Beginning and ending with the people that really matter. The ones that make your life better, simply by knowing them.
I know that. I've always known that. My little angel reminded me of that tonight. No matter how hard life gets, you can't give up. If Sarita can fight cancer, I can fight all these things that are coming at me. But most of all, I've learned how powerful love is. We just know when someone needs our love. Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and tell someone just how much you love them. It might just make their day! ♥
Overload of Emotions
It's crazy! Today was supposed to be all about me signing papers. The papers that would say, if anything were to happen to S and D, Maribel would become my daughter. Yes, I'm her Nana. And her parents asked me to take her in case anything were to happen to them. They asked A to take Marissa and Mariella. And they asked us if we could co-parent the girls. We are both very honored that they trust us so very much!
It was a big day. Later in the summer, they'll do the same for their new twins. They'll go with their respective Godparents. And it was a big day. I felt a HUGE surge of responsibility. Like one day, Maribel could possibly be mine. I hope I don't screw this up! She is their daughter, and I want to do the best I can. How on Earth do they think I can do this? I guess people see more good in me, than I see in myself.
And that my friends, was supposed to be the emotional day I was to have. Ending with a quick lunch and me heading back to work. But someone out there in the universe, thinks I need more emotion. And they sent me truck loads today. It began when I returned to work after lunch. And Dr. S was all up on me. Because he received his paperwork that I will be finished with my internship on July 9, 2010.
Why? You probably want to know that. Well, I was supposed to be done with it back in May. I'm dead broke. I have no money. And I actually have to pay for my internship. I don't get paid a red cent! But I've managed. At least, thus far. Now, our gigs are farther and farther apart. The little bit of money I make working for J goes to me getting better physical and mentally. The whole computer dying...well it didn't help my bank account either. It leaves me with no money for school. Much less an internship that costs nearly $8000 a semester.
I had managed to save up some money. Some money I was going to use for my Fall tuition. But Dr. S and the Dean of Ag managed to talk me into just one more semester of my internship. I wasn't sure. But when Dr. S agreed to pay for my insurance. And the Dean threw in $500, well I couldn't say no. How could anyone?
So I pitched in my almost $1200. Dr. M bought my scrubs. And I borrowed the rest from J. I knew it was a temporary fix. But it allowed me a few more weeks on the job. And that, I couldn't resist. I know there are many people pulling for me to succeed. But sometimes, the desire, passion, and talent are not enough. I just can't do this anymore. I have no money. So the next semester for my internship begins July 12, 2010. I won't be there. Therefore, I'm forfeiting the remainder of my internship.
It saddens my heart to no end. I cried for weeks knowing that it was coming. But there is nothing left for me to do. Not a darn thing. Believe me, I've tried. But I just don't feel right asking my parents to help me. And I can't possibly borrow another cent from J. He's too good of a friend.
So today, instead of Rounds, I sat in Dr. S's office and got yelled at. For 3 hours. I tried to keep it together. But the tears came. I couldn't hold them back. Because this is what I want to do with my life. I just don't have the means to do it. I respect Dr. S to the ends of the Earth. He has made me the "Doctor-in-training" that I am. And now, Dr. S is mad and disappointed in me. And in a few short weeks, I won't work in the hospital. And I won't work with my kiddos...
It was bad. I cried. I couldn't look at Dr. S for the rest of the day. My heart broke every single time I saw one of my patients. This is what I was put on Earth to do. Be a pediatrician. But I can't do it. When it came time to leave, I was slightly relieved. And looked forward to a peaceful evening...
Then I'm on my way home. It's been a hell of a day! And I just want 5 minutes of peace before I have to go to church. My Dad calls. He never calls me. I have to call them. And if I don't call every single day, it's like having to face God and Satan at the same time. I usually call my parents when I get home from work. So this was HUGE surprise! And my Dad never really talks to me on the phone. Our conversations usually go,
Dad: "Hi. How are you? How's the weather? How was work?"
Me: "Hi Dad. It's hot. Really hot. Work was work. I'm on my way home. How's your leg?"
Dad: "It's hot as hell here. My legs OK."
Then I usually hear him ask my Mom if she wants to talk to me. We will usually talk for 30 minutes to an hour. But not today. Dad was pissed. I could just tell. And he talked. And said all these sideways comments. And I knew he was mad. And I was already all emotional. My eyes still stung from crying earlier. And it really was hot in my car. I was trying to make the hour drive home. That was quickly turning into 90 minutes because of construction and traffic. Oh the heat was bad!
And my Dad kept on and on and on. I knew he was mad. Then I said something about having to go to the store after mass. He just blew up on me. I pulled over. Because, well, no need to cause an accident as my Dad is telling me off. Over what? Because I need to go buy some water. Sorry, but we're in the middle of an extreme heat wave. In case he's forgotten, I don't have AC at home. I might be the only one in the entire Borderland without AC. I need some water.
Yes, all I mentioned was that I needed to go pick up some water. And maybe some groceries. Because you know, I get hungry from time to time too. Lord help me for needing to eat and stay cool. And he just went off. Honestly, a few bucks is not going to make or break me at this point. I have no money. What's $2 in water? And maybe $10 in groceries. But I made the fatal error of mentioning a trip to Costco with J tomorrow...
That's when the yelling began, and my tears just flowed. Why does he have to constantly yell? Shouldn't he be happy that I have someone to lean on a little here? I don't have a Costco card because I can't afford it. And honestly, I only need to go maybe once a year to buy some toilet paper and laundry soap. So what's the big deal? My Dad has known that for over 2 years, I haven't had a card. And I've never asked him for one. I know he gets them for his employees. But I don't need one. Not for 1-2 trips a year. He just started yelling at me because of J. Would it be so bad if a good man like J wanted to take care of me? Apparently so...
At this point, I guess I'm not good enough to be a happy person. I should be miserable at home. And no, it's not OK for anyone, especially a man, to lend me a helping hand. Funny thing is, I don't lean on anyone. I might cry a little when things get bad. And yes, I'm not going to lie, I go to J or Memo to talk about things. And well, yes, I usually cry too. But it's not like J is doing anything for me other than being my friend.
But honestly, tomorrow, I'm meeting J to pick up a thing of toilet paper, some laundry soap, and maybe some tuna. And if I don't find water again tonight, I might buy some tomorrow. It's not that big of a deal. But to my Dad, it sure as hell was. And he yelled and yelled. And told me how ungrateful I am. And why is he even living because no one appreciates him anyhow. Um, Dad, you taught me to stand on my own 2 feet. To not need anyone, to do things for myself. I'm just trying to do that. And grow up. But he just yelled. Which made me cry...
