Sometimes, I'd like to scream. More because people don't get it. My 11th hour Hail Mary...well, it didn't come. And today, was the day I had my meeting, with all the people that are associated with my internship. And no one understands, I really want to stay in my internship. I just can't afford to.
It's black and white. No grey areas at all. I just can't afford it. I'm looking at close to $15,000 a semester. I'm carry pretty much all of it, on my own. Paid at the end of each semester. It's tough. And at times, it feels nearly impossible. I borrow from J a lot to make the last few payments. Or in the case of the last year, I've heavily depended on him. It's impossible for me to do this on my own anymore. In fact, it has reached impossible. My Dad just doesn't get it. Not at all. I sit and explain to him a thousand and one different ways. He still doesn't understand.
And my Dean, professors, internship advisors, and academic advisors, well, they don't get it either. I can barely handle tuition/books or internship/insurance. I just can't handle both anymore. And they just want me to get a loan. But I want to finish school without one. At least until I hit medical school. Because I know what the costs are going to be there. So there we are. In a hole.
I need my internship to take my classes. But I can't afford it. So I'm taking 2 classes in the Fall. Praying that a dietetic internship comes available before December. And I'm looking for a real PAYING job. Because I'm not making it. So 2 classes, no internship, and a paying job. That's my plan.
How in the world did I afford it before now? I worked. I worked in a band. A few bands. But 1 in particular, I made 99% of my money with. I busted my rear end, traveled, played and sang...and never spent the money. But now, the guys are getting married and having kids. Our band is more of a casual hobby. And I'm pretty much out of work. So I have no money.
My parents helped a little with tuition last Spring. But I was still carrying 85% of the costs. And now, well I have no money for books or tuition. So the internship is out the door. And it crushes my heart and soul. But what am I supposed to do? The only big assets I have are my house and my car. Both are pretty essential. All of my money that I saved since I was a baby, well it's tied up in CDs and bank accounts with my Dad. He doesn't think I need it...
It's beyond tough to walk away from your dream. Especially when so many people are pulling for you. And it's all you want to do. And I'm good at it! Damn good. But I can't do it. I need to work to continue with my internship, but my internship doesn't allow much time away from school and the hospital. It's a total Catch 22.
Today really sucks. My soul feels empty. And my heart is broken. I feel like I've let so many people down. But most importantly, I've let myself down. And then, my Dad yells at me. Seriously? I'm the only one trying to halfway make a better life for myself. Doing it on my own. And he has the nerve to yell at me? I just don't get it. So much for calling my parents this evening.
For now, I have to reassess things. Figure out what my next move is. Seriously contemplate if I should be in school or not. And I need to find a decent job. I don't mind scrubbing toilets and changing diapers. I just need a job that pays halfway decent. I've never really been a big spender. You can definitely tell from my house. I've been here for 9 years, I still don't have all the furniture I need. Heck, only 2 rooms have curtains. So you can see, I sacrifice. I'm just not sure if those sacrifices are paying off.
I need to go now. Wipe away my tears. Hope that my eyes don't continue to look blood shot. I'm working tonight with the Mariachi group. And I have to look nice. I really do hope my mood picks up a bit. Because I feel a lot like this weather...gloomy, dark, and rainy. Not the best when you need to put on a show. But I'm hoping, at least my friends understand. And maybe they can help me to find the next road I need to take in life. ♥
Friday, July 16, 2010
D Day
I feel sick to my stomach. Today is the day I sign my internship away. By Monday, it will be final. All the hard work, sacrifices, dreams, hopes, wishes, long shifts, sleepless nights...they're over. And it's tough for my to swallow. But I have to.
I need to put on my "Big Girl Panties" today. And I need to go have this talk with all these people I respect. Casually, my parents and I talked about it for 5 minutes before they went to breakfast this morning. My Mom gets it. She really understands the struggle I'm in. My Dad, he just doesn't understand. And no matter how many times I explain it, he just doesn't get it.
So here I am. Trying. Trying to hold it together. I have a 3 hours trip south. And a 4 hour meeting lined up. Not the way I wanted to start my weekend. But what can you do? I'm poor. And I need to come to terms with that. I hope they can too! Because the cost of my internship is eating me alive.
Until now, I relied heavily on myself. And my ability to line up gigs with the BBs. But at this point, I can see that it has become more and more of a hobby for the guys. But I still need the work. And as the economy continues to sink into the ground, I'm screwed even more.
It still surprises me that our student athletes gets so much scholarship money. While me, a Dean's List student, Crimson Scholar, and I have a 4.0 gets $50 a semester! How is that fair? I'm not sure. And our athletic programs are not even very good. There you go. That's what our education system has come to.
My parents, I'm sure they'd like to help. But honestly, they have a business that they need to take care of. And I know how much it costs them. I also know that between May and September, it's the toughest time of year for them. So I'm not going to go to them for the money. I'd feel like I was an inch high. Literally taking money from them.
So here I am. No money. No help. And needing $4000 by Monday. I guess I'm praying for a Hail Mary. Knowing that there's not one in sight. But hoping against all odds that I get to continue in my field. Because honestly, it's all I have in my life. I have no family (besides my parents), I don't have many hobbies, or much of anything. My work and school, they're my life. And I just know, it will break my entire spirit if I had to leave. ♥
I need to put on my "Big Girl Panties" today. And I need to go have this talk with all these people I respect. Casually, my parents and I talked about it for 5 minutes before they went to breakfast this morning. My Mom gets it. She really understands the struggle I'm in. My Dad, he just doesn't understand. And no matter how many times I explain it, he just doesn't get it.
So here I am. Trying. Trying to hold it together. I have a 3 hours trip south. And a 4 hour meeting lined up. Not the way I wanted to start my weekend. But what can you do? I'm poor. And I need to come to terms with that. I hope they can too! Because the cost of my internship is eating me alive.
Until now, I relied heavily on myself. And my ability to line up gigs with the BBs. But at this point, I can see that it has become more and more of a hobby for the guys. But I still need the work. And as the economy continues to sink into the ground, I'm screwed even more.
It still surprises me that our student athletes gets so much scholarship money. While me, a Dean's List student, Crimson Scholar, and I have a 4.0 gets $50 a semester! How is that fair? I'm not sure. And our athletic programs are not even very good. There you go. That's what our education system has come to.
My parents, I'm sure they'd like to help. But honestly, they have a business that they need to take care of. And I know how much it costs them. I also know that between May and September, it's the toughest time of year for them. So I'm not going to go to them for the money. I'd feel like I was an inch high. Literally taking money from them.