And why was that? Because I try so hard to make him proud. And I try so hard to be financially independent. And I can't do it anymore. And I'm falling apart here. And I don't want to burden my parents. And I most certainly don't want to disappoint them either! But my Dad doesn't see it that way. I don't do enough in his eyes. I'm dropping the ball everywhere he's concerned. And why in the hell am I spending my own money on some of life's necessities?
I had to remind him that I'm 27 years old. I've lived on my own since I was 18. And I need to do these things. Whether or not I struggle, it's part of growing up. Hell, most people in my family, at my age, have at least 3 kids. But here I am, trying to make it through college, and everything I do is wrong.
Well, the fight with me was interrupted by some other fight. With who? I have no clue. But he hung up on me. And there I was. On the side of the highway, crying. Because my Dad just doesn't get it. Maybe my 59 year old brother is OK with being a full time mooch. But I'm not. And if I have to leave school for a while, and live off of boiled macaroni, and sweat all summer long...well I will.
And no matter how much yelling Dr. S does, I can't responsibly sign up for another semester of school. And no matter if I have no food, I will never go to my parents for a handout. Because I'm an adult. I have to stand on my own 2 feet. That's what responsible adults do.
And then I think about earlier today. 2 of my very best friends are trusting to raise their daughter, if they are not here to do it. So I must not be a bad person. They have to see some good in me to trust me with someone as special, loving, and as important as Maribel is. That right there, softens my heart a little. And reminds me, there is good in this life.
Now it's time for me to go. Or I'll be late to mass. And tonight of all nights, I need some love from God. And my favorite little girls. I'm proud to me their Tia/Nana. And big hug from Memo wouldn't be so bad either. He really is like a father figure to me. And Bless your soul if you made it this far. You really have a special place in my heart, simply for caring this much. ♥
It was a big day. Later in the summer, they'll do the same for their new twins. They'll go with their respective Godparents. And it was a big day. I felt a HUGE surge of responsibility. Like one day, Maribel could possibly be mine. I hope I don't screw this up! She is their daughter, and I want to do the best I can. How on Earth do they think I can do this? I guess people see more good in me, than I see in myself.
And that my friends, was supposed to be the emotional day I was to have. Ending with a quick lunch and me heading back to work. But someone out there in the universe, thinks I need more emotion. And they sent me truck loads today. It began when I returned to work after lunch. And Dr. S was all up on me. Because he received his paperwork that I will be finished with my internship on July 9, 2010.
Why? You probably want to know that. Well, I was supposed to be done with it back in May. I'm dead broke. I have no money. And I actually have to pay for my internship. I don't get paid a red cent! But I've managed. At least, thus far. Now, our gigs are farther and farther apart. The little bit of money I make working for J goes to me getting better physical and mentally. The whole computer dying...well it didn't help my bank account either. It leaves me with no money for school. Much less an internship that costs nearly $8000 a semester.
I had managed to save up some money. Some money I was going to use for my Fall tuition. But Dr. S and the Dean of Ag managed to talk me into just one more semester of my internship. I wasn't sure. But when Dr. S agreed to pay for my insurance. And the Dean threw in $500, well I couldn't say no. How could anyone?
So I pitched in my almost $1200. Dr. M bought my scrubs. And I borrowed the rest from J. I knew it was a temporary fix. But it allowed me a few more weeks on the job. And that, I couldn't resist. I know there are many people pulling for me to succeed. But sometimes, the desire, passion, and talent are not enough. I just can't do this anymore. I have no money. So the next semester for my internship begins July 12, 2010. I won't be there. Therefore, I'm forfeiting the remainder of my internship.
It saddens my heart to no end. I cried for weeks knowing that it was coming. But there is nothing left for me to do. Not a darn thing. Believe me, I've tried. But I just don't feel right asking my parents to help me. And I can't possibly borrow another cent from J. He's too good of a friend.
So today, instead of Rounds, I sat in Dr. S's office and got yelled at. For 3 hours. I tried to keep it together. But the tears came. I couldn't hold them back. Because this is what I want to do with my life. I just don't have the means to do it. I respect Dr. S to the ends of the Earth. He has made me the "Doctor-in-training" that I am. And now, Dr. S is mad and disappointed in me. And in a few short weeks, I won't work in the hospital. And I won't work with my kiddos...
It was bad. I cried. I couldn't look at Dr. S for the rest of the day. My heart broke every single time I saw one of my patients. This is what I was put on Earth to do. Be a pediatrician. But I can't do it. When it came time to leave, I was slightly relieved. And looked forward to a peaceful evening...
Then I'm on my way home. It's been a hell of a day! And I just want 5 minutes of peace before I have to go to church. My Dad calls. He never calls me. I have to call them. And if I don't call every single day, it's like having to face God and Satan at the same time. I usually call my parents when I get home from work. So this was HUGE surprise! And my Dad never really talks to me on the phone. Our conversations usually go,
Dad: "Hi. How are you? How's the weather? How was work?"
Me: "Hi Dad. It's hot. Really hot. Work was work. I'm on my way home. How's your leg?"
Dad: "It's hot as hell here. My legs OK."
Then I usually hear him ask my Mom if she wants to talk to me. We will usually talk for 30 minutes to an hour. But not today. Dad was pissed. I could just tell. And he talked. And said all these sideways comments. And I knew he was mad. And I was already all emotional. My eyes still stung from crying earlier. And it really was hot in my car. I was trying to make the hour drive home. That was quickly turning into 90 minutes because of construction and traffic. Oh the heat was bad!
And my Dad kept on and on and on. I knew he was mad. Then I said something about having to go to the store after mass. He just blew up on me. I pulled over. Because, well, no need to cause an accident as my Dad is telling me off. Over what? Because I need to go buy some water. Sorry, but we're in the middle of an extreme heat wave. In case he's forgotten, I don't have AC at home. I might be the only one in the entire Borderland without AC. I need some water.
Yes, all I mentioned was that I needed to go pick up some water. And maybe some groceries. Because you know, I get hungry from time to time too. Lord help me for needing to eat and stay cool. And he just went off. Honestly, a few bucks is not going to make or break me at this point. I have no money. What's $2 in water? And maybe $10 in groceries. But I made the fatal error of mentioning a trip to Costco with J tomorrow...
That's when the yelling began, and my tears just flowed. Why does he have to constantly yell? Shouldn't he be happy that I have someone to lean on a little here? I don't have a Costco card because I can't afford it. And honestly, I only need to go maybe once a year to buy some toilet paper and laundry soap. So what's the big deal? My Dad has known that for over 2 years, I haven't had a card. And I've never asked him for one. I know he gets them for his employees. But I don't need one. Not for 1-2 trips a year. He just started yelling at me because of J. Would it be so bad if a good man like J wanted to take care of me? Apparently so...