So here I am. No money. No help. And needing $4000 by Monday. I guess I'm praying for a Hail Mary. Knowing that there's not one in sight. But hoping against all odds that I get to continue in my field. Because honestly, it's all I have in my life. I have no family (besides my parents), I don't have many hobbies, or much of anything. My work and school, they're my life. And I just know, it will break my entire spirit if I had to leave. ♥
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Pond Friends Stacking Toy
I really want to make this cute toy for Baby C. My best friend's little girl, Baby C, is due in October. And I've been making so many things for her. But this little toy, it's just too cute! And I want to make it. I need to get some yarn though. I can't wait!
I know, it's probably a little premature. Being that Baby C isn't even here yet. Not to mention, this is for a baby who is a few months old. But I can't help myself! And I want to make it. It's also a free pattern and Lion Brand. ♥
Monday, July 12, 2010
Post Internship, Day 2
Today was another one of those days. You know, were I had no idea what to do. Think about yesterday, just worse...
I had nothing really planned. And I started my day with looking for a job. I put in 5 applications. And all I can do is pray. Because there are so many people looking for a job right now. Especially in this tiny town!
I came home and had some leftover spaghetti. Which was yummy! And I called my parents. Who seemed happy. Which was nice. Because things have been stressful. You know, my brother and all. Anyway, my brother went to the BINGO last night. And he won. $1100. Who knows what he's going to do with it. Probably waste it away. But whatever. How do some people have all the luck. Not even a month ago, he won almost $400 playing the slots. But you know how that goes...
Anyway, yesterdays weather spoiled me a bit. And today I paid dearly for it. It was so HOT! Especially in my house. I couldn't take it. Turns out, it was 90 something today. And still 10 degrees below are normal. Yes, we should have been at least 107 degrees today. I hope tomorrow is not that HOT!
But I knew I needed to tackle the yard. You know, the rain only brings weeds. And I needed to get those under control. I decided to work on my front yard. Since it's under the pecan trees. And well, mushrooms have invaded! And they're tearing up my yard! The little bit of grass is just getting eaten by these mushrooms. They were not there yesterday! How did this happen?
So I pulled and pulled. Weeds and mushrooms. 2 bags full! And I tried to give my flowers some TLC. I'm really starting to lose hope in my flowers. They just won't bloom. It's been too hot. But I did get some flowers and plants together for my Mom. I promised to take her some when I go home. :)
After almost passing out, I decided to stop. You know, get some water and catch my breath. I realized I was bright red. And I was probably overdoing it. I thought about dinner. Then figured it was too hot to eat. I skipped dinner again. I know. But that's how it goes sometimes.
I tried to catch up on some important things. I collected my laundry. And packed. I'm going to see my parents tomorrow. Just for a couple of days. But now, I'm ready. And around 6PM, I decided to try my hand at yard work again. It was a lot cooler.
I was doing good. Pulling those pesky little weeds that grow along my fence. Picking up all the trash that was caught up in my fence. Watering my little seedlings and checking on my plants. It was going well. Until I decided to get some water. I locked myself out of my house! Seriously, this is a HUGE issue. I guess I could have gone to Memo's or J's house. But I figured they weren't home.
So I attempted to break into my house. Which is tough! I have those steel sash, crank windows from like the 40s/50s. And well, everything was closed up. Except, my kitchen windows. Which are inside my screened in, locked porch. Ugh! But I managed. My neighbors' dogs were going nuts. But I found a small piece of wire. And I managed to get into the porch. Then, I managed to get the screen of one of the windows. It was so hard! But thankfully, I hadn't put it back on right yesterday. When I had cleaned them. A good thing. I was able to climb up the wall, thank goodness for my rickety old outside chair, and I squeezed through a window that had a very small opening. My window was only opened about halfway. And wouldn't open any further. Because I had it locked. Total time, 2 hours! I could have kicked myself for that.
I managed to get everything locked down again. Made sure things were in order. And decided to sit outside with my water. It was nearly 9PM, but so HOT still! As I was watering some plants in my front porch, a small SUV stopped at the stop sign. In front of my neighbor's house. I could hear some yelling, but tried to ignore it. Wrong move people! The lady, who was driving, through the man out! With his case of beer. All was very strange. But I sat there and watched.
He walked across the street, to my side of the street. Beer in tote. Mumbling to himself. And the lady drove off. Not sure what was going on. He walked down the street. And I kinda forgot about him. Until, I decided to load some stuff into my car for tomorrow. I saw him sitting, 2 houses down, in the front yard. Talking to the lady neighbor. He was clearly upset.
I packed up. And I could sorta hear them. Not what they were saying, but their tone of voice. I felt bad for the guy. But I had no clue what was going on. Again, I went to sit in my front porch and just relax. It was finally cooling down. Then my neighbor got home. And there was all sorts of yelling. I think the 2 men are related somehow. But I don't know how.
The small guy (beer guy) was asking my neighbor (Big Daddy-that's his business name) a question. And before I knew it they were yelling at each other. In the middle of the street, right in front of my house. I didn't want to get up. Because I knew they couldn't see me. But if I got up, they would hear me. I prayed it would be over soon.
And before I knew it, Big Daddy was bumping his stomach into Beer Guy. Beer Guy was trying to walk away, but Big Daddy wouldn't let him. Then, fist hit face. With a loud bang! Big Daddy really has a mean punch! Something for me to remember...
Before I knew it, Beer Guy took off running. And Big Daddy was screaming at our good neighbor to call the cops. Well, he comes Good Neighbor, in his little truck. And they take off to look for Beer Guy. Around this time, I remember I need to put a few more things in my car. And as that is happening, I see Beer Guy running down another street. The guys in the truck, nowhere to be seen. The lady, still sitting in her front yard.
Then the guys return, take off in 2 trucks and can't find Beer Guy. Before I know it, the cops are in front of Big Daddy's house. Taking the report from his wife. Big Daddy nowhere to be seen. Turns out, Beer Guy left his case of beer (40 pack?-I don't know the proper beer terminology) and had her cell phone. Because the fight just sorta happened.
Good neighbor came home. Parked his truck and went inside. That was just a few minutes ago. Big Daddy? Well he just got home too. Now he's talking to the cops. I remember, not too long ago, this was a very quiet neighborhood. Now this. I just don't know what to say.