At this point, I guess I'm not good enough to be a happy person. I should be miserable at home. And no, it's not OK for anyone, especially a man, to lend me a helping hand. Funny thing is, I don't lean on anyone. I might cry a little when things get bad. And yes, I'm not going to lie, I go to J or Memo to talk about things. And well, yes, I usually cry too. But it's not like J is doing anything for me other than being my friend.
But honestly, tomorrow, I'm meeting J to pick up a thing of toilet paper, some laundry soap, and maybe some tuna. And if I don't find water again tonight, I might buy some tomorrow. It's not that big of a deal. But to my Dad, it sure as hell was. And he yelled and yelled. And told me how ungrateful I am. And why is he even living because no one appreciates him anyhow. Um, Dad, you taught me to stand on my own 2 feet. To not need anyone, to do things for myself. I'm just trying to do that. And grow up. But he just yelled. Which made me cry...
And why was that? Because I try so hard to make him proud. And I try so hard to be financially independent. And I can't do it anymore. And I'm falling apart here. And I don't want to burden my parents. And I most certainly don't want to disappoint them either! But my Dad doesn't see it that way. I don't do enough in his eyes. I'm dropping the ball everywhere he's concerned. And why in the hell am I spending my own money on some of life's necessities?
I had to remind him that I'm 27 years old. I've lived on my own since I was 18. And I need to do these things. Whether or not I struggle, it's part of growing up. Hell, most people in my family, at my age, have at least 3 kids. But here I am, trying to make it through college, and everything I do is wrong.
Well, the fight with me was interrupted by some other fight. With who? I have no clue. But he hung up on me. And there I was. On the side of the highway, crying. Because my Dad just doesn't get it. Maybe my 59 year old brother is OK with being a full time mooch. But I'm not. And if I have to leave school for a while, and live off of boiled macaroni, and sweat all summer long...well I will.
And no matter how much yelling Dr. S does, I can't responsibly sign up for another semester of school. And no matter if I have no food, I will never go to my parents for a handout. Because I'm an adult. I have to stand on my own 2 feet. That's what responsible adults do.
And then I think about earlier today. 2 of my very best friends are trusting to raise their daughter, if they are not here to do it. So I must not be a bad person. They have to see some good in me to trust me with someone as special, loving, and as important as Maribel is. That right there, softens my heart a little. And reminds me, there is good in this life.
Now it's time for me to go. Or I'll be late to mass. And tonight of all nights, I need some love from God. And my favorite little girls. I'm proud to me their Tia/Nana. And big hug from Memo wouldn't be so bad either. He really is like a father figure to me. And Bless your soul if you made it this far. You really have a special place in my heart, simply for caring this much. ♥
Monday, June 7, 2010
Open to the Possibilities
I had this intimate conversation with a good friend today. Albeit over the phone, during my lunch break. But it got me thinking. As much as I really enjoyed spending time with my parents and taking care of them this past week, I'm ready for someone to love. Yes, I enjoyed getting the chance to go home and take care of my Mom and Dad. Making sure my Mom got her eye drops. Helping my Dad with his leg. Making them dinner. It was a great few days. But I'm ready for someone to love.
I think I'm finally in that place were I'm ready to "Welcome" a relationship into my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and realize I missed out on the really important things in life. I don't want my entire life to encompass work and the hospital.
I want to find someone to share this life with. A man who can appreciate my goofiness. And my love of the outdoors. Who can appreciate my "Palm Tree" hairdo, and sunburned skin. One day, I want to be making baby things for my baby. I think with my best friend expecting her little girl, it's really got me thinking. There is definitely more to life than my work. 100 hours a week in a hospital...there has to be more to life!
I guess I'm tired of going home to an empty house. I'm tired of going to events alone. And being around all of my "coupled" friends. There has to be something said for being the youngest in my group of friends, and being the only single female. It's not always the funniest place to be. Not when my male friends act as if I'm their kid sister. And I need protecting from any male within 100 miles.
But I just think more things in my life are changing. I'm finally embracing the changes. And I'm ready to start my own life. For so long, I've been living for other people. Trying to make them happy. It's time for me to start doing that for myself.
I'm not on the "prowl" for a man. No way! But if someone happens along my path, I'm not going to be so quick to turn away. I know in my lifetime, I've walked away from a few good men. The timing just wasn't right for me. And now, most of them are good friends. But you just never know what the future has in store for you. You just have to be open to the possibilities. ♥
I think I'm finally in that place were I'm ready to "Welcome" a relationship into my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and realize I missed out on the really important things in life. I don't want my entire life to encompass work and the hospital.
I want to find someone to share this life with. A man who can appreciate my goofiness. And my love of the outdoors. Who can appreciate my "Palm Tree" hairdo, and sunburned skin. One day, I want to be making baby things for my baby. I think with my best friend expecting her little girl, it's really got me thinking. There is definitely more to life than my work. 100 hours a week in a hospital...there has to be more to life!
I guess I'm tired of going home to an empty house. I'm tired of going to events alone. And being around all of my "coupled" friends. There has to be something said for being the youngest in my group of friends, and being the only single female. It's not always the funniest place to be. Not when my male friends act as if I'm their kid sister. And I need protecting from any male within 100 miles.
But I just think more things in my life are changing. I'm finally embracing the changes. And I'm ready to start my own life. For so long, I've been living for other people. Trying to make them happy. It's time for me to start doing that for myself.
I'm not on the "prowl" for a man. No way! But if someone happens along my path, I'm not going to be so quick to turn away. I know in my lifetime, I've walked away from a few good men. The timing just wasn't right for me. And now, most of them are good friends. But you just never know what the future has in store for you. You just have to be open to the possibilities. ♥
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Lip Conditioning
When I first began performing, I was all on my own. Trying to learn all kinds of tips and tricks. Makeup application and hair seemed to be my enemy. Especially when I was melting under the sun. But over the years, and thanks to my friend/makeup artist M, I've finally started to tackle some of those makeup problems that were HUGE issues for me. Like bold lips...
I always had issues with bold lips. Because my lips were dry. And they'd peel. So much so, that my lips actually hurt. But wearing red lipstick was just as much part of my uniform as the traje itself. And I needed to find some ways to make my lips stop peeling, and my lipstick to stay on.
Of course, I drink plenty of water. All the time! It helps with everything from your skin, to your hair, and obviously, your lips. But even water consumption can only go so far...especially in the desert.
But living in the desert and wearing lipstick daily, well is dries out your lips a lot! No matter what the brand of lipstick it is, YSL, MAC, Wet-n-Wild, Covergirl, Estee Lauder etc. You just have to keep in mind, when you wear a highly pigmented color, it dries out your lips. And as a stage performer and musician, I frequently wear red, dark wine, or bright pinks.
Early on, I used a toothbrush to help with my peeling lips. After I brush my teeth at night, I use this treatment. I bought a child sized, soft toothbrush, and I brush my lips. Make sure both your lips and the toothbrush are wet, and softly brush over both your top and bottom lips. It takes off all the dead skin, and brings the blood to the surface of your lips. I have highly pigmented lips naturally. But after this step, my lips are usually a bright berry color. And smooth as can be.
Sometimes I'll make a paste out of sugar and olive oil (preferably brown sugar) and rub it around my lips. It's like an "At Home" sugar scrub. Rinse it off and pat dry. Then I lather up my lips in Carmex before I go to bed. That's really important! It brings back the moisture to your lips. And leaves them feeling tingly and so soft!
During the day, I moisturize my lips often. Very often! One of my favorite products are Nivea "A Kiss of Shine" lipglosses. Or my trusty Carmex. But never let your lips get dry. That's when they crack and start to peel.
The Aquafina "Fruit Splash" lip balms are also amazing! They're moisturizing without being greasy. And they come in wonderful flavors!
But the key steps start right before makeup application. M (my friend and MUA) will moisturize my face. Then she'll take Carmex and really coat my lips with it. Way more than you will ever use normally! M then takes a Q-tip and gently rubs it over my lips. This takes off any kind of dead skin, roughness, extra products, etc. The blood comes to the skin, and not only are your lips smooth, but they also look plumper.
When M is done with that, I will put on a good layer of Blistex "Deep Renewal" lip balm. I use this during the day to moisturize with as well. But always before lipstick application. It also has an SPF 15. It's a very good product to use during the day.
We always do this before we begin makeup application. That's important. It gives the lips time to absorb all the moisture before adding the drying lipstick. My lipstick application is always the last thing I do as well. Right at the end, M will line my lips in a clear lip liner. Then using a lip brush, she will apply my lipstick.
I hope that helps. I have almost no peeling of my lips anymore. My lipstick has never looked nicer. Using this method, I can easily perform a show without worrying about my lipstick. It stays on for hours! And the overall condition of my lips is amazing! ♥
I always had issues with bold lips. Because my lips were dry. And they'd peel. So much so, that my lips actually hurt. But wearing red lipstick was just as much part of my uniform as the traje itself. And I needed to find some ways to make my lips stop peeling, and my lipstick to stay on.
Of course, I drink plenty of water. All the time! It helps with everything from your skin, to your hair, and obviously, your lips. But even water consumption can only go so far...especially in the desert.
But living in the desert and wearing lipstick daily, well is dries out your lips a lot! No matter what the brand of lipstick it is, YSL, MAC, Wet-n-Wild, Covergirl, Estee Lauder etc. You just have to keep in mind, when you wear a highly pigmented color, it dries out your lips. And as a stage performer and musician, I frequently wear red, dark wine, or bright pinks.
Early on, I used a toothbrush to help with my peeling lips. After I brush my teeth at night, I use this treatment. I bought a child sized, soft toothbrush, and I brush my lips. Make sure both your lips and the toothbrush are wet, and softly brush over both your top and bottom lips. It takes off all the dead skin, and brings the blood to the surface of your lips. I have highly pigmented lips naturally. But after this step, my lips are usually a bright berry color. And smooth as can be.
Sometimes I'll make a paste out of sugar and olive oil (preferably brown sugar) and rub it around my lips. It's like an "At Home" sugar scrub. Rinse it off and pat dry. Then I lather up my lips in Carmex before I go to bed. That's really important! It brings back the moisture to your lips. And leaves them feeling tingly and so soft!
During the day, I moisturize my lips often. Very often! One of my favorite products are Nivea "A Kiss of Shine" lipglosses. Or my trusty Carmex. But never let your lips get dry. That's when they crack and start to peel.
The Aquafina "Fruit Splash" lip balms are also amazing! They're moisturizing without being greasy. And they come in wonderful flavors!
But the key steps start right before makeup application. M (my friend and MUA) will moisturize my face. Then she'll take Carmex and really coat my lips with it. Way more than you will ever use normally! M then takes a Q-tip and gently rubs it over my lips. This takes off any kind of dead skin, roughness, extra products, etc. The blood comes to the skin, and not only are your lips smooth, but they also look plumper.
When M is done with that, I will put on a good layer of Blistex "Deep Renewal" lip balm. I use this during the day to moisturize with as well. But always before lipstick application. It also has an SPF 15. It's a very good product to use during the day.
We always do this before we begin makeup application. That's important. It gives the lips time to absorb all the moisture before adding the drying lipstick. My lipstick application is always the last thing I do as well. Right at the end, M will line my lips in a clear lip liner. Then using a lip brush, she will apply my lipstick.
I hope that helps. I have almost no peeling of my lips anymore. My lipstick has never looked nicer. Using this method, I can easily perform a show without worrying about my lipstick. It stays on for hours! And the overall condition of my lips is amazing! ♥
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Can Stress Break a Family?
In short, yes it can! I'm still in shock about the series of events, that have unfolded in the last 26 hours. I'm probably just in shock. I can't believe that I feel this bad. Or that things have gotten this bad for myself. But I'm just one small part of this equation.
Somehow, complete strangers can see past the smiles. Past the strength I try to show. And they see me. The real woman inside. She's a shattered person. Somewhat representative of this woman that I once was. But so far away from that same person, it leaves me in shock. In complete shock!
The other part of my equation is my family. The same family that I am supposed to lean on and depend on. But I can't. Because I'm having to carry them along with me. I'm having to carry their burdens, their pain, and their anger. Why? Because I'm supposed to be the strong one. The one that fixes all their messes. The one that is supposed to make their wrongs into rights. But it's too much.
Do I think work is partly to blame? It sure is. Do I think all the extra family drama is to blame? Heck ya! The 1 extra person...that makes a big difference too! I don't care who you are, you also need your own space. Privacy. As a young woman, I couldn't imagine having to live with my parents again. You lack that privacy. In the same respect, how do they function with another person living with them? All this stress adds up. And it boils over.
If you are like us, we hold it inside. Each of us dealing with it differently. I hold it in, until I'm about to explode. I don't talk to anyone about the issues that bother me. I don't share at all. Until it breaks me. And I'm usually around J when that happens. He is my rock that I lean on. God Bless my friend. Because Lord knows, he has to deal with a lot! My mom, she also doesn't talk. Then one day, 1 thing goes wrong, and well...she just goes on this yelling thing. My dad, he calls me and unloads everything on me. And in any case, I'm the one trying to make it better.