But that was my day. Post internship, day 2. I'm usually not home a lot. So I'm learning a lot about my neighbors. Like my neighbor next door, he's selling all his furniture. And I'm watching the news. A shootout in my hometown today. The shooter also kills himself. There was a shootout across the border, and a drug related cartel accident on the bridge. 2nd in just 3 days. It's crazy people! But I guess this is my life now. ♥
I had nothing really planned. And I started my day with looking for a job. I put in 5 applications. And all I can do is pray. Because there are so many people looking for a job right now. Especially in this tiny town!
I came home and had some leftover spaghetti. Which was yummy! And I called my parents. Who seemed happy. Which was nice. Because things have been stressful. You know, my brother and all. Anyway, my brother went to the BINGO last night. And he won. $1100. Who knows what he's going to do with it. Probably waste it away. But whatever. How do some people have all the luck. Not even a month ago, he won almost $400 playing the slots. But you know how that goes...
Anyway, yesterdays weather spoiled me a bit. And today I paid dearly for it. It was so HOT! Especially in my house. I couldn't take it. Turns out, it was 90 something today. And still 10 degrees below are normal. Yes, we should have been at least 107 degrees today. I hope tomorrow is not that HOT!
But I knew I needed to tackle the yard. You know, the rain only brings weeds. And I needed to get those under control. I decided to work on my front yard. Since it's under the pecan trees. And well, mushrooms have invaded! And they're tearing up my yard! The little bit of grass is just getting eaten by these mushrooms. They were not there yesterday! How did this happen?
So I pulled and pulled. Weeds and mushrooms. 2 bags full! And I tried to give my flowers some TLC. I'm really starting to lose hope in my flowers. They just won't bloom. It's been too hot. But I did get some flowers and plants together for my Mom. I promised to take her some when I go home. :)
After almost passing out, I decided to stop. You know, get some water and catch my breath. I realized I was bright red. And I was probably overdoing it. I thought about dinner. Then figured it was too hot to eat. I skipped dinner again. I know. But that's how it goes sometimes.
I tried to catch up on some important things. I collected my laundry. And packed. I'm going to see my parents tomorrow. Just for a couple of days. But now, I'm ready. And around 6PM, I decided to try my hand at yard work again. It was a lot cooler.
I was doing good. Pulling those pesky little weeds that grow along my fence. Picking up all the trash that was caught up in my fence. Watering my little seedlings and checking on my plants. It was going well. Until I decided to get some water. I locked myself out of my house! Seriously, this is a HUGE issue. I guess I could have gone to Memo's or J's house. But I figured they weren't home.
So I attempted to break into my house. Which is tough! I have those steel sash, crank windows from like the 40s/50s. And well, everything was closed up. Except, my kitchen windows. Which are inside my screened in, locked porch. Ugh! But I managed. My neighbors' dogs were going nuts. But I found a small piece of wire. And I managed to get into the porch. Then, I managed to get the screen of one of the windows. It was so hard! But thankfully, I hadn't put it back on right yesterday. When I had cleaned them. A good thing. I was able to climb up the wall, thank goodness for my rickety old outside chair, and I squeezed through a window that had a very small opening. My window was only opened about halfway. And wouldn't open any further. Because I had it locked. Total time, 2 hours! I could have kicked myself for that.
I managed to get everything locked down again. Made sure things were in order. And decided to sit outside with my water. It was nearly 9PM, but so HOT still! As I was watering some plants in my front porch, a small SUV stopped at the stop sign. In front of my neighbor's house. I could hear some yelling, but tried to ignore it. Wrong move people! The lady, who was driving, through the man out! With his case of beer. All was very strange. But I sat there and watched.
He walked across the street, to my side of the street. Beer in tote. Mumbling to himself. And the lady drove off. Not sure what was going on. He walked down the street. And I kinda forgot about him. Until, I decided to load some stuff into my car for tomorrow. I saw him sitting, 2 houses down, in the front yard. Talking to the lady neighbor. He was clearly upset.
I packed up. And I could sorta hear them. Not what they were saying, but their tone of voice. I felt bad for the guy. But I had no clue what was going on. Again, I went to sit in my front porch and just relax. It was finally cooling down. Then my neighbor got home. And there was all sorts of yelling. I think the 2 men are related somehow. But I don't know how.
The small guy (beer guy) was asking my neighbor (Big Daddy-that's his business name) a question. And before I knew it they were yelling at each other. In the middle of the street, right in front of my house. I didn't want to get up. Because I knew they couldn't see me. But if I got up, they would hear me. I prayed it would be over soon.
And before I knew it, Big Daddy was bumping his stomach into Beer Guy. Beer Guy was trying to walk away, but Big Daddy wouldn't let him. Then, fist hit face. With a loud bang! Big Daddy really has a mean punch! Something for me to remember...
Before I knew it, Beer Guy took off running. And Big Daddy was screaming at our good neighbor to call the cops. Well, he comes Good Neighbor, in his little truck. And they take off to look for Beer Guy. Around this time, I remember I need to put a few more things in my car. And as that is happening, I see Beer Guy running down another street. The guys in the truck, nowhere to be seen. The lady, still sitting in her front yard.
Then the guys return, take off in 2 trucks and can't find Beer Guy. Before I know it, the cops are in front of Big Daddy's house. Taking the report from his wife. Big Daddy nowhere to be seen. Turns out, Beer Guy left his case of beer (40 pack?-I don't know the proper beer terminology) and had her cell phone. Because the fight just sorta happened.
Good neighbor came home. Parked his truck and went inside. That was just a few minutes ago. Big Daddy? Well he just got home too. Now he's talking to the cops. I remember, not too long ago, this was a very quiet neighborhood. Now this. I just don't know what to say.
But that was my day. Post internship, day 2. I'm usually not home a lot. So I'm learning a lot about my neighbors. Like my neighbor next door, he's selling all his furniture. And I'm watching the news. A shootout in my hometown today. The shooter also kills himself. There was a shootout across the border, and a drug related cartel accident on the bridge. 2nd in just 3 days. It's crazy people! But I guess this is my life now. ♥
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Lazy Sundays
I'm not used to being home on a Sunday. Especially with nothing to do. Sundays were always our busiest days at work. So this felt wrong. Very wrong! But that is exactly what I got. Stay home on a Sunday. A Sunday with nothing to do.
I went to mass. It was nice to go to church like a "normal" person on a Sunday. And to enjoy the great music, feeling, and faith with so many people! I go to mass every week. But I'm usually going to the Chapel Service at work. With a bunch of the kiddos from PEDS. So it was nice to go to church. I skipped the whole breakfast thing. Because I had to do some shopping. You know, for those essentials in life. Nothing glamorous and fun. Just deodorant. shampoo, and some bread.