Not only am I currently trying to hold my life together, but I'm holding every one's life together too. It's beyond difficult. It's more than just my stress. More than trying to put together $3 for bread and noodles. It's holding lots of lives in my hands. Trying to make everyone come out the other end. Making sure we are all OK when this blows over.
I'm too tired to deal with all of this at the moment. I'm going to start another 36 hour shift. Trying to make it until Monday. Scared out of my mind. But sure that God will be right at my side. Guiding me. And with that, I know we will all make it. Somehow, I'm still not sure how. But we will make it. ♥
Somehow, complete strangers can see past the smiles. Past the strength I try to show. And they see me. The real woman inside. She's a shattered person. Somewhat representative of this woman that I once was. But so far away from that same person, it leaves me in shock. In complete shock!
The other part of my equation is my family. The same family that I am supposed to lean on and depend on. But I can't. Because I'm having to carry them along with me. I'm having to carry their burdens, their pain, and their anger. Why? Because I'm supposed to be the strong one. The one that fixes all their messes. The one that is supposed to make their wrongs into rights. But it's too much.
Do I think work is partly to blame? It sure is. Do I think all the extra family drama is to blame? Heck ya! The 1 extra person...that makes a big difference too! I don't care who you are, you also need your own space. Privacy. As a young woman, I couldn't imagine having to live with my parents again. You lack that privacy. In the same respect, how do they function with another person living with them? All this stress adds up. And it boils over.
If you are like us, we hold it inside. Each of us dealing with it differently. I hold it in, until I'm about to explode. I don't talk to anyone about the issues that bother me. I don't share at all. Until it breaks me. And I'm usually around J when that happens. He is my rock that I lean on. God Bless my friend. Because Lord knows, he has to deal with a lot! My mom, she also doesn't talk. Then one day, 1 thing goes wrong, and well...she just goes on this yelling thing. My dad, he calls me and unloads everything on me. And in any case, I'm the one trying to make it better.
Not only am I currently trying to hold my life together, but I'm holding every one's life together too. It's beyond difficult. It's more than just my stress. More than trying to put together $3 for bread and noodles. It's holding lots of lives in my hands. Trying to make everyone come out the other end. Making sure we are all OK when this blows over.
I'm too tired to deal with all of this at the moment. I'm going to start another 36 hour shift. Trying to make it until Monday. Scared out of my mind. But sure that God will be right at my side. Guiding me. And with that, I know we will all make it. Somehow, I'm still not sure how. But we will make it. ♥
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
You Can't Win for Losing
Here I am. The 3rd day in a row, crying. Uncontrollably so. I can't decide if life is just too much at the moment. Or maybe, I'm mourning my internship. Because this week has sucked, in every single aspect that I can imagine. Failed friendships, failed dreams, and some guy trying to get in touch with me. For a date of all things. Seriously, I'm not in that place right now. I'm barely holding it together.
I'm at work almost 40 minutes early because I couldn't sleep. I was at the gym at 2AM. And I couldn't stand being in my house a second longer! School has been in session for a week now. I've had classes just twice. And I feel so empty inside. It's not even funny. February 1st, is my last day of work. I honestly don't know where to go from here. But I'm so miserable. I just can't imagine which way is up.
So I called my dad this morning. One of the only people that I know, that is awake at 4AM. I needed a little advice. What do I get? My dad talking about my brother needing a computer. Oh, and about the new politician throwing his hat into the governor's race. Honestly, I don't care about either right now. I'm sorry, but I just don't. I need some help. Someone to listen to me. To hear me. It's like I'm crying out for help, and no one cares to help me.
I guess, I just feel like I'm at a super dark place. I can't afford to buy a loaf of bread. Much less the almost $10,000 I need for my internship. My dad doesn't get how much I have had to lean on my music to make money. He just doesn't get how little I honestly live on. Or how miserable I am. The simple fact is, that since I found out that I needed to leave my internship, I'm becoming a hermit. Not wanting to be around people. Not wanting to talk to any. Pretty much, avoiding people whenever I can. Because it hurts too much. This is what I wanted to do with my life. Not only have I had to leave my music behind. But I'm leaving the medicine too!
Physically, I can't sleep. I don't care about eating. It's just not a priority right now. I honestly, could careless what happens next with my family. I just don't have the strength to pull everyone along any more. I'm just tired. For once in my life, I need someone to be here for me. And guess what, no one is here. No one is listening to me. Listening to my pleas for help. Giving me advice. Or just sitting here, while I talk about the jumbled mess in my head.
But that's always been my life. I'm supposed to be the strong one. The glue that holds this entire mess, that we call a family, together. I'm supposed to fix what's broken. And never ask questions. And I'm NEVER, EVER, EVER SUPPOSED TO SHOW WHEN I'M WEAK!!! I just can't do it any more. There is no reason that I should be doing without basic necessities, and working towards my goals, to just end up on the losing end.
Maybe all of this is God's way of making me tough. Preparing me for something bigger. Something that I can't see. Or can't even imagine in my future. But I'm truly at the end of my rope. Seriously considering a move, across the country. To get away from the drama. To have a fresh start. And to have a decent job.
Because I can't continue like this. I can't continue getting walked all over. I can't continue to be kicked. And I honestly can't handle any more of my dreams going up in smoke. I just hope that God gives me the strength to get through all of this. I know that he only gives us what we can handle. But sometimes, I'm not sure I can handle what is on my plate. ♥
I'm at work almost 40 minutes early because I couldn't sleep. I was at the gym at 2AM. And I couldn't stand being in my house a second longer! School has been in session for a week now. I've had classes just twice. And I feel so empty inside. It's not even funny. February 1st, is my last day of work. I honestly don't know where to go from here. But I'm so miserable. I just can't imagine which way is up.
So I called my dad this morning. One of the only people that I know, that is awake at 4AM. I needed a little advice. What do I get? My dad talking about my brother needing a computer. Oh, and about the new politician throwing his hat into the governor's race. Honestly, I don't care about either right now. I'm sorry, but I just don't. I need some help. Someone to listen to me. To hear me. It's like I'm crying out for help, and no one cares to help me.
I guess, I just feel like I'm at a super dark place. I can't afford to buy a loaf of bread. Much less the almost $10,000 I need for my internship. My dad doesn't get how much I have had to lean on my music to make money. He just doesn't get how little I honestly live on. Or how miserable I am. The simple fact is, that since I found out that I needed to leave my internship, I'm becoming a hermit. Not wanting to be around people. Not wanting to talk to any. Pretty much, avoiding people whenever I can. Because it hurts too much. This is what I wanted to do with my life. Not only have I had to leave my music behind. But I'm leaving the medicine too!