By the time I got home, it was getting really cloudy and rainy. It rained pretty steadily all day and through most of the night. Which was nice. And I really enjoyed it. Because I really like rain. And rainy days. Rainy nights are my favorite! But it really dampened my plans for the day. To work on my yard. Which really needs some TLC!
Instead, I opted for a little journal writing. Which was much needed and enjoyed. Something I do every single day. But this was just a nice and enjoyable afternoon, of writing out some things that were on my mind. And I also did some crocheting. Which is becoming more and more necessary. So many of my friends are expecting right now! So that's what I did.
But mostly, I watched the rain fall. It's so soothing. And comforting. And relaxing. Something that I've needed to do for such a long time! Around 6pm, I got hungry. And searched my house for something yummy to make. The only thing I could manage to find, was pasta. So I made some spaghetti. Yummy! And it made my entire house smell like home. :) And then, I decided to scrub down the kitchen. From top to bottom, I cleaned. Everything and anything I could find in there. It also helped that the local country station had some really great music! So I danced and sang as I cleaned. :)
That was my day. I'm so not used to being home on Sundays. I'm really not used to having nothing to do. I guess this means, I really need to find a job ASAP! But it was nice to be "normal" for the day. Even if I couldn't figure out what to do. It was kinda nice to just be "normal." ♥
I went to mass. It was nice to go to church like a "normal" person on a Sunday. And to enjoy the great music, feeling, and faith with so many people! I go to mass every week. But I'm usually going to the Chapel Service at work. With a bunch of the kiddos from PEDS. So it was nice to go to church. I skipped the whole breakfast thing. Because I had to do some shopping. You know, for those essentials in life. Nothing glamorous and fun. Just deodorant. shampoo, and some bread.
By the time I got home, it was getting really cloudy and rainy. It rained pretty steadily all day and through most of the night. Which was nice. And I really enjoyed it. Because I really like rain. And rainy days. Rainy nights are my favorite! But it really dampened my plans for the day. To work on my yard. Which really needs some TLC!
Instead, I opted for a little journal writing. Which was much needed and enjoyed. Something I do every single day. But this was just a nice and enjoyable afternoon, of writing out some things that were on my mind. And I also did some crocheting. Which is becoming more and more necessary. So many of my friends are expecting right now! So that's what I did.
But mostly, I watched the rain fall. It's so soothing. And comforting. And relaxing. Something that I've needed to do for such a long time! Around 6pm, I got hungry. And searched my house for something yummy to make. The only thing I could manage to find, was pasta. So I made some spaghetti. Yummy! And it made my entire house smell like home. :) And then, I decided to scrub down the kitchen. From top to bottom, I cleaned. Everything and anything I could find in there. It also helped that the local country station had some really great music! So I danced and sang as I cleaned. :)
That was my day. I'm so not used to being home on Sundays. I'm really not used to having nothing to do. I guess this means, I really need to find a job ASAP! But it was nice to be "normal" for the day. Even if I couldn't figure out what to do. It was kinda nice to just be "normal." ♥
Friday, June 18, 2010
Happy Friday!
In case you are wondering, my life is not always filled with drama. Sometimes, really good things happen. Like next Saturday, I'm standing in a wedding. For 2 of my best friends. And I'm the "Maid of Honor."
C bought me a gorgeous dress to wear for the rehearsal. Because it's going to be a very dressy event and she's such a sweet person. So I've got this beautiful chocolatey, bronze number to wear. And I was wondering about what to do with my hair and makeup. M is doing all of our hair and makeup, but I was looking for some ideas.
During my break just now, I went to Carly's blog to take a look. I was hoping to find something fun. And Carly did not disappoint! I originally found Carly through her YouTube channel. And I just love the makeup that she does!
Today I found this video! And it is perfect for the rehearsal. I sent it to M and she said it's perfect. We've got our makeup look ready for next Friday. Now to find some hair ideas...
Well, I hope you have a great Friday! And if you're a makeup lover, take a look at this video. You will enjoy it! I promise. Happy Friday! ♥
C bought me a gorgeous dress to wear for the rehearsal. Because it's going to be a very dressy event and she's such a sweet person. So I've got this beautiful chocolatey, bronze number to wear. And I was wondering about what to do with my hair and makeup. M is doing all of our hair and makeup, but I was looking for some ideas.
During my break just now, I went to Carly's blog to take a look. I was hoping to find something fun. And Carly did not disappoint! I originally found Carly through her YouTube channel. And I just love the makeup that she does!
Today I found this video! And it is perfect for the rehearsal. I sent it to M and she said it's perfect. We've got our makeup look ready for next Friday. Now to find some hair ideas...
Well, I hope you have a great Friday! And if you're a makeup lover, take a look at this video. You will enjoy it! I promise. Happy Friday! ♥
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Life is Funny...
One minute someone is telling me hurtful and awful things. My heart is broken into a million pieces. And I'm just drained. Physically and emotionally. Then I walk into church. A place that I feel so safe and loved in, and start to feel better. My heart and soul begin to heal.
I go to mass during the week. At least twice, sometimes 3 times. And it makes me feel better. All of a sudden, people aren't judging me. They're loving me. I'm surrounded by God and people that really do love me. Not because they have to, but because they want to. At the end of the day, I can say that much. My friends love me. And their kids, there is nothing I'd rather see than those smiling little faces.
As I felt emotionally spent and completely exhausted, I turned to God tonight and asked him for patients, his love, his knowledge, guidance, and a little faith. I needed it. I know people say things without thinking them through. But it doesn't make them hurt any less. Words are powerful. And they sting.
But tonight, when I walked into church, I was met with a hug from Papa Rene. And these smiling little faces that I love so much! Welcomed into the pew where my friends sat. And I was surrounded by love. Love that is much needed and Welcomed. I forget how important love is. And a night like tonight, it was Welcomed and needed.
The words we heard in mass, were powerful. And about love and forgiveness. Very fitting for the day I had. Holding babies, who tightly grasped my fingers, and feeling hugs from little girls, it just helped to heal my soul and my heart even more. :)
I didn't grow up with this kind of love and affection. And forget very easily, just how important it is. But tonight, God sent me all this love. Because he knew, I needed it. I needed it as much as I needed air. And the big bear hug from Memo, well it's the kind of hug I wish I could get from my own Dad.
At the end of mass, like every mass I go to, Papa Rene hugs each of us individually. And blesses us. I got an extra little prayer tonight. I think he just knew I needed it. And Memo invited us all over for dinner. But I was spent. As much as I needed my friends, I needed some rest too. Memo understood.
He slipped me $10 to go pick up something to eat. And told me to go home and rest. Isn't that such a "Dad" thing to do? I think so. I skipped my grocery shopping. Drove to get a burrito and came home.
I spent 30 minutes watching the birds and eating. Trying to remind myself of all the good things I have in life. Of all the good that God has sent my way. Remembering how strong I am. And how much I've survived. There has to be a reason I'm still here. And then I get that call. From the tiny little voice that I love so very much. And heart just grew with love. It was Sarita.
My dear Goddaughter who is fighting for her life. She called because she told me that she knew her Nana needed some love tonight. Her "Angel" had told her that. She definitely put a smile on my face. And we talked for almost an hour. About 'Rella and Papa Memo. About the birdies and what we are going to do when she comes home. I miss her. And I now realize, there are more important things in life. Beginning and ending with the people that really matter. The ones that make your life better, simply by knowing them.
I know that. I've always known that. My little angel reminded me of that tonight. No matter how hard life gets, you can't give up. If Sarita can fight cancer, I can fight all these things that are coming at me. But most of all, I've learned how powerful love is. We just know when someone needs our love. Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and tell someone just how much you love them. It might just make their day! ♥
Overload of Emotions
It's crazy! Today was supposed to be all about me signing papers. The papers that would say, if anything were to happen to S and D, Maribel would become my daughter. Yes, I'm her Nana. And her parents asked me to take her in case anything were to happen to them. They asked A to take Marissa and Mariella. And they asked us if we could co-parent the girls. We are both very honored that they trust us so very much!
It was a big day. Later in the summer, they'll do the same for their new twins. They'll go with their respective Godparents. And it was a big day. I felt a HUGE surge of responsibility. Like one day, Maribel could possibly be mine. I hope I don't screw this up! She is their daughter, and I want to do the best I can. How on Earth do they think I can do this? I guess people see more good in me, than I see in myself.
And that my friends, was supposed to be the emotional day I was to have. Ending with a quick lunch and me heading back to work. But someone out there in the universe, thinks I need more emotion. And they sent me truck loads today. It began when I returned to work after lunch. And Dr. S was all up on me. Because he received his paperwork that I will be finished with my internship on July 9, 2010.
Why? You probably want to know that. Well, I was supposed to be done with it back in May. I'm dead broke. I have no money. And I actually have to pay for my internship. I don't get paid a red cent! But I've managed. At least, thus far. Now, our gigs are farther and farther apart. The little bit of money I make working for J goes to me getting better physical and mentally. The whole computer dying...well it didn't help my bank account either. It leaves me with no money for school. Much less an internship that costs nearly $8000 a semester.
I had managed to save up some money. Some money I was going to use for my Fall tuition. But Dr. S and the Dean of Ag managed to talk me into just one more semester of my internship. I wasn't sure. But when Dr. S agreed to pay for my insurance. And the Dean threw in $500, well I couldn't say no. How could anyone?
So I pitched in my almost $1200. Dr. M bought my scrubs. And I borrowed the rest from J. I knew it was a temporary fix. But it allowed me a few more weeks on the job. And that, I couldn't resist. I know there are many people pulling for me to succeed. But sometimes, the desire, passion, and talent are not enough. I just can't do this anymore. I have no money. So the next semester for my internship begins July 12, 2010. I won't be there. Therefore, I'm forfeiting the remainder of my internship.
It saddens my heart to no end. I cried for weeks knowing that it was coming. But there is nothing left for me to do. Not a darn thing. Believe me, I've tried. But I just don't feel right asking my parents to help me. And I can't possibly borrow another cent from J. He's too good of a friend.
So today, instead of Rounds, I sat in Dr. S's office and got yelled at. For 3 hours. I tried to keep it together. But the tears came. I couldn't hold them back. Because this is what I want to do with my life. I just don't have the means to do it. I respect Dr. S to the ends of the Earth. He has made me the "Doctor-in-training" that I am. And now, Dr. S is mad and disappointed in me. And in a few short weeks, I won't work in the hospital. And I won't work with my kiddos...
It was bad. I cried. I couldn't look at Dr. S for the rest of the day. My heart broke every single time I saw one of my patients. This is what I was put on Earth to do. Be a pediatrician. But I can't do it. When it came time to leave, I was slightly relieved. And looked forward to a peaceful evening...
Then I'm on my way home. It's been a hell of a day! And I just want 5 minutes of peace before I have to go to church. My Dad calls. He never calls me. I have to call them. And if I don't call every single day, it's like having to face God and Satan at the same time. I usually call my parents when I get home from work. So this was HUGE surprise! And my Dad never really talks to me on the phone. Our conversations usually go,
Dad: "Hi. How are you? How's the weather? How was work?"
Me: "Hi Dad. It's hot. Really hot. Work was work. I'm on my way home. How's your leg?"
Dad: "It's hot as hell here. My legs OK."
Then I usually hear him ask my Mom if she wants to talk to me. We will usually talk for 30 minutes to an hour. But not today. Dad was pissed. I could just tell. And he talked. And said all these sideways comments. And I knew he was mad. And I was already all emotional. My eyes still stung from crying earlier. And it really was hot in my car. I was trying to make the hour drive home. That was quickly turning into 90 minutes because of construction and traffic. Oh the heat was bad!
And my Dad kept on and on and on. I knew he was mad. Then I said something about having to go to the store after mass. He just blew up on me. I pulled over. Because, well, no need to cause an accident as my Dad is telling me off. Over what? Because I need to go buy some water. Sorry, but we're in the middle of an extreme heat wave. In case he's forgotten, I don't have AC at home. I might be the only one in the entire Borderland without AC. I need some water.
Yes, all I mentioned was that I needed to go pick up some water. And maybe some groceries. Because you know, I get hungry from time to time too. Lord help me for needing to eat and stay cool. And he just went off. Honestly, a few bucks is not going to make or break me at this point. I have no money. What's $2 in water? And maybe $10 in groceries. But I made the fatal error of mentioning a trip to Costco with J tomorrow...
That's when the yelling began, and my tears just flowed. Why does he have to constantly yell? Shouldn't he be happy that I have someone to lean on a little here? I don't have a Costco card because I can't afford it. And honestly, I only need to go maybe once a year to buy some toilet paper and laundry soap. So what's the big deal? My Dad has known that for over 2 years, I haven't had a card. And I've never asked him for one. I know he gets them for his employees. But I don't need one. Not for 1-2 trips a year. He just started yelling at me because of J. Would it be so bad if a good man like J wanted to take care of me? Apparently so...