Physically, I can't sleep. I don't care about eating. It's just not a priority right now. I honestly, could careless what happens next with my family. I just don't have the strength to pull everyone along any more. I'm just tired. For once in my life, I need someone to be here for me. And guess what, no one is here. No one is listening to me. Listening to my pleas for help. Giving me advice. Or just sitting here, while I talk about the jumbled mess in my head.
But that's always been my life. I'm supposed to be the strong one. The glue that holds this entire mess, that we call a family, together. I'm supposed to fix what's broken. And never ask questions. And I'm NEVER, EVER, EVER SUPPOSED TO SHOW WHEN I'M WEAK!!! I just can't do it any more. There is no reason that I should be doing without basic necessities, and working towards my goals, to just end up on the losing end.
Maybe all of this is God's way of making me tough. Preparing me for something bigger. Something that I can't see. Or can't even imagine in my future. But I'm truly at the end of my rope. Seriously considering a move, across the country. To get away from the drama. To have a fresh start. And to have a decent job.
Because I can't continue like this. I can't continue getting walked all over. I can't continue to be kicked. And I honestly can't handle any more of my dreams going up in smoke. I just hope that God gives me the strength to get through all of this. I know that he only gives us what we can handle. But sometimes, I'm not sure I can handle what is on my plate. ♥
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
It Hurts Too Much
Have you ever heard that saying,
"If you love them, then let them go. If they love you, they'll come back to you."
I've heard that a hundred different times, a hundred different ways. But if pretty much means the same thing. I loved my friend, S with all my heart. Not in a romantic way, which caused a lot of friction, between a lot of people. But I loved him nonetheless. We met when I came to college. He was the first person to introduce themselves to me. I had been in school for almost 3 weeks when we met.
I showed up to a rehearsal that I had missed for the first 2 1/2 weeks of school. Because the times and days had been changed. And no one thought to post a note or anything. It took me going to the Dean's Office, to find out where and when this class was.
And like the good little student I am, I was 30 minutes early. With my homework for another class. I sat at a table, completely immersed in music theory. Not realizing that my fellow musicians were slowly pouring into the room. And when I looked up, Mr. Casanova himself was standing right in front of me. His arm was making it's way around my shoulders, to hug me. "Hi. My name is S. You must be new around here." Um, I didn't know what to say. But I knew instantly, I was in trouble.
Probably because every female in the room was hot for him. And I knew it instantly. Secondly, who in the heck comes up and gives you a hug when you are first meeting? In case you're wondering, I'm not a hugger! In fact, I enjoy personal space. A lot!
But S was persistent. I have to give him that much. By the end of rehearsal, he had written his phone number on the side of my music. Had sang one of my favorite songs, which left me almost unable to play. And invited me to go out to eat with a bunch of the other musicians.
Over the next few weeks, we became good friends. We saw each other at rehearsal twice a week. And I noticed S was in my building a lot more. I knew he wasn't majoring in the same field as I was, so I wasn't sure what that was all about. His best friend, G and his girlfriend L, they also quickly became friends with me. Before long, we were the 4 Musketeers. Sharing meals, laughing at S, and becoming friends. In fact, we even shared tears. That was the year that our entire world changed...9/11 happened.
These were people that I could trust. That understood when you only have $5 to your name. And who shared my passion for our culture...and music. I was asked to join a group that the guys played in, and the rest is history. In the next 3 years, we went to hell and back together. We would scrap up our nickels and dimes to eat beans and rice together. And then pack up our bags to fly across the country to perform. The guys and I traveled the same 40 something miles at least 8 times a week.
There came the big shows that we performed in. All the traveling. Even my lost luggage. We got through it all. And they even helped me get through some of my darkest days. My car accident. I'm still amazed that I survived that! When 2 very important ladies in my life were facing death. And my friends were there to hold me as God called 4 of my family members back to heaven. It was tough, but I always had my friends to lean on.
I'm the youngest of my friends. And when we all were asked to join the professional ranks of music, I knew I couldn't go. But I wanted for my friends to live out their dreams. Heck, S and I always talked about making it big one day. About working hard when we were young. And then, one day, walking away from it all to have a family. At that point in my life, S was the only person that really knew a lot about me. I had never shared a whole lot with people. I was used to being alone. But he knew me.
Even across the country, you couldn't keep these 2 good friends apart. We emailed, MySpaced, IM'd, video chatted, and talked on the phone. I flew across country to be in G and L's wedding. I loved every minute of being with my friends. And when S called me looking for advice, it was me that pushed him to chase his dream.
That was probably when things started to go wrong. I wasn't doing so well. He knew it. But I also knew this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. So I wished my friends well, and they began touring all over the world. I would get random gifts, letters, and pictures from everywhere...Japan, Italy, Spain, etc. And I was so excited for my friends.
But I was also miserable at home. I was trying to find my way. Trying to just make it. Struggling financially. Trying to stay afloat in every way I could. Let me tell you, it wasn't going so well. And then, I met Mr. "Southern Boy" himself. It was random. I was performing in Las Vegas. With the band. He happened to be there with some friends. It was a "Guys' Weekend" for them. I was just trying to make some money to pay for my books.
That chance meeting, turned into an amazing friendship. I think I've finally met someone who gets me. Again, I'm not looking for a romantic relationship. But this is someone who understands how I grew up. Who can understand feeling this alone in life. He gets that money isn't everything. That most of the time, it just means more problems. He gets that.
This man, became my friend. A good friend. Someone that I call when life is just so stinking miserable, that I don't want to get out of bed. Before long, I think he was making up gigs for our band. Trying to help me out. But it didn't matter. He was my friend. We are a very unlikely pairing of friends. Especially if you know us and know our backgrounds. But we are so similar, you would think we grew up together!
This didn't sit well with S. In fact, it created more problems than I could have ever imagined. S was OK with J. He knew that we were best friends. But this new guy, he was not comfortable with him. At all! And before I knew it, a storm was brewing. An evil one.
I'm that girl. The one that has a bunch of guy friends. But I'm also the one that is always trying to set them up. But I'm that girl. I work with nothing but guys. My best friends are guys. I just feel more comfortable with male friends. I don't have to worry about a whole lot when it comes to them. They just like to enjoy life. And they are extra security when I need it. Like the big brothers that I never really had.
Over the summer, S and I had a blow out fight. The kind that leaves you sick in your stomach. J felt bad about. In fact, I was mad at both of them. For a while. S mad me so incredibly mad. Because he made me second guess myself. I started questioning my actions. And I don't do that. He wanted me to himself. I was feeling like a possession. And I wasn't having it. We had a horrible fight the day before our friends' wedding. The kind of fight that had me yelling at him, while I stood in my driveway, shoes in my hand. I was so mad.
And I left. I got in my car, and I drove. We didn't talk for the rest of the weekend. Not 1 word to each other. That was it. Not even 2 months later, he was back. For my Goddaughter's birthday. Acting liking a fool. An older friend of ours, someone that is like a dad, also had a huge fight with him. I later found out why. And it had something to do with me. But that wasn't it. He was really looking for a fight.
And sure enough he got it. We were in rehearsal. Getting ready for a gig for the "Southern Boy." S was going to go with us. And I was late to rehearsal. Which was normal. I had to work at the hospital until late. And when I walked into rehearsal, you could feel the tension. Then, S started with the little remarks. And the "Southern Boy" wasn't having it. Neither were the guys in the band. And before I knew it, S was laying on the ground. The "Southern Boy" had just punched him. I'm going to spare you the details. But it wasn't good!
He left that night. And that was the last I had heard from him. I hadn't seen him. Or talked to him. I was really disappointed that my friendship, could take such a turn for the worst. G kept wanting to talk to me. But the time was never right. Until last night.
S, G, L, and I sat down for a talk. Actually, it started out just S and I. But before long 2 turned into 4 turned into 8. And I already knew what was coming. Way before it came. I just knew it. I had known for a while. Just by the way that G had been acting. I don't own S. And never wanted to. I in fact, wanted him to find an amazing woman out there, while he was traveling. But things went, um a little nuts. And G didn't appreciate it. Especially when I was the one catching all the hell. For something I didn't do.
To sum it up, S and I must have yelled at each other for a good 6 hours. I don't even know. We got it all out there. It's all on the table. No skeletons to hide. I had to actually physically protect him from some of our friends. I didn't want to. But I feared what might have happened if I didn't.
I didn't leave on a good note. In fact, it will be a miracle if we ever speak again. There were too many things said. Things that should have never left either of our mouths. But it's done. And I'm not sure I want to fight for this friendship any longer. I know, it sounds selfish and cruel. But sometimes, these things don't work. Even with the best of intentions.
I'm starting to second guess my ability to even have a good friendship. People who I've treasured as friends, they're the ones that have hurt me the worst. Off the top of my head, I can name 5 close friends, whose friendships have gone up in smoke. In the last 3 or 4 years! It's sad. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just trust the wrong people.
But it just hurts, deep down in my heart. I think it's time to close up my heart. At least for a little while. And let it heal. My poor heart, and soul, have been taking a beating lately. I'm raw inside. Left without the ability to show or share my emotions and feelings. I just think it's time for me to heal. To allow myself to love the person that I am. And to be a little selfish, and put myself first, for once in my lifetime. ♥
"If you love them, then let them go. If they love you, they'll come back to you."
I've heard that a hundred different times, a hundred different ways. But if pretty much means the same thing. I loved my friend, S with all my heart. Not in a romantic way, which caused a lot of friction, between a lot of people. But I loved him nonetheless. We met when I came to college. He was the first person to introduce themselves to me. I had been in school for almost 3 weeks when we met.
I showed up to a rehearsal that I had missed for the first 2 1/2 weeks of school. Because the times and days had been changed. And no one thought to post a note or anything. It took me going to the Dean's Office, to find out where and when this class was.
And like the good little student I am, I was 30 minutes early. With my homework for another class. I sat at a table, completely immersed in music theory. Not realizing that my fellow musicians were slowly pouring into the room. And when I looked up, Mr. Casanova himself was standing right in front of me. His arm was making it's way around my shoulders, to hug me. "Hi. My name is S. You must be new around here." Um, I didn't know what to say. But I knew instantly, I was in trouble.
Probably because every female in the room was hot for him. And I knew it instantly. Secondly, who in the heck comes up and gives you a hug when you are first meeting? In case you're wondering, I'm not a hugger! In fact, I enjoy personal space. A lot!
But S was persistent. I have to give him that much. By the end of rehearsal, he had written his phone number on the side of my music. Had sang one of my favorite songs, which left me almost unable to play. And invited me to go out to eat with a bunch of the other musicians.
Over the next few weeks, we became good friends. We saw each other at rehearsal twice a week. And I noticed S was in my building a lot more. I knew he wasn't majoring in the same field as I was, so I wasn't sure what that was all about. His best friend, G and his girlfriend L, they also quickly became friends with me. Before long, we were the 4 Musketeers. Sharing meals, laughing at S, and becoming friends. In fact, we even shared tears. That was the year that our entire world changed...9/11 happened.
These were people that I could trust. That understood when you only have $5 to your name. And who shared my passion for our culture...and music. I was asked to join a group that the guys played in, and the rest is history. In the next 3 years, we went to hell and back together. We would scrap up our nickels and dimes to eat beans and rice together. And then pack up our bags to fly across the country to perform. The guys and I traveled the same 40 something miles at least 8 times a week.
There came the big shows that we performed in. All the traveling. Even my lost luggage. We got through it all. And they even helped me get through some of my darkest days. My car accident. I'm still amazed that I survived that! When 2 very important ladies in my life were facing death. And my friends were there to hold me as God called 4 of my family members back to heaven. It was tough, but I always had my friends to lean on.
I'm the youngest of my friends. And when we all were asked to join the professional ranks of music, I knew I couldn't go. But I wanted for my friends to live out their dreams. Heck, S and I always talked about making it big one day. About working hard when we were young. And then, one day, walking away from it all to have a family. At that point in my life, S was the only person that really knew a lot about me. I had never shared a whole lot with people. I was used to being alone. But he knew me.
Even across the country, you couldn't keep these 2 good friends apart. We emailed, MySpaced, IM'd, video chatted, and talked on the phone. I flew across country to be in G and L's wedding. I loved every minute of being with my friends. And when S called me looking for advice, it was me that pushed him to chase his dream.
That was probably when things started to go wrong. I wasn't doing so well. He knew it. But I also knew this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. So I wished my friends well, and they began touring all over the world. I would get random gifts, letters, and pictures from everywhere...Japan, Italy, Spain, etc. And I was so excited for my friends.
But I was also miserable at home. I was trying to find my way. Trying to just make it. Struggling financially. Trying to stay afloat in every way I could. Let me tell you, it wasn't going so well. And then, I met Mr. "Southern Boy" himself. It was random. I was performing in Las Vegas. With the band. He happened to be there with some friends. It was a "Guys' Weekend" for them. I was just trying to make some money to pay for my books.
That chance meeting, turned into an amazing friendship. I think I've finally met someone who gets me. Again, I'm not looking for a romantic relationship. But this is someone who understands how I grew up. Who can understand feeling this alone in life. He gets that money isn't everything. That most of the time, it just means more problems. He gets that.