At this point, I guess I'm not good enough to be a happy person. I should be miserable at home. And no, it's not OK for anyone, especially a man, to lend me a helping hand. Funny thing is, I don't lean on anyone. I might cry a little when things get bad. And yes, I'm not going to lie, I go to J or Memo to talk about things. And well, yes, I usually cry too. But it's not like J is doing anything for me other than being my friend.
But honestly, tomorrow, I'm meeting J to pick up a thing of toilet paper, some laundry soap, and maybe some tuna. And if I don't find water again tonight, I might buy some tomorrow. It's not that big of a deal. But to my Dad, it sure as hell was. And he yelled and yelled. And told me how ungrateful I am. And why is he even living because no one appreciates him anyhow. Um, Dad, you taught me to stand on my own 2 feet. To not need anyone, to do things for myself. I'm just trying to do that. And grow up. But he just yelled. Which made me cry...
And why was that? Because I try so hard to make him proud. And I try so hard to be financially independent. And I can't do it anymore. And I'm falling apart here. And I don't want to burden my parents. And I most certainly don't want to disappoint them either! But my Dad doesn't see it that way. I don't do enough in his eyes. I'm dropping the ball everywhere he's concerned. And why in the hell am I spending my own money on some of life's necessities?
I had to remind him that I'm 27 years old. I've lived on my own since I was 18. And I need to do these things. Whether or not I struggle, it's part of growing up. Hell, most people in my family, at my age, have at least 3 kids. But here I am, trying to make it through college, and everything I do is wrong.
Well, the fight with me was interrupted by some other fight. With who? I have no clue. But he hung up on me. And there I was. On the side of the highway, crying. Because my Dad just doesn't get it. Maybe my 59 year old brother is OK with being a full time mooch. But I'm not. And if I have to leave school for a while, and live off of boiled macaroni, and sweat all summer long...well I will.
And no matter how much yelling Dr. S does, I can't responsibly sign up for another semester of school. And no matter if I have no food, I will never go to my parents for a handout. Because I'm an adult. I have to stand on my own 2 feet. That's what responsible adults do.
And then I think about earlier today. 2 of my very best friends are trusting to raise their daughter, if they are not here to do it. So I must not be a bad person. They have to see some good in me to trust me with someone as special, loving, and as important as Maribel is. That right there, softens my heart a little. And reminds me, there is good in this life.
Now it's time for me to go. Or I'll be late to mass. And tonight of all nights, I need some love from God. And my favorite little girls. I'm proud to me their Tia/Nana. And big hug from Memo wouldn't be so bad either. He really is like a father figure to me. And Bless your soul if you made it this far. You really have a special place in my heart, simply for caring this much. ♥
It was a big day. Later in the summer, they'll do the same for their new twins. They'll go with their respective Godparents. And it was a big day. I felt a HUGE surge of responsibility. Like one day, Maribel could possibly be mine. I hope I don't screw this up! She is their daughter, and I want to do the best I can. How on Earth do they think I can do this? I guess people see more good in me, than I see in myself.
And that my friends, was supposed to be the emotional day I was to have. Ending with a quick lunch and me heading back to work. But someone out there in the universe, thinks I need more emotion. And they sent me truck loads today. It began when I returned to work after lunch. And Dr. S was all up on me. Because he received his paperwork that I will be finished with my internship on July 9, 2010.
Why? You probably want to know that. Well, I was supposed to be done with it back in May. I'm dead broke. I have no money. And I actually have to pay for my internship. I don't get paid a red cent! But I've managed. At least, thus far. Now, our gigs are farther and farther apart. The little bit of money I make working for J goes to me getting better physical and mentally. The whole computer dying...well it didn't help my bank account either. It leaves me with no money for school. Much less an internship that costs nearly $8000 a semester.
I had managed to save up some money. Some money I was going to use for my Fall tuition. But Dr. S and the Dean of Ag managed to talk me into just one more semester of my internship. I wasn't sure. But when Dr. S agreed to pay for my insurance. And the Dean threw in $500, well I couldn't say no. How could anyone?
So I pitched in my almost $1200. Dr. M bought my scrubs. And I borrowed the rest from J. I knew it was a temporary fix. But it allowed me a few more weeks on the job. And that, I couldn't resist. I know there are many people pulling for me to succeed. But sometimes, the desire, passion, and talent are not enough. I just can't do this anymore. I have no money. So the next semester for my internship begins July 12, 2010. I won't be there. Therefore, I'm forfeiting the remainder of my internship.
It saddens my heart to no end. I cried for weeks knowing that it was coming. But there is nothing left for me to do. Not a darn thing. Believe me, I've tried. But I just don't feel right asking my parents to help me. And I can't possibly borrow another cent from J. He's too good of a friend.
So today, instead of Rounds, I sat in Dr. S's office and got yelled at. For 3 hours. I tried to keep it together. But the tears came. I couldn't hold them back. Because this is what I want to do with my life. I just don't have the means to do it. I respect Dr. S to the ends of the Earth. He has made me the "Doctor-in-training" that I am. And now, Dr. S is mad and disappointed in me. And in a few short weeks, I won't work in the hospital. And I won't work with my kiddos...
It was bad. I cried. I couldn't look at Dr. S for the rest of the day. My heart broke every single time I saw one of my patients. This is what I was put on Earth to do. Be a pediatrician. But I can't do it. When it came time to leave, I was slightly relieved. And looked forward to a peaceful evening...
Then I'm on my way home. It's been a hell of a day! And I just want 5 minutes of peace before I have to go to church. My Dad calls. He never calls me. I have to call them. And if I don't call every single day, it's like having to face God and Satan at the same time. I usually call my parents when I get home from work. So this was HUGE surprise! And my Dad never really talks to me on the phone. Our conversations usually go,
Dad: "Hi. How are you? How's the weather? How was work?"
Me: "Hi Dad. It's hot. Really hot. Work was work. I'm on my way home. How's your leg?"
Dad: "It's hot as hell here. My legs OK."
Then I usually hear him ask my Mom if she wants to talk to me. We will usually talk for 30 minutes to an hour. But not today. Dad was pissed. I could just tell. And he talked. And said all these sideways comments. And I knew he was mad. And I was already all emotional. My eyes still stung from crying earlier. And it really was hot in my car. I was trying to make the hour drive home. That was quickly turning into 90 minutes because of construction and traffic. Oh the heat was bad!
And my Dad kept on and on and on. I knew he was mad. Then I said something about having to go to the store after mass. He just blew up on me. I pulled over. Because, well, no need to cause an accident as my Dad is telling me off. Over what? Because I need to go buy some water. Sorry, but we're in the middle of an extreme heat wave. In case he's forgotten, I don't have AC at home. I might be the only one in the entire Borderland without AC. I need some water.
Yes, all I mentioned was that I needed to go pick up some water. And maybe some groceries. Because you know, I get hungry from time to time too. Lord help me for needing to eat and stay cool. And he just went off. Honestly, a few bucks is not going to make or break me at this point. I have no money. What's $2 in water? And maybe $10 in groceries. But I made the fatal error of mentioning a trip to Costco with J tomorrow...
That's when the yelling began, and my tears just flowed. Why does he have to constantly yell? Shouldn't he be happy that I have someone to lean on a little here? I don't have a Costco card because I can't afford it. And honestly, I only need to go maybe once a year to buy some toilet paper and laundry soap. So what's the big deal? My Dad has known that for over 2 years, I haven't had a card. And I've never asked him for one. I know he gets them for his employees. But I don't need one. Not for 1-2 trips a year. He just started yelling at me because of J. Would it be so bad if a good man like J wanted to take care of me? Apparently so...
At this point, I guess I'm not good enough to be a happy person. I should be miserable at home. And no, it's not OK for anyone, especially a man, to lend me a helping hand. Funny thing is, I don't lean on anyone. I might cry a little when things get bad. And yes, I'm not going to lie, I go to J or Memo to talk about things. And well, yes, I usually cry too. But it's not like J is doing anything for me other than being my friend.
But honestly, tomorrow, I'm meeting J to pick up a thing of toilet paper, some laundry soap, and maybe some tuna. And if I don't find water again tonight, I might buy some tomorrow. It's not that big of a deal. But to my Dad, it sure as hell was. And he yelled and yelled. And told me how ungrateful I am. And why is he even living because no one appreciates him anyhow. Um, Dad, you taught me to stand on my own 2 feet. To not need anyone, to do things for myself. I'm just trying to do that. And grow up. But he just yelled. Which made me cry...
And why was that? Because I try so hard to make him proud. And I try so hard to be financially independent. And I can't do it anymore. And I'm falling apart here. And I don't want to burden my parents. And I most certainly don't want to disappoint them either! But my Dad doesn't see it that way. I don't do enough in his eyes. I'm dropping the ball everywhere he's concerned. And why in the hell am I spending my own money on some of life's necessities?
I had to remind him that I'm 27 years old. I've lived on my own since I was 18. And I need to do these things. Whether or not I struggle, it's part of growing up. Hell, most people in my family, at my age, have at least 3 kids. But here I am, trying to make it through college, and everything I do is wrong.
Well, the fight with me was interrupted by some other fight. With who? I have no clue. But he hung up on me. And there I was. On the side of the highway, crying. Because my Dad just doesn't get it. Maybe my 59 year old brother is OK with being a full time mooch. But I'm not. And if I have to leave school for a while, and live off of boiled macaroni, and sweat all summer long...well I will.
And no matter how much yelling Dr. S does, I can't responsibly sign up for another semester of school. And no matter if I have no food, I will never go to my parents for a handout. Because I'm an adult. I have to stand on my own 2 feet. That's what responsible adults do.
And then I think about earlier today. 2 of my very best friends are trusting to raise their daughter, if they are not here to do it. So I must not be a bad person. They have to see some good in me to trust me with someone as special, loving, and as important as Maribel is. That right there, softens my heart a little. And reminds me, there is good in this life.
Now it's time for me to go. Or I'll be late to mass. And tonight of all nights, I need some love from God. And my favorite little girls. I'm proud to me their Tia/Nana. And big hug from Memo wouldn't be so bad either. He really is like a father figure to me. And Bless your soul if you made it this far. You really have a special place in my heart, simply for caring this much. ♥
Monday, June 7, 2010
Open to the Possibilities
I had this intimate conversation with a good friend today. Albeit over the phone, during my lunch break. But it got me thinking. As much as I really enjoyed spending time with my parents and taking care of them this past week, I'm ready for someone to love. Yes, I enjoyed getting the chance to go home and take care of my Mom and Dad. Making sure my Mom got her eye drops. Helping my Dad with his leg. Making them dinner. It was a great few days. But I'm ready for someone to love.
I think I'm finally in that place were I'm ready to "Welcome" a relationship into my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and realize I missed out on the really important things in life. I don't want my entire life to encompass work and the hospital.
I want to find someone to share this life with. A man who can appreciate my goofiness. And my love of the outdoors. Who can appreciate my "Palm Tree" hairdo, and sunburned skin. One day, I want to be making baby things for my baby. I think with my best friend expecting her little girl, it's really got me thinking. There is definitely more to life than my work. 100 hours a week in a hospital...there has to be more to life!
I guess I'm tired of going home to an empty house. I'm tired of going to events alone. And being around all of my "coupled" friends. There has to be something said for being the youngest in my group of friends, and being the only single female. It's not always the funniest place to be. Not when my male friends act as if I'm their kid sister. And I need protecting from any male within 100 miles.
But I just think more things in my life are changing. I'm finally embracing the changes. And I'm ready to start my own life. For so long, I've been living for other people. Trying to make them happy. It's time for me to start doing that for myself.
I'm not on the "prowl" for a man. No way! But if someone happens along my path, I'm not going to be so quick to turn away. I know in my lifetime, I've walked away from a few good men. The timing just wasn't right for me. And now, most of them are good friends. But you just never know what the future has in store for you. You just have to be open to the possibilities. ♥
I think I'm finally in that place were I'm ready to "Welcome" a relationship into my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and realize I missed out on the really important things in life. I don't want my entire life to encompass work and the hospital.
I want to find someone to share this life with. A man who can appreciate my goofiness. And my love of the outdoors. Who can appreciate my "Palm Tree" hairdo, and sunburned skin. One day, I want to be making baby things for my baby. I think with my best friend expecting her little girl, it's really got me thinking. There is definitely more to life than my work. 100 hours a week in a hospital...there has to be more to life!
I guess I'm tired of going home to an empty house. I'm tired of going to events alone. And being around all of my "coupled" friends. There has to be something said for being the youngest in my group of friends, and being the only single female. It's not always the funniest place to be. Not when my male friends act as if I'm their kid sister. And I need protecting from any male within 100 miles.