This man, became my friend. A good friend. Someone that I call when life is just so stinking miserable, that I don't want to get out of bed. Before long, I think he was making up gigs for our band. Trying to help me out. But it didn't matter. He was my friend. We are a very unlikely pairing of friends. Especially if you know us and know our backgrounds. But we are so similar, you would think we grew up together!
This didn't sit well with S. In fact, it created more problems than I could have ever imagined. S was OK with J. He knew that we were best friends. But this new guy, he was not comfortable with him. At all! And before I knew it, a storm was brewing. An evil one.
I'm that girl. The one that has a bunch of guy friends. But I'm also the one that is always trying to set them up. But I'm that girl. I work with nothing but guys. My best friends are guys. I just feel more comfortable with male friends. I don't have to worry about a whole lot when it comes to them. They just like to enjoy life. And they are extra security when I need it. Like the big brothers that I never really had.
Over the summer, S and I had a blow out fight. The kind that leaves you sick in your stomach. J felt bad about. In fact, I was mad at both of them. For a while. S mad me so incredibly mad. Because he made me second guess myself. I started questioning my actions. And I don't do that. He wanted me to himself. I was feeling like a possession. And I wasn't having it. We had a horrible fight the day before our friends' wedding. The kind of fight that had me yelling at him, while I stood in my driveway, shoes in my hand. I was so mad.
And I left. I got in my car, and I drove. We didn't talk for the rest of the weekend. Not 1 word to each other. That was it. Not even 2 months later, he was back. For my Goddaughter's birthday. Acting liking a fool. An older friend of ours, someone that is like a dad, also had a huge fight with him. I later found out why. And it had something to do with me. But that wasn't it. He was really looking for a fight.
And sure enough he got it. We were in rehearsal. Getting ready for a gig for the "Southern Boy." S was going to go with us. And I was late to rehearsal. Which was normal. I had to work at the hospital until late. And when I walked into rehearsal, you could feel the tension. Then, S started with the little remarks. And the "Southern Boy" wasn't having it. Neither were the guys in the band. And before I knew it, S was laying on the ground. The "Southern Boy" had just punched him. I'm going to spare you the details. But it wasn't good!
He left that night. And that was the last I had heard from him. I hadn't seen him. Or talked to him. I was really disappointed that my friendship, could take such a turn for the worst. G kept wanting to talk to me. But the time was never right. Until last night.
S, G, L, and I sat down for a talk. Actually, it started out just S and I. But before long 2 turned into 4 turned into 8. And I already knew what was coming. Way before it came. I just knew it. I had known for a while. Just by the way that G had been acting. I don't own S. And never wanted to. I in fact, wanted him to find an amazing woman out there, while he was traveling. But things went, um a little nuts. And G didn't appreciate it. Especially when I was the one catching all the hell. For something I didn't do.
To sum it up, S and I must have yelled at each other for a good 6 hours. I don't even know. We got it all out there. It's all on the table. No skeletons to hide. I had to actually physically protect him from some of our friends. I didn't want to. But I feared what might have happened if I didn't.
I didn't leave on a good note. In fact, it will be a miracle if we ever speak again. There were too many things said. Things that should have never left either of our mouths. But it's done. And I'm not sure I want to fight for this friendship any longer. I know, it sounds selfish and cruel. But sometimes, these things don't work. Even with the best of intentions.
I'm starting to second guess my ability to even have a good friendship. People who I've treasured as friends, they're the ones that have hurt me the worst. Off the top of my head, I can name 5 close friends, whose friendships have gone up in smoke. In the last 3 or 4 years! It's sad. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just trust the wrong people.
But it just hurts, deep down in my heart. I think it's time to close up my heart. At least for a little while. And let it heal. My poor heart, and soul, have been taking a beating lately. I'm raw inside. Left without the ability to show or share my emotions and feelings. I just think it's time for me to heal. To allow myself to love the person that I am. And to be a little selfish, and put myself first, for once in my lifetime. ♥
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A Big Day
Today is one of those very important days in my life. I become a Godmother again. I don't take it lightly either. This is one of those really important days in a baby's life. The day that 4 adults begin the journey, with this innocent child. Guiding them through their religion. Teaching them about faith, life, and most importantly...love.
I don't know Miguel very well. He's going to be Emma's Godfather. But we've met and talked 3 times. He is a really nice guy. Very down-to-earth. And someone that will help to keep Emma grounded. We are all beginning this journey together. To make sure this perfect little girl grows up to love, respect, and believe in Our Lord.
One a day like this, we look past the beautiful white clothing, all the pomp and circumstance, past the party. Today is about our vow to God. We are all taking on the responsibility for this beautiful baby. That we will teach her and guide her as she grows. I'm excited about that. Excited to share Our Amazing Dear Lord with Emma.
And I'm also excited about all the physical aspects of today. I can't wait to go pick up Emma. To get her dressed. To finally see her in her little baptismo gown that I made. I can't wait to see her be completely dunked in the water. To get to light the candle for her. To make the promises for her and to her. For Emma to officially become Emma Grace.
Later today, we are also going to enjoy a big party. One that is especially for Emma. Celebrating her. Her birth, the little angel that she is. God is great! He blesses us with little angels like Emma, to remind of that there is love in our world. Today is about celebrating her. Celebrating the life that is to come. And our commitment to her and God. The 4 of us are making those promises today. I can't wait to officially become Miss Emma Grace's Nana!!! ♥
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Making Music
This weekend is one of those super busy ones. The kind that at first glance, you get really excited for. 2 weeks ago, I couldn't wait for this weekend. Because it's a holiday weekend. Then I realized I was going to be working all weekend. And I was playing in the symphony. Don't forget Emma's baptismo. It's very busy!
But as I quickly got dressed last night, I got really excited. It all of a sudden came rushing at me. I'm playing in the symphony again! OK, I'm going to be honest, it's not my favorite place to play. But I do enjoy it. A lot! There is just something about putting on your "Concert Black" and knowing you are going to be playing in a beautiful theater. It just makes all of your body fill up with love and happiness!
And last night, as I was double checking; making sure I had my passport card, my violin, and everything I would need, I just smiled. Because it might not be the most convenient job that I have. Or the safest. But it's honestly, one of the things I enjoy most. I feel so elegant, alive, and blessed when I take that stage. You are making music with at least 100 other musicians. Taking people back into time. Honoring our past, and building our future.
Music is the only real constant I've had in my life. The thing that I can depend on 100%. The place I go to when life becomes too tough. When I'm happy, I dance to the most lively beats. And when I'm sad, I'm not afraid to cry to the sad notes of years past. Making music is a gift, that I Thank My Dear Lord for every single day! ♥
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