But I just think more things in my life are changing. I'm finally embracing the changes. And I'm ready to start my own life. For so long, I've been living for other people. Trying to make them happy. It's time for me to start doing that for myself.
I'm not on the "prowl" for a man. No way! But if someone happens along my path, I'm not going to be so quick to turn away. I know in my lifetime, I've walked away from a few good men. The timing just wasn't right for me. And now, most of them are good friends. But you just never know what the future has in store for you. You just have to be open to the possibilities. ♥
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Lip Conditioning
When I first began performing, I was all on my own. Trying to learn all kinds of tips and tricks. Makeup application and hair seemed to be my enemy. Especially when I was melting under the sun. But over the years, and thanks to my friend/makeup artist M, I've finally started to tackle some of those makeup problems that were HUGE issues for me. Like bold lips...
I always had issues with bold lips. Because my lips were dry. And they'd peel. So much so, that my lips actually hurt. But wearing red lipstick was just as much part of my uniform as the traje itself. And I needed to find some ways to make my lips stop peeling, and my lipstick to stay on.
Of course, I drink plenty of water. All the time! It helps with everything from your skin, to your hair, and obviously, your lips. But even water consumption can only go so far...especially in the desert.
But living in the desert and wearing lipstick daily, well is dries out your lips a lot! No matter what the brand of lipstick it is, YSL, MAC, Wet-n-Wild, Covergirl, Estee Lauder etc. You just have to keep in mind, when you wear a highly pigmented color, it dries out your lips. And as a stage performer and musician, I frequently wear red, dark wine, or bright pinks.
Early on, I used a toothbrush to help with my peeling lips. After I brush my teeth at night, I use this treatment. I bought a child sized, soft toothbrush, and I brush my lips. Make sure both your lips and the toothbrush are wet, and softly brush over both your top and bottom lips. It takes off all the dead skin, and brings the blood to the surface of your lips. I have highly pigmented lips naturally. But after this step, my lips are usually a bright berry color. And smooth as can be.
Sometimes I'll make a paste out of sugar and olive oil (preferably brown sugar) and rub it around my lips. It's like an "At Home" sugar scrub. Rinse it off and pat dry. Then I lather up my lips in Carmex before I go to bed. That's really important! It brings back the moisture to your lips. And leaves them feeling tingly and so soft!
During the day, I moisturize my lips often. Very often! One of my favorite products are Nivea "A Kiss of Shine" lipglosses. Or my trusty Carmex. But never let your lips get dry. That's when they crack and start to peel.
The Aquafina "Fruit Splash" lip balms are also amazing! They're moisturizing without being greasy. And they come in wonderful flavors!
But the key steps start right before makeup application. M (my friend and MUA) will moisturize my face. Then she'll take Carmex and really coat my lips with it. Way more than you will ever use normally! M then takes a Q-tip and gently rubs it over my lips. This takes off any kind of dead skin, roughness, extra products, etc. The blood comes to the skin, and not only are your lips smooth, but they also look plumper.
When M is done with that, I will put on a good layer of Blistex "Deep Renewal" lip balm. I use this during the day to moisturize with as well. But always before lipstick application. It also has an SPF 15. It's a very good product to use during the day.
We always do this before we begin makeup application. That's important. It gives the lips time to absorb all the moisture before adding the drying lipstick. My lipstick application is always the last thing I do as well. Right at the end, M will line my lips in a clear lip liner. Then using a lip brush, she will apply my lipstick.
I hope that helps. I have almost no peeling of my lips anymore. My lipstick has never looked nicer. Using this method, I can easily perform a show without worrying about my lipstick. It stays on for hours! And the overall condition of my lips is amazing! ♥
I always had issues with bold lips. Because my lips were dry. And they'd peel. So much so, that my lips actually hurt. But wearing red lipstick was just as much part of my uniform as the traje itself. And I needed to find some ways to make my lips stop peeling, and my lipstick to stay on.
Of course, I drink plenty of water. All the time! It helps with everything from your skin, to your hair, and obviously, your lips. But even water consumption can only go so far...especially in the desert.
But living in the desert and wearing lipstick daily, well is dries out your lips a lot! No matter what the brand of lipstick it is, YSL, MAC, Wet-n-Wild, Covergirl, Estee Lauder etc. You just have to keep in mind, when you wear a highly pigmented color, it dries out your lips. And as a stage performer and musician, I frequently wear red, dark wine, or bright pinks.
Early on, I used a toothbrush to help with my peeling lips. After I brush my teeth at night, I use this treatment. I bought a child sized, soft toothbrush, and I brush my lips. Make sure both your lips and the toothbrush are wet, and softly brush over both your top and bottom lips. It takes off all the dead skin, and brings the blood to the surface of your lips. I have highly pigmented lips naturally. But after this step, my lips are usually a bright berry color. And smooth as can be.
Sometimes I'll make a paste out of sugar and olive oil (preferably brown sugar) and rub it around my lips. It's like an "At Home" sugar scrub. Rinse it off and pat dry. Then I lather up my lips in Carmex before I go to bed. That's really important! It brings back the moisture to your lips. And leaves them feeling tingly and so soft!
During the day, I moisturize my lips often. Very often! One of my favorite products are Nivea "A Kiss of Shine" lipglosses. Or my trusty Carmex. But never let your lips get dry. That's when they crack and start to peel.
The Aquafina "Fruit Splash" lip balms are also amazing! They're moisturizing without being greasy. And they come in wonderful flavors!
But the key steps start right before makeup application. M (my friend and MUA) will moisturize my face. Then she'll take Carmex and really coat my lips with it. Way more than you will ever use normally! M then takes a Q-tip and gently rubs it over my lips. This takes off any kind of dead skin, roughness, extra products, etc. The blood comes to the skin, and not only are your lips smooth, but they also look plumper.
When M is done with that, I will put on a good layer of Blistex "Deep Renewal" lip balm. I use this during the day to moisturize with as well. But always before lipstick application. It also has an SPF 15. It's a very good product to use during the day.
We always do this before we begin makeup application. That's important. It gives the lips time to absorb all the moisture before adding the drying lipstick. My lipstick application is always the last thing I do as well. Right at the end, M will line my lips in a clear lip liner. Then using a lip brush, she will apply my lipstick.
I hope that helps. I have almost no peeling of my lips anymore. My lipstick has never looked nicer. Using this method, I can easily perform a show without worrying about my lipstick. It stays on for hours! And the overall condition of my lips is amazing! ♥
